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How do I stop missing him?

(30 Posts)
roundafewblocks Sat 01-Nov-14 22:02:55

We've only been split up a day, after 4 years together, but it seems like a year. I actually went to see him earlier just bcos I felt so bad, and he was cold and distant and told me to go away. Even though I know we have differences which mean we can't ever be together, I am desperate not to be without him. Please, does anyone know how I can stop feeling like this?

Quitelikely Sat 01-Nov-14 22:07:31

It takes time. A lot of time. Why can't you be together?

motleymop Sat 01-Nov-14 22:10:10

Did you end it then? Tell us more. I know how you feel.

roundafewblocks Sat 01-Nov-14 22:29:24

No, he stomped out in the end, but it hadnt been good for a while. I knew, really, that it wasn't going to work but I tried so hard. I don't want to go into lots of detail but his family have caused a lot of conflict and he is a very stubborn and unbending man. I know in my heart that we won't be together but right now it just hurts so much. I need some practical ideas as to how I can get back to being happy even without him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 01-Nov-14 22:38:19

I'm sorry you're upset but going back for more rejection won't make you feel better, unfortunately. Do you have any friends or family that you can be with or talk to on the phone? The early days of a break up are really horrible and you need to be with people who will listen, understand and offer you some practical help. Good luck

roundafewblocks Sat 01-Nov-14 22:46:03

thank you. No I don't have anyone to talk to or be with. It was just him. I used to have friends but they found it hard when I left my previous partner and all the people I have socialised with in the last 4 years are his friends. I am trying to see the positives of being on my own but it is hard.

Star8369 Sat 01-Nov-14 22:50:07

I know exactly how you feel I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday and despite me knowing he is a dick and that I ended it I am an absolute mess, cant eat, sleep or stop crying

roundafewblocks Sat 01-Nov-14 22:53:46

star if he is a dick, you will be better without him. I can't eat either. I'm trying to be pleased that I will lose some weight. smile. He told me if I lost some weight my bum might look better. sad

Dowser Sat 01-Nov-14 23:11:38

What did you hope to achieve by seeing him today ?

A reconciliation?

A change of heart ....his?

Please don't put yourself in the underdog position again. You are worth far more than this.

Come here! rant and vent. There's always someone to listen.

You've invested a lot of your time and energy in this man please don't go to see him for the crumb he flicks in your direction.

You sat alone at home sad, distressed and upset while he ate at his familys table.

Anyone with an ounce of compassion would have choked on the food.

Repeat after me...I will not visit him , call or txt him ever again!

Dowser Sat 01-Nov-14 23:19:26

To or row go and buy yourself a big notebook and each night when you are on your own write down all your thoughts, feelings and rants.

I did and I kept them . When I read them back ....omg! They are so cringeworthy...thank god I never shared them with him.

Remember, to or row is the first day of the rest of your life...so make it a good one. Make it a day to be proud of.

It's the first day you gather back your self respect, your pride and your sense of self.

You have a daughter I think? Be a great role model for her. Show her how to handle situations like this.

( and don't beat yourself up about it. Tomorrow is another day)

And just think..if you do lose weight and your bum looks slimmer...well that big bum won't be touching it!

Lol

roundafewblocks Sat 01-Nov-14 23:28:41

dowser thank you. Im in bed just crying bcos even after all of this I just want him back. I know I cant and I know its best but I still just want him to hold me. Yes I have a daughter and she is wonderful and thank god her bloke is kind and good to her bcos I never want her to feel like this. sad I was doing so well today and now I just feel dreadful. He said it was all down to my behaviour and I just wish id done sth different and he was still here.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 01-Nov-14 23:34:47

How did you behave?

roundafewblocks Sat 01-Nov-14 23:40:58

Not in any way any reasonable rational person would think was wrong. I deleted my thread bcos I was afraid his daughter would read it and I didnt think that was fair. He thought my feelings meant I was silly and paranoid and overreacting and too sensitive and when I was upset he said my behaviour was wrong.

roundafewblocks Sat 01-Nov-14 23:43:24

Im too tired to explain it all but when I asked everyone on here no one thought I was any of those things.

Dowser Sat 01-Nov-14 23:46:33

I've had an idea.

Visualise/ imagine a scene where he is stood at the bar with his mates. Pint in hand ,holding court, bit of a swagger on

He may never behave like this, it's just to help you

So, imagine he's bragging...I didn't half put ( insert your name here) in her place the other week.
We'd had a row . She really annoyedme, so I told her she couldn't come out with me.
That showed her!

Bring that picture up, every time you think about calling him, texting , popping in to see him.

Hth

Goodnight. Try to get some sleep

X

roundafewblocks Sat 01-Nov-14 23:46:35

I went to see him bcos I hoped he would hold me n say how nice it had been and thank me for a wonderful 4 years and for all the effort id put in to make him happy. Ha! Well that was stupid. sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 01-Nov-14 23:47:52

So if you behaved reasonably and he still dumped you, how was that your fault? I know you're hurting and you'd probably trade anything for the hurt to stop but it really doesn't sound like you did anything wrong beyond being yourself.

roundafewblocks Sat 01-Nov-14 23:48:07

Oh dear dowser thats exactly him. I dont know whether to laugh or cry!

roundafewblocks Sun 02-Nov-14 00:00:20

Do you know, cogito, I have no idea who myself is any more sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 02-Nov-14 00:17:24

Maybe you can tell us here what kind of person you were before you got into this relationship? Anything you've always fancied doing but never got around to?

Walkacrossthesand Sun 02-Nov-14 00:35:24

IIRC, round, he stomped off because you wanted him to explain why, after an argument, he'd behaved very unkindly to you (which sounded typical of the way he treated you generally); and, within 24 hours of 'almost apologising' and agreeing that there were things he could change, he'd gone straight back to his old high-handed ways, you'd challenged him, and off he went.
His reaction to your 'olive branch' says it all - he doesn't want a relationship with you where you have any say/presence whatsoever. I'm so sorry you're feeling so distraught, but please try to see that he doesn't have any of the answers for you. Remember how sad and peripheral you felt, and try to imagine feeling different.

roundafewblocks Sun 02-Nov-14 07:04:11

cogito I havent really ever had anything I want to do. I had DC young, brought them up, worked, then when I met XP I thought I would be with him forever. I can see now that was stupid but at the time it was what he said he wanted.

Dowser Sun 02-Nov-14 08:41:18

Good morning because it is!

It's the start of your new life. The first day of the fabulous new life you are going to carve out for yourself.

Maybe you didn't sleep too good but it will come. In the meanwhile have a look at this article

homeopathyplus.com.au/homeopathic-remedies-for-breakups/

I suggest that you buy some ignatia and some pulsatilla. I've beenusing homeopathic remedies for 40 years and I think they are brilliant.
Boots, holland and Barrett or an independent health shop should have them. When you are not sure what to do with homeopathy you can do something .

I also suggest getting some valerian tablets and lavender oil. Valerian is a non addictive herbal capsule to aid sleep and lavender essential oil is a great soother and calmer. Use when you feel upset in a little carrier oil such as sweet almond. You can sniff it, rub onto breast bone or wrists. A drop on your pillow at night.

I was thinking last night of asking you to write down all the positives in your life. Everything you are grateful for . Like Maslows triangle of needs you have the basic needs, food , warmth and shelter and so on. Every morning write down three things you are grateful for. Try to change the things every day. Concentrate on the positives and not dwell on the negatives.

When I went through my really awful time I had some sessions at mind. Have you a branch near you? I thought she was going to hold my hand and let me sob it all out ( I'm a bit of a pulsatilla type ) but instead she asked me what I wanted to do. I found myself really wanting to put the house straight it had had no serious decoration in 8 years but was putting it off because it meant knocking out a brick arch and brick fireplace. Well she got me to agree to ringing plasterers for quotes etc and with her initial support I went through every room in the house. I decluttered, re arranged, bought new stuff, got rid of anything he'd left behind. I had every room painted white. It was my fresh start and I literally painted him out of my life . I started with a blank canvas. It took well over a year but it was good to physically do things and the end result was fabulous. People came to help. It's amazing where the help comes from at times.

We also looked at what I wanted to do and I ended up taking sailing lessons. I've always loved boats and it was great. I was also in a fortunate position to be able to travel a fair bit so mum and I, or my daughter and family or friends and I went on holiday together. Looking back what were technically really sad years I made sure I made some wonderful memories and lasting friendships.

So yes, roundafewblocks, it's day one and the longest journey begins with the smallest step.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 02-Nov-14 09:39:40

I don't know how old you are.... guessing late thirties, early forties if you had DCs young and your DD has a partner.... but it's never too late to start over. smile I know what you mean about having a future worked out which seemed secure, only to have it all pulled out from underneath you. It's very disorientating and stressful. Like someone wiping the sat nav map.... I also know that you're not in a position to get your head round a different future just yet.

So I hope you have a better day although weekends can drag when you're not used to being on your own. Please keep posting if you don't have anyone IRL to talk to just yet.

roundafewblocks Sun 02-Nov-14 11:36:02

Thank you. I went out for a long walk in the rain early and I started off thinking just my luck, raining again, thatll get me even more down, but after an hour of getting wet I felt better not worse. Also I havent eaten for days so I have made some soup and I might eat that in a bit. (dont get me wrong I'm not a cook but I can make soup and its better than going to the shops!) Its just nice to know there are people out there who understand. smile

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