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I think I love another woman

(16 Posts)
confusedgiraffe Sat 01-Nov-14 01:27:52

I'm 50 and at my age I never thought this would happen to me! I've become very attracted to a younger woman 42/43 whom I've met at work. She has a wonderful fun personality, is clever, capable and ambitious and to cap it all I find her physically attractive too! She has 2 young children ( 2 and 3) and I have 1 who is due to start Uni next year. I love my wife but as a sister or as I love my mother! I feel my marriage has been one of convenience for the last 18 years! My wife and I have had sex just once after our daughter was born! Yes! Just once in 18 years and it wasn't that good either! There is no cuddling, hand holding or affection from either of us yet I believe we both care for each other very much and don't want either to be hurt. I know my wife doesn't want our marriage to end and she feels insecure. She gets upset easily over anything that quite innocently suggests I don't love her like a wife. We've had many ups and downs and have talked about things a lot. I think I've tended to 'kick things into the long grass' for years because I've not been in a meaningful relationship with anyone else. I'm a normal guy and I adore women and love sex. I'm not a machine and so have had to meet other women for sexual needs. This has made me feel guilty and unworthy and I know its wrong to treat my wife in this way. 4 years ago she found out and was understandably upset and angry. We kept things together for the sake of our daughter and have got on quite well since. My wife has not helped our relationship either. 10 years ago she ran up £25k of credit card debts without telling me! I cleared them and she did it again 2 more times for similar amounts! I felt betrayed and used and as if I didn't count. There is lots of other stuff - too much to mention here. I feel guilty for not ending our marriage years ago but couldn't bear to leave my daughter.I blame nobody more than myself and know I should end my marriage. I just wanted to share this and to look for re-assurance I'm doing the right thing. I've been unhappy for many years and I also think my wife deserves better. It's all very painful though just thinking about divorce. I'm also in turmoil emotionally and want to get closer to the lady I've met at work.

ItsAllJollyGoood Sat 01-Nov-14 01:48:23

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FreudianGymSlip Sat 01-Nov-14 01:50:45

What do you expect people to say OP?

peasandlove Sat 01-Nov-14 01:51:03

wow this one is not going to go well

minkymuskyslyoldstoaty Sat 01-Nov-14 01:58:36

the exclamation marks have given me the RAGE

WhistleandFlute Sat 01-Nov-14 02:01:21

Oh, poor you! You have felt so betrayed and used you had to screw around behind your wife's back!! Tell that to the object of your desire!!! I bet she'll see you in a whole new light!!!!

peasandlove Sat 01-Nov-14 02:25:40

can you imagine that woman at his work? poor thing, working, coping with two small kids, and some older married guy at work fancying her.

WhistleandFlute Sat 01-Nov-14 02:33:41

Oh, and all that credit your wife ran up without telling you? How much did you spend meeting other women for your sexual needs?

ChillingGrinBloodLover Sat 01-Nov-14 02:33:43

Is the younger woman married too?

You should leave your wife. Neither of you are happy.

sykadelic Sat 01-Nov-14 03:20:10

If you're unhappy then leave. I really can't think of a good way to say it. Life is too short to stay in a relationship that isn't fulfilling for both of you.

I don't personally believe you should become involved with this other lady, but I would use your feelings for her (whatever they are) as a reason why it's time to move on or try harder at your marriage.

If you do want to leave and don't feel counseling or anything like that would help then leave but do not involve this woman in that decision. It's not fair to her (or her kids) to become involved with you before you're not fully free of your relationship... nor is it fair on your wife and kids or conducive to moving on.

Move out, move on, and when you're emotionally ready for another relationship then consider trying something.

Good luck!

LoveBeingGetAGrip Sat 01-Nov-14 04:30:01

Leave her. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for either of you and hopefully both of you can be happier.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 01-Nov-14 06:16:51

You're doing the right thing giving your very dysfunctional marriage the last rites but it's going to be painful all round. It's usually a mistake to kick marital problems into the long grass and it's almost always a mistake to stay together 'for the kids'. I'll let others judge you for sleeping around but your DW's behaviour, including the excessive spending, sounds like she's been very unhappy & struggling mentally for quite some time... it won't be a coincidence. So I hope she gets some proper support and that you do the decent thing and don't add to her problems by being mean-spirited about financial settlements and so forth.

I would leave the woman at work alone for a while. No woman in her right mind would get involved with a man who is embarking on a divorce.

Yarp Sat 01-Nov-14 06:21:34

You fancy another woman. It happens. But use that fact as an impetus to sort out your marriage one way or the other and leave your colleaugue alone!

You are doing the right thing

textingdisaster Sat 01-Nov-14 08:15:57

So I hope she gets some proper support and that you do the decent thing and don't add to her problems by being mean-spirited about financial settlements and so forth.

Totally agree with this.

Your wife needs the chance to meet someone who is completely into her rather than there for convenience.

SpanielofDoom Sat 01-Nov-14 09:15:10

It's time to end the marriage, for both of your benefit.

It sounds as if you've got a bit fixated on your work colleague and are seeing her as the key to your future happiness. She has two young children, and apologies if I missed it but I don't see any indication that she's interested in you or even that she's single?

Get a divorce and give you and your wife the opportunity to be happy again.

Fairenuff Sat 01-Nov-14 10:52:10

You and your wife have a terrible, awful relationship but it sounds like you don't care about that as it suits you to have the comforts of home and screw around on the side.

Obviously, if you do care about this woman at work, the best thing would be to leave her well alone and don't inflict your warped relationship ideas on her. I would say stop lying to your wife but I don't think that's within you at the moment. Get yourself some counselling.

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