Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

The million dollar Q - can/do EA partners change?

(4 Posts)
Somethingtodo Sat 01-Nov-14 15:00:54

I am sure this has been asked before - if so please just direct me to the thread.

What % of EA men recognize or admit they have a problem?
What needs to happen for them to recognize or admit they have a problem?
What needs to happen to create to an environment where they can start to address their issues?
How long does it take?
What involvement does the partner have in this process?

I am asking as there are self help and counselling services for other "conditions" and people do try to change for the better -- is there an alternative to LTB?

Is it like beating alcoholism? Only when aware, then motivated, the supported etc....and the only ever driven by the alcoholic?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 01-Nov-14 15:25:03

Context is everything. Emotional abuse is a complex matter and the people inflicting it on a partner often have some really bad character traits which are part of their personality. Things like selfishness, jealousy, inadequacy, the list goes on. The next hurdle is that emotional bullies generally believe they are perfectly entitled to behave as they do, manipulating or intimidating orhers. So before you can even think about someone changing personality - a mammoth task in itself - the abusive bully has to admit they need to change. Even when they do there is then a long, long challenge of behavioural adjustment. What's more normal is that they say all the right things, admit fault, even sign up for courses but then revert to type. Only now they can say 'I've been on the courses so it's everyone else with a problem. ...'

In short, put your energies into rescuing yourself from an emotionally abusive person rather than waste much energy thinking you can rescue them.

whatdoesittake48 Sat 01-Nov-14 16:24:54

Work on yourself before anything else. You simply cannot change someone else or be responsible for them changing. You need to learn how to cope with your oh if you wish to stay. As you become stronger you may be able to tell him about the specific things he dies that you would like changed. But you need to keep on top of this because the change never really lasts.
It is kind of miserable but with help you can cope with it until you feel ready to move on.
A short sharp shock suchas threatening to leave may result in short term change which will at least let you feel stronger for a while.

Somethingtodo Sat 01-Nov-14 17:17:59

My H is passive aggressive - which is a more covert form of abuse:

I really don't believe that he is aware of how he behaves - but I am exhausted and done with it. I am co-dep - so typically have let this go on for far too long and excused his behaviour....and here I am now still looking for ways to fix him - when I should turn around and look at myself.

What.. we have been round this cycle many times (over 30 years) and always he reverts to type:
1)Does not honour the promises he has made.
2)When faced with new normal life situations - he flees and dumps on me time and time and time again.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: