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DP touched me when I didn't want him to.

(107 Posts)
WestEast Sat 01-Nov-14 01:00:44

Don't seem to be able to name change, so fuck it. May be long, don't want to drip feed.

DP worked away Thursday, only saw him for twenty mins or so in the morning, came home Friday evening, saw him for half an hour and he went on a works leaving do.
He came home about half 11, had had a drink but in no way pissed. Tried chatting, as we've not seen each other properly and it was like getting blood from a stone, he was more interested in his pizza.
Went to bed, I sleep naked, him in his pants. I curled up on my right with him behind me, me laid on his right arm, with it round me. He started kissing my neck and feeling my breasts, I said no, he stopped and I drew my knees up to make it even more clear. About 30 seconds passed and he started touching my breasts again, pulling on my nipple, I made a 'nuh-uh' noise as I was shocked he was trying again, I just laid there. He 'rearranged' himself and started pushing himself into my back/bum area.
I laid there not reacting for about a minute and he started laughing to himself. I moved and sat on the edge of the bed, I told him I said no and then he touched me again when it was clear I didn't want touching like that.
He said sorry, I left the room, he's now fast asleep and I'm on the sofa. I can still feel where he was touching me.
Am I over reacting? I feel like he's crossed a massive line, I said no. I'm sat on the sofa shaking and he's happily asleep, knowing that he upset me.

ChillySpooker Sat 01-Nov-14 01:08:09

My DH does this. He's usually had too much to drink (not that it's an excuse) no words of wisdom. Can't imagine groping a man who so wasn't 'up for it' - so demeaning. Why do they do it? confused

ChillySpooker Sat 01-Nov-14 01:09:30

Sorry - I forgot to say that imo you are not over reacting.

Drumdrum60 Sat 01-Nov-14 01:16:50

Drink. But no excuse probably thought he was being funny. Idiot.

WestEast Sat 01-Nov-14 01:19:55

He's really fucked me off. He's never done anything like this before. He didn't want anything to do with me when I got home but feels like this behaviour is ok. I'm a cross between angry and shocked. And he's fucking snoring away.

WestEast Sat 01-Nov-14 01:20:13

*when he got home

ChillingGrinBloodLover Sat 01-Nov-14 01:27:09

You are not over reacting, that's really horrible, and yes, he's crossed a line, massively.

For me it's not that he tried to get you interested (which if he'd had any sense he might have known wouldn't be on cards tonight), or even that after the first 'no' thought he could persuade you otherwise... But 'nuh-uh' made it very clear you were not open re to being persuaded, to then try to push his way into you is totally unacceptable. The laughing and then just going to sleep when he knows you have been upset/scared by him, are both quite chilling.

Has he ever done this before?

ChillingGrinBloodLover Sat 01-Nov-14 01:27:58

Xposted, sorry.

NeedABumChangeNotANameChange Sat 01-Nov-14 01:32:40

Both my exes have been like this. But my NOs have always been wishy washy and if I'd ever said NO firmly and meant it then they would stop. But I've never really been in a relationship where I've felt uncomfortable with being touched or touching when it's wanted. And if I was upset enough to sleep on the sofa I would expect him to be next to me trying to fix it rather than snoring upstairs.
If you feel uncomfortable and feel he understood you did then it's not an overreaction. And certainly his reaction to your reaction is crap.

WestEast Sat 01-Nov-14 01:33:27

He knows, or should know, how much this will have got to me. He knows I was assaulted as a teenager. Prick.

TheAwfulDaughter Sat 01-Nov-14 01:39:58

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NeedABumChangeNotANameChange Sat 01-Nov-14 01:57:24

Oh west flowers then it's definitely not an overreaction.

I second telling him that you need space. Or maybe get a large male sinister looking friend to go poke him awake with a big cucumber.

smillassenseofsnow Sat 01-Nov-14 02:08:12

flowers

I don't have any advice but the laugh part sounds utterly sinister. The way you describe it resonates in some way with me. I don't know whether it's from a man I've known (/been involved with) or just some awful fictional person from the TV, but I can't see how it isn't an awful unveiling of some kind of deeply misogynist attitude.

Sorry that was a bit rambly. That behaviour would have me on immediate high alert and there would be no real settling down and trusting him again for weeks, and certainly not until some serious and uncomfortable arguments discussions had been had.

MrsTerrorPratchett Sat 01-Nov-14 02:26:08

When he was rearranging and pushing, was it an attempt to have sex? Because if it was, and you had said no and nu-uh and he tried to force his penis into you, that was attempted rape and there would be no going back from that for me.

AcrossthePond55 Sat 01-Nov-14 02:44:04

If he's never done this before (still not an excuse) perhaps all that he needs is a serious sit down talk about 'no means no' even between husband and wife.

If he does it again after you've explained it to him, then you better take a good long look at him!

BTW, I second the suggestion of taking a huge cucumber from the fridge and poking him in the 'bum hole area' with it! If more men really knew how it feels to be touched when you don't want it, maybe they'd stop it!

AcrossthePond55 Sat 01-Nov-14 02:46:54

My bum hole area suggestion isn't really serious BTW. But I really don't know of a woman whose partner hasn't done that 'pushy pushy bum' thing at least once when she wasn't in the mood. Ugh!

MrsTerrorPratchett Sat 01-Nov-14 02:55:20

Mine hasn't. Because he understands my body belongs to me. The OP said, "no". It wasn't a case of the man not knowing. He knew and did it anyway.

ItsMyChoice15 Sat 01-Nov-14 03:06:53

I'm going to preface this by saying that my ex was emotionally and sexually abusive. In the latter part of our relationship, when I was so ground down and didn't have the strength to leave, he would molest me in my sleep, as bad as actual sex and digital penetration. It didn't matter what I said when I woke up and remembered what he had done (I have a sleeping disorder that he was taking advantage of) I just kept telling myself it would change and it would then it would happen again... and again... so my DH doesn't attempt to "persuade" me at all. however I know a lot of people that enjoy the coy behaviour (playful slapping, etc etc) and that is their relationship dynamic.

YANBU to feel how you feel, but I do think you're probably overreacting a little, as well as posters saying it's "massively over the line".

The reason I think slight overreaction is because you're in a relationship and invariably, as your partner, he will touch you in many ways without asking first, it being something he's done before. Smack on your butt, holding your hand, etc etc. He, wrongly of course, probably thought you were just being grumpy, or joking, and with some gentle persuasion you'd turn around and...

It was wrong to do something to you when you had already said no, that's a given, but I don't think this particular situation is a LTB moment... I think it's a teaching moment though when he wakes up, explaining to him how violated you felt by being unable to sleep in your own bed because you were being touched in your sleep.

If there are other things going on in your relationship though, other things that give you pause about his level of respect for you, then this could most definitely be a warning you shouldn't ignore. Ask yourself if you're happy with your relationship or if this incident is just another sign that you should leave.

WestEast Sat 01-Nov-14 08:51:36

Thanks everyone. I'm psyching myself up to talking to him about it.

Vivacia Sat 01-Nov-14 08:57:55

What is happening on this thread?? No means no.

I'm not sure how I would trust a man like this in bed again. For me, it'd be separate bedrooms from tonight and a lock on "my" bedroom door.

Are you ok about having the chat? I'd use the fact that it was attempted rape when he tried to penetrate you after you'd made it clear you weren't consenting.

Vivacia Sat 01-Nov-14 08:58:56

And my advice just now is based on absolute contrition on his part this morning, otherwise the laughing little shit is out.

Joysmum Sat 01-Nov-14 09:01:38

I'm with Vivacia no means no. I'm feeling sick just reading this.

My no was ignored and I was raped. I'm so glad you weren't but I think this is very serious indeed sad

WestEast Sat 01-Nov-14 10:53:40

We've talked. The poking me in the bum was more an attempt to make me want to have sex rather than him trying to put it up there.
He knows he was categorically in the wrong, he doesn't quite understand the full ins and outs, but he's tried.
He said he was drunk, I told him he wasn't and not to minimise. He's apologised.
It's going to take a while I think.

Vivacia Sat 01-Nov-14 10:56:45

The poking me in the bum was more an attempt to make me want to have sex

But. You'd. Said. No.

Vivacia Sat 01-Nov-14 10:57:00

It's going to take a while I think.

What is?

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