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I'm so tempted by another man

(50 Posts)
Confusedmoo Sat 01-Nov-14 02:52:44

Regular but nc for reasons..

Married 7yrs, 1 DS 5. DH was the rebound guy & i had low esteem issues after a messy previous relationship & thought that no one else would ever find me attractive so DH & I ended up staying together. Happy enough marriage, DH a good man. Very rarely argue, he works very hard to allow me to be a sahm. Romantically, well romance is dead. There is none. We sleep together when DH makes me feel guilty enough, I never instigate. But on the outside we are pretty much the perfect couple. I don't find him physically attractive and I am actually starting to look at him with contempt.

I think I have found (as fucking stupid as it sounds) my soul mate. He is also married. I am alive when I'm around him, I can't think of anything else barr him, I want him soooo badly. We have spoke of whats ifs/if onlys etc and I know there is a mutual physical attraction between us and I think (although hasn't said it) that we just 'get' eachother.

For reasons I can't really go into, I can't leave my DH. This makes me sound like a bitch but it's business/property/money related and would spilt the wider family apart. I would do it in a heart beat to be with this man if these things weren't such a big issue. I cry myself to sleep thinking I've another 40+ yrs putting on a smiling face with DH. The thought of not being with the other man makes my heart ache.

What can I do, I can't eat, can't sleep. I've never had any feelings for anyone else in my 7yrs marriage and both have faithful throughout.

Any wise words before I drive myself insane? I'm lying beside DH listening to him snore thinking is this it. My life without this other man in it seems pointless. I know I sound ridiculous and I'm sorry.

Can anyone help me sort out the mind fuck that is my brain?

TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle Sat 01-Nov-14 03:02:06

If you're marriage is over, leave. If you can't leave, fix your marriage. Don't cheat.

MyGhostIsFlummoxed Sat 01-Nov-14 03:04:08

The way you describe it sounds like a case of 'the grass is greener'. You do realise this other man farts, probably snores, leaves skid marks in the toilet the same as most men.

Your life without this man in it is not meaningless- no one is responsible for anyone else.

I get how you feel, I feel like that about DH but we've been to Relate and I'm going to therapy to work out exactly what's going on in my head.

Would you have stayed with DH if this other man hadn't come along? If you really loath him then surely he deserves better?

magpiegin Sat 01-Nov-14 03:08:12

If you can't or won't leave your husband then there is nothing you can do. You should cut all contact with this man because to be honest it sounds like you're having an emotional affair already.

If you're not prepared to leave your husband you should put all your effort into making your marriage work and not seeing this man. Children are not stupid and know when their parents are not happy.

LoveBeingGetAGrip Sat 01-Nov-14 04:33:10

You can leave it just won't be pleasant. If he were truly your soulmate it would be worth it.

You are unhappy and should see a counsellor to talk through your issues. Then decide what you are going to do.

AuntieStella Sat 01-Nov-14 05:01:32

The way you describe your marriage is worrying.

You need to tackle the admin that you currently think is preventing you leaving.

Then you will be free to be with whoever you choose to bring in to your future. Though, especially as your DH was your 'rebound guy', I think you need a period of living singly before choosing another relationship. You realise now you chose badly whilst your self esteem was low before. It sounds pretty low right now too.

I think you need to end your marriage, sort yourself out, and then move to a future that will truly make you happy.

I'll be ready to bet it won't involve the married man. Either your obsession is unrequited (is serving just to show you that you need to leave your marriage) or he's a cheating shit. Either way, unavailable and bad for you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 01-Nov-14 05:17:01

It's OK to make mistakes and it sounds like marrying your DH was a mistake. It's also OK to admit it's been a mistake and that's why the divorce laws exist. It may be messy, expensive or cause a lot of hurt to separate but the option exists, as does the option to see if you can reconnect with your DH if it's so important you stay together. Businesses, money and property are not worth 40 years of unhappiness. Just don't compound the mistake by making an even bigger mistake, latching onto another person who is not in a position to offer you what you need. Aside from the fact that he's already attached, the danger is that you'd simply be swapping one rebound for another... and regret that in due course.

textingdisaster Sat 01-Nov-14 08:24:04

What about the other man's wife? Is the concept of a sisterhood dead and buried? By having the conversations you have had with the OM, both of you have already contributed to the damaging of his marriage.

I would go as no contact as possible with the OM and then decide what I wanted to do about my primary relationship (and how best to do it).

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 01-Nov-14 08:28:19

The other man's wife is his responsibility, as is his fidelity. In turn, the OM is not in a brotherhood with the OP's husband and is not responsible for the terrible state of her marriage. 'Soul mates' OP, really? Let's all grow up a little and understand that 'mutual ego-stroking' is far more common.

textingdisaster Sat 01-Nov-14 08:38:41

I know what you are saying cogito but there is something disrespectful and tawdry about having "we are meant to be together" flirty conversations with another person's partner (male or female).

Isn't it more "normal" to realise that someone is attached and back off?

OP how great can your OM really be if he is engaging in this behaviour with you knowing that you are married?

Benzalkonium Sat 01-Nov-14 08:50:21

Have you looked 'limerence' up on Wikipedia?

It might be an accurate description of what you are feeling ATM.

Also it sounds like you have little interest in reconnecting with your dh. Examine your intent when you consider him/ interact with him. If you can try to lay your feelings aside and find the intention to connect with your dh, you may find it more satisfying to live with him.

If however you approach relating to him with a lot of negatives at the front of your mind : I don't fancy you, you were just a rebound... Then i think your marriage is on it's way out.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 01-Nov-14 08:59:43

Of course it's tawdry on a lot of levels. But I don't think there's any merit in trying to emotionally manipulate someone into not going!after a MM by saying 'you owe it to his wife and kids!!'... because that's saying the guy has no conscience or free-will. Both people here are behaving inappropriately and they both know it.

textingdisaster Sat 01-Nov-14 09:13:02

I sympathise with your missing the romance in your marriage confused. I am in a similar position and agree that divorce is a difficult terrifying thing to contemplate.

Are you able to talk to your h about how you feel?

I cry myself to sleep thinking I've another 40+ yrs putting on a smiling face with DH. Is property etc.. worth this much unhappiness?

Back to the other man, I had a crush on someone for a long time (though hardly knew him, he was my dds' teacher) and had some of the feelings you describe. He is now away on a 2 year sabbatical and I honestly can hardly remember what he looks like confused. I think my feelings for him were projections of things that I would like in my marriage (teacher was laid back and tolerant, h isn't etc...). That's why I think you need to sort things out on the home front before moving on. Can you change things with your h to the extent that you are happier?

MorrisZapp Sat 01-Nov-14 09:20:07

The problem is your marriage. It's a cop out to say you can't split up. Of course you can. None of your family want to see you unhappily shackled to a man you no longer love.

You need to dig deep and find your true self. Forty years in an unhappy home is a very long time.

noddyholder Sat 01-Nov-14 09:20:51

I am sure thee have been people with larger property financial commitments than you who have got divorced and moved on to a better life!

Mampire Sat 01-Nov-14 09:20:54

Often I think, these friendship/attractions materialise because neither party is ready to 'go'. there's a brake there. Once you're properly single, he might run for the hills.

I thought I'd met my soul mate earlier in the summer but after six weeks I realised, no, no definitely not. When you first meet somebody, you're not meeting them, you're meeting their representitive. you have to be around long enough for both your reps to have a day off on the same day.

bakingaddict Sat 01-Nov-14 09:23:58

I think you have to decide which is more important to you, is it your materially comfortable lifestyle with a stale marriage or living in the moment and being with somebody who makes you more feel alive because you can't have both

Do bear in mind that once the novelty of an illicit affair wears off and both you and this OM deal with any fall-out from what you've done the reality of riding off into the sunset together may be a little different. He probably doesn't even want this, just a indulgent shag on the side and then to go home and play happy families but if either of you are found out, two families will have to pick up the pieces and rebuild their lives from this.

Try couples counselling and examine if there is anything left in your marriage to salvage and if not then leave your husband and try to find your soul-mate but it's unfair to try and do it while your're still married

MorrisZapp Sat 01-Nov-14 09:24:38

That's fair comment mampire but there are lots of MNers who are happily married to people they fell in love with very quickly.

The farting, snoring etc doesn't put them off their husbands so it won't necessarily put them off OM either.

textingdisaster Sat 01-Nov-14 09:24:38

I also don't want to sound like a disapproving judging kind of person. I guess my reaction was in part down to the fact that my h is friendly with a woman he has done work for (on and off) for the past 9 years. I have sometimes wondered if they have feelings for each other and it is not a comfortable feeling! She is gushy and over the top being oh so nice to him which makes it worse. I reassure myself that she is like that with everyone confused. I also compare myself unfavourably to her which is not a good feeling either!

(I have told h in the past that I would much rather he said if he wanted to be with someone else but he just came out with his usual ironic non-committal type of response.)

So I guess it is easy to project when posting on people's threads! I wish you all the best confused.

treesandthings Sat 01-Nov-14 10:54:23

I've been in a similar situation for over 2 years now. It's difficult to explain but I don't communicate with the OM that much and rarely see him but the feelings are strongly there on both sides and have only got stronger and stronger over the 2 years. I've actually known him for a long time, 20 years or so.

I think over time, people grow and change and if you look at relationships as learning experiences, the person who is right for you 15 years ago, may not be right now. How do you resolve that when there are families involved, that is the question. There's only one life and if we don't do this, we may miss out on exploring a connection that is much deeper and more fulfilling than either of our primary relationships and that can give us new experiences and open up areas of ourselves we never knew were there. But, we are both in comfortable relationships with DCs, although those relationships feel stale. My relationship was going down the tubes before the attraction with the OM materialised.

I told my DP that I had feelings for someone else and he made great strides to fix where he had gone wrong with us. I went into counselling and am still there, working things through.

I am now at the point where I am nearly ready to either take things forward with the OM by both of us ending our relationships and then taking some time to be on our own before seeing each other. Or, cutting contact completely with the OM and staying in the family. I can tell you from 2 years of being in limbo doing neither one nor the other, it is very, very difficult. However, you need to be sure of your choice when you do act. Counselling is the way to get some clarity on what that act should be.

Whatever happens I am grateful for this experience as it has highlighted where my needs are not being met, either by myself or my partner and what those needs are. Who is the best person to help me meet those needs is what I am trying to work out. One step at a time.

Fairenuff Sat 01-Nov-14 11:09:37

When you say you can't leave, you really mean that you don't want to.

You also say that life without om is pointless.

Sounds to me like you don't want to stand on your own two feet. You want to bounce from one man to another.

Well, that's just how you got yourself in this situation in the first place.

Time to grow up and be an independant adult for once. Stop looking to other people to make you happy and take action yourself.

Mammanat222 Sat 01-Nov-14 11:10:34

Having had a 4 year rebound relationship (thankfully I didn't marry him or have kids with him) I can sympathise.

I managed to plod on with the relationship as I knew he was basically a decent man and I knew he adored me.

I was never truly happy but managed to brush the feelings aside, as lots of other stuff in the relationship worked.

The discontentment only grew though and eventually I met someone else - also attached. We never had an affair but boundaries were crossed and it was this that made me finally admit defeat and end my relationship.

It was horrible as for him it came seemingly out of the blue. However packing my bin liner of stuff and leaving was about the best thing I ever did.

I realise with kiddies and financial ties it isn't as simple for you OP but for me it was liberating to be free.

I regret ever leading my ex down the path I did, I should never have moved in with him BUT I couldn't go on living that life.

Whatever you think is preventing you leaving can be sorted surely?

Do not cheat though, that is just going to complicate things and make them messy. Also you DH does deserve more than that.

The other man is unlikely to be your soul mate, he is merely a symptom of your unhappy relationship and the fact he is attached is also a big red flag.

Do the decent thing by your DH and set him free - you don't have to tell him about the OM, or that you've never been mad about him but you can give him essentially the truth - in that you don't love him and aren't happy.

He will eventually respect this, or he will at least cope with it - he will never get over you having an affair though

PacificWerewolf Sat 01-Nov-14 11:12:39

If you are that unhappy with your DH, leave or work on your marriage - have you spoken to your DH about how you feel??

If you leave, live along for a while.

Then embark on a new relationship.

Don't cheat - therein hurt and damage lies.

PacificWerewolf Sat 01-Nov-14 11:12:52

alone

Twinklestein Sat 01-Nov-14 11:20:40

He's not your 'soul mate' OP, you've just fallen in lust that's all. The star crossed lovers act is just an attempt to romanticise the fact that you're marriage isn't working and you need to end it. For all the dramatisations you don't apparently love this man enough to overcome the lifestyle hit separation would incur, and he didn't appear to be offering a relationship anyway.

Read Madame Bovary and move on.

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