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Knowing if it is time to leave

(12 Posts)
afterthought Sat 01-Nov-14 12:39:11

I am quite unhappy at the moment and it has got to the point where I don't know if I should leave.

I moved in with DP a few years ago. When I moved in, one of my friends said 'oh I could never live in someone else's house'. I didn't get what she meant at the time but I do now.

DP doesn't do anything to make me feel like this isn't my home, but I spend my whole time feeling like a guest in someone else's house. I know that at any point I can be asked to leave and the lack of security isn't doing me any favours. Some of my feelings could stem from when I stayed with my dad and stepmum - I never felt welcome (by her).

As an example of the way I feel, I do all the chores at home which doesn't bother me because DP does a lot of paid overtime which I can't do - so it is a bit of a trade off (I benefit from the extra income). However, I hate the fact that I feel that I HAVE to do them otherwise I can be asked to leave. It is weird because when I lived on my own I had to do them and it never bothered me.

Our relationship is fine, we get on well and DP is a nice person but I can't help feeling like I want more. We don't have much intimacy in our relationship, which doesn't help with my feelings of insecurity. He wants us to have children and I think he would make a great dad but he doesn't want marriage (I'm aware of the legal implications of not being married but that doesn't really bother me).

I'm feeling increasingly like I want to leave but I don't know if it is the right thing. If it was a friend in my position I would probably be telling them to stop being so ridiculous as DP is such a nice person. I don't know if leaving would just be a way of running away from my insecurities

Sorry this is just a big ramble, just feel so confused.

Twinklestein Sat 01-Nov-14 12:50:05

The legal implications of bearing children without marriage should both you, they will bother you if you split up.

You'd also be doing all the chores on top of child-rearing as that's the pattern you've set up.

Having kids is the hardest thing you'll ever do, it's hard enough when you really love each other, to do it with someone you feel lukewarm about is not a good idea. If you think there's no intimacy now, there will be even less with kids.

What is binding you to this man? Being a nice person doesn't mean he's the right person, there are lots of nice men in the world. If I were your friend I wouldn't tell you you we being ridiculous, I'd wonder why you've stayed for so long.

You don't sound very involved or invested in this relationship and the feeling like a guest may be result of your own detachment as much as coming from him.

Twinklestein Sat 01-Nov-14 12:50:23

Bother not both^

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 01-Nov-14 12:53:56

What you're saying is that you feel insecure. You live somewhere but it doesn't feel like your home and you don't feel you have a stake in it. You live with a man who is talking about futures and children on the one hand but you feel obliged to skivvy or you think you'll be out on your ear. Things are unequal and the power balance is a long way in his favour at the moment.

So those are the issues on the table and it's time for a serious chat with DP about security, belonging, commitment and equality. Everyone pulling their weight domestically, arrangements for financial security, what could be done to make the place feel like your home and.... goes without saying..... no kids until you've either got a marriage certificate or a trip to the solicitor's office to sort out your rights to property, money, inheritance and next of kin status.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sat 01-Nov-14 19:57:40

Trust your gut.
What Twink and Cogito said.
Everything sounds so perfect for him, yet you are left with these questions of housing, chores, now pondering children (for him- that would ensure you would stay in these circumstances). Of course he is nice...You are an unpaid, live in homemaker...But is he nice enough to contribute to a pension account for you? Thought not, which is why he won't marry you. (And that should bother you-greatly.)
Are you employed?

Quitelikely Sat 01-Nov-14 20:04:35

Has he said anything to make you feel like you'd be out if you didn't do the chores?

Have you asked about moving and buying somewhere together?

Going by what you have said it doesn't necessarily seem like he has done anything to make you feel this way??

NomNomDePlum Sat 01-Nov-14 20:13:37

if you feel like you should leave, that's probably what you should do. i'd say cut your losses, but it's hard to see any losses to cut, really. he sounds like he's just looking to add childcare to your chores. don't do it.

FastWindow Sat 01-Nov-14 20:17:01

I felt this way exactly. And I was married to the man, but it still felt like his house.

Can you ask to be added to the deeds, as a sign of commitment, if he won't actually go down the marriage route? If the answer is no, you have your answer. Do not have children with zero security. Don't.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 01-Nov-14 21:22:04

If there's not much intimacy in the relationship as well as all these other doubts and insecurities, what's actually in it for you?

afterthought Sun 02-Nov-14 08:09:41

Thanks for the responses. I'll try to answer the questions.

I kind of wish I hadn't put the bit about him not wanting marriage as that is something I don't really worry about, but whenever I have tried to talk to someone in RL they get fixated on it and don't listen to anything else I say.

I'll try to explain why it doesn't worry me. I am not after his money and if we split, I don't think I should be entitled to half of what he owned before he met me. All I would worry about is that he would provide for any children, which I have no doubt that he would do. I am employed with a good salary so would cope (I am lucky that my job is childcare friendly). I was brought up in a single parent family so I'm not blind to all the issues.

DP hasn't said or done anything to make me feel the way I do. He is neither emotionally abusive nor controlling. It is just the way I feel. I have spent most of my life feeling unwanted and I don't know if my feelings are justified. I don't know if I want to leave because it is easier than dealing with my insecurities.

I do the chores at home because DP often works 7 days a week. I benefit as the extra money pays for holidays etc. I wouldn't feel comfortable sitting at home doing nothing while he is out earning which I benefit from. To me, doing the chores is my 'contribution' to the holiday pot (that probably doesn't make sense). I am not able to do paid overtime.

Whenever DP has talked about retirement, he has said or done nothing to make me feel like I'd be out on my ear if he died first. He has actually made comments that are the opposite e.g. 'one day this will all be yours'. I have my own pension anyhow.

When I say lack of intimacy, it really is a lack of sex. DP will cuddle etc its just there isn't much more than that.

I do love DP but I do tend to push people away. I've been let down so many times by the people who are supposed to care that I can't imagine why anyone else would care.

afterthought Sun 02-Nov-14 08:37:47

Just read another thread - DP isn't using me to pay his mortgage - we just split the bills.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 02-Nov-14 09:47:46

If you believe your insecurity is entirely internal and is not influenced by your environment or your relationship have you considered counselling?

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