Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He left a week ago but hasn't even asked after the dc...

(24 Posts)
Levismum Sun 02-Nov-14 01:29:48

Dp left last weekend. It was a long time coming. It's taken 5 months for him to realise I was serious. I asked him to leave for a number of reasons but no DV or OW just a slow break down of our relationship. Im feeling a mix of sadness, relief & anxiety.

We have 4 dc ranging from 13 yrs down to 9 months. He hasn't seen or spoken to the dc. He texted me tonight to see if he could collect clothes on Monday. I said he could come tomorrow, if he wanted, he said he'd come Monday.

The dc haven't noticed he's not here!

How did other people deal with situations similar to mine? He's totally uninterested in any of them...

Levismum Sun 02-Nov-14 01:32:08

Sorry my point being the 3 older dc will be at school on Monday. Exdp next day off will be the Tuesday of the following week. So it will be a minimum of 2 weeks until he will be able to see them again.

Thrholidaysarecoming Sun 02-Nov-14 01:34:11

So fucking selfish.

When dd1 was like this I was heartbroken that he wasn't aching to see he like I would gave been. He also equated seeing her and being in a relationship with me as the same.

Well you will see his true colours now. The worst bit is dealing with the questions from your kids about where he is and they will come. It's really hard as you do t want to tell them the truth that he is actually a cunt and not arsed.


Levismum Sun 02-Nov-14 01:57:21

Your last sentence made me laugh! I don't know anything myself so I won't be able to tell the dc much.

I reckon he'll just lose contact with them. He doesn't keep in touch with any of his family.

Thanks for your reply.

notmrscookie Sun 02-Nov-14 04:27:38

my stbxh left on the 8.9.14 . He has seen the boys for a few hours max 4/ 5 times. He had youngest i night on my 40th and on friday i bumped in to him with his new girlfriend who had no idea he had kids and got the shock of her life when i spoke to him about having the kids one night.

He believes that he has a right to sort his life out and the kids are my problem . I now have his mum wanting to be friends as he is such a waste of space that i am needed to help her see the boys. so sadly its very common but we all think are partners will do better.

Hueycool Sun 02-Nov-14 05:07:23

I'm afraid some people are so self centred not even their children hold any importance. I believe these people are intrinsically very unhappy. Loving my child gives me a deep sense of happiness and meaning. To know how to love another being that much is a blessing. It baffles me why anyone would give that away. I hope your little ones are ok.

MexicanSpringtime Sun 02-Nov-14 05:41:23

Loving my child gives me a deep sense of happiness and meaning. To know how to love another being that much is a blessing

Well said, Huey

Rebecca2014 Sun 02-Nov-14 07:17:36

My ex left two weeks ago. He seems more active in phoning, seen her for four hours in 2 weeks as he needs work all the time to pay for his new car! Asked h have dd overnight once every month, and that's an unreasonable request from me due to work...

His loss but at least there is some contact. Hope your ex steps up.

Handywoman Sun 02-Nov-14 07:19:03

My stbxh is the same. Lives 5 mins up the road, he said this was 'for the children' but is really 'for his social life'. He sees them o'night EOW (I kicked him out 18months ago). Doesn't contact them I between or ask to see them more. Nor does he bother himself with their education or health/development.

It is a shocking revelation when you realise just how shit they are.

The worse bit is fielding questions about why he is so separate from their lives now. I try and reason it for them but would love to tell them the truth which is simply that he can't be bothered.

Levismum Sun 02-Nov-14 08:03:04

Thanks for the replies.

The dc are my absolute priority. Always have been. They were never his.

It was a major factor in why I asked him to leave. Dc3 is being assessed for ASD. He wouldn't take the day off work to look after the baby, let alone attend the appointment.
I had asked him to leave on a number of occasions since last May but he ignored me. On Tuesday I tried talking to him again. He wouldn't talk to me so I left it.

On Wednesday I took the dc out. He sent me a text saying he would move out & not hassle me.

It's half term. Both ds have difficulties. The baby is young, doesn't sleep through the night. I have been diagnosed with PND. I started to think yesterday he picked his moment carefully to leave. He's nowhere to go so must be in a hotel. I think he thought I'd be begging him to come home within a few days.

I'm not playing games. I asked him to leave as i couldn't continue living with an unsupportive & uncommunicative man child anymore. I have no family locally. Few friends so it's not like I'm going to get loads of support or help with the dc.

I do hope we can come to an arrangement so that the dc see him on a regular basis. I will do everything to facilitate it...

Levismum Sun 02-Nov-14 08:23:53

Actually thinking about it, is it better if I step back & wait for Exdp to ask about the dc?

I'm not sure what to do for the best.

TrousersSchmowsers Sun 02-Nov-14 08:35:51

No good advice re getting your exDP to make better contact I'm afraid (I'm walking this path myself but my ex is much more committed to being around for the DC)

I'm posting to say that you are doing brilliantly with such a lot on your plate, you really are, and I hope you are calling in all sources of support.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 02-Nov-14 08:47:41

In the absence of a court ordered contact arrangement I think the correct way to proceed is to offer, in writing, a reasonable schedule and let him accept, reject or counter-offer with something else. Stress that, for the benefit of the children, they need a predictable schedule rather than too much ad hoc. If he doesn't have accommodation of his own yet, you could mention that you're prepared to be more flexible short-term but suggest you put a deadline on it of a few months rather than letting it drag on. Beyond that, you are only responsible for facilitating the agreed schedule.

Be as businesslike about it as you can manage. It's not your job to
turn him into a decent human being.

Levismum Sun 02-Nov-14 08:51:32

Ah thanks Trousers. The baby is ill & last night was constant...I'm exhausted today so I feel like I have no perspective.

I sadly due to family moving, ill health & bereavement, have no support. I've organised carers for one of the ds. I found a great child minder for the baby so I can attend school & hospital appointments . Exdp works shifts so I could never count on him. I tried a holiday camp with the ds currently being assessed for ASD but he hated it. I will keep looking.

I've been making a big effort to make friends as most of my friends were through school but the school situation is now very difficult due to ds behaviour so I'm finding that we're often not included in party's & social events, which is very isolating.

Levismum Sun 02-Nov-14 08:55:07

Thanks Cogito. He works shifts so only 1 Saturday off in a month & 2 Sundays. I can't imagine he'll be too keen to deal with all 4 now as he hardly ever did before but he might surprise me!

I need to keep some distance, easier said then done!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 02-Nov-14 08:59:19

Have you spoken to a solicitor? Keeping your distance works fine on one level but, ultimately, it's grossly unfair that you are literally left holding the baby. Is he paying a generous amount of maintenance? Have you got something in writing?

TaliZorahVasNormandy Sun 02-Nov-14 09:03:25

My ex did this when he left for the other woman, when he finally text about something inane, I asked him why he hadnt asked about DD, he had the fucking cheek to accuse me of using her as a weapon.

I've never stopped DD seeing him, he just cant be arsed.

PoundingTheStreets Sun 02-Nov-14 09:09:29

I"m sorry you're having such a hard time at the moment. With a new baby and PND on top of this, I am in awe of your coping ability. The fact that you'r not only keeping going but actively worrying more about your DC's future with their father than your own wellbeing at this point makes me very confident that you'll thrive in your new life without this sorry excuse for a man dragging you down. smile

Personally, once you've adjusted, I think you'll find life as a single parent easier than being married to someone whose level of support is non-existent because at least this way you get the advantages of being single (freedom to make unilateral decisions, less housework, much more 'me' time, etc) as well as the responsibilities. An unsupportive relationship gives you all the responsibilities and none of the perks.

As for his level of involvement with the DC, do NOT chase him about it. All you do is create unrealistic expectations from your DC, who are then crushed when he lets them down at a point where you can no longer cover for him or persuade him into doing the right thing. And sadly, that always happens at some point with people like this. Far better that they grow up knowing who their real father is and what to expect from him. You don't need to run him down in any way, in fact I'd advise you not to and concentrate on his good points so that your DC don't feel that half of them is 'bad' (e.g. well done on your A for Maths, darling, your daddy was really good at maths too). When they ask 'why' you just have to say 'I don't know' but reiterate that it's an adult thing and in no way the DC's fault.

I'd cut him a little slack initially. While it's unfair - you don't have that luxury and he should man up to his responsibilities - he wouldn't be the first person to react to a life-changing event by withdrawing into petulant child mode. People do. A lot come out of it and become nicer people, too. So keep the door open, but don't run through it after him.

Good luck, but you'll be fine. smile

Levismum Sun 02-Nov-14 09:43:13

We aren't married. House is mine. I bought it before I met Exdp.

Wait for it...he paid me £400 per month rent. He bought the dcs main birthday & Christmas. He also bought the main thingslike wwashing machines/ TV. Nothing else. God I'm an idiot aren't I? I have my own business & I work from home due to lack of chikdcare for the ds.

He has no idea how much anything costs. He earns just above the minimum wage. His choice. Works shifts & unsociable hours for sod all but of course he did as i carried him. 15 years I carried him.

In the name of God, why did I have such low standards? Why didnt i demand he step? I don't recognise this sappy women I'm describingsad.

Maybe deep down i always knew, he'd let me down & if i demanded too much, he'd walk. Who knows?

Levismum Sun 02-Nov-14 09:44:39

Excuse typos on my phone.blush

Handywoman Sun 02-Nov-14 09:47:37

OP my dc2 has ASD. She has been through times (not related to ex) but is now thriving. Having a consistent and engaged parent is good, ex was never engaged with her difficulties and used to make things worse quite frankly.

You are doing brilliantly. Concentrate on the dc and your own needs. Getting rid of an unsupportive man is a crucial step for your well being and your kids will reap many rewards.


AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Sun 02-Nov-14 15:53:56

I have to agree with the poster that states that you will now see the true measure of the man. My stbx used his visitation initially as a way to continue the abuse in my home twice a week. When I finally put a stop to that, he disappeared for months. Then when he wanted me to get back together with him, he was "keen" to see the dcs. When he realised I wasn't interested in reconciliation, he disappeared again. He literally lives 15 minutes away. A fiver for a bus ticket or train ticket, tops. And he hasn't seen, spoken to (by phone), or asked me (by phone, email, or text) about the dcs in over 10 weeks. He knew dc1 was going to be having a procedure under GA, and yet he hasn't even asked about dc1 at all.

It's pretty obvious the dcs are not high on his list of priorities.

Bproud Sun 02-Nov-14 17:04:05

You could refer yourself to Home Start in your area to ask for some urgent support, since you have PND and no familysupport
A volunteer may be availableto give you someone to talk to and some practical help with the DC.

bobs123 Sun 02-Nov-14 17:20:02

When you say there was a slow breakdown of your relationship before he left, thinking back did he start distancing himself from the dc as well?

You say they haven't noticed he's not there. I know it's tough for you but I would leave him to make contact and do as Cogito suggests. It would be easier than trying to coax a reluctant xp to see his kids

My dc are older and when my stbx left after pretty well ignoring them for months, had no further contact. DD1 is now in the process of changing her name to my maiden name (even I haven't done that yet!)

You sound like you're doing brilliantly and have your head screwed on right even if it mightn't seem so flowers

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now