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Why do all the other girls seem so good at this?

(39 Posts)
superstarheartbreaker Fri 31-Oct-14 22:21:44

This relates to another thread but it's to do with men going distant after sex in initial relationship phase.

Most girls seem to accept that men go distant after sex and stay level headed and don't text. They trust that the man will call back.

I on the other hand will panic and send the first text. Ugggrrr- what is wrong with me?

Drumdrum60 Fri 31-Oct-14 22:35:34

Depends how many men you have sex with. If you choose wisely they should be texting you. Sounds like an ego game to me.

callamia Fri 31-Oct-14 22:46:46

It's not JustSeventeen... Is this game playing really a thing?

I'm not naive, I've had some one night stands, and a few relationships - and I can't remember getting in a fluff about who texts first, or anyone going distant.

If they don't get in touch after you've had sec with them, then shrug it off and move on - they're clearly not good enough for you anyway.

Venticoffeecup Fri 31-Oct-14 23:10:07

There are, in my view, a lot of different factors at work here.

Firstly it depends what sort of relationship you want. If you are just after a fun flirty relationship with some sex which is really casual, then I don't think the guy-not-texting thing is an issue. It's just casual, you can't expect them to text you IMHO.

However if you are wanting something more traditional and structured it is different.

I wonder if you are picking the right sort of men, or at least, the sort of men you actually want to be with. I'd be pretty hacked off if a man I was in a properly romantic relationship with didn't get in touch with me after we'd had sex. Mind you, I'd not worry about sending the first text either, just go for it!

Maybe you need to take things a bit more slowly and get into a proper relationship, one where it is expected that you will be together and be in regular contact, before you sleep with the guy?

I appreciate that in this modern age of Tinder, people expect you to get into bed at the drop of a hat, but I still believe that you can hold out for more.

Tinks42 Fri 31-Oct-14 23:15:40

OP don't sleep with someone until you want to. If you sleep with someone and he goes cold then it's telling you he's just after a casual thing, so what? NEXT smile

Dirtybadger Sat 01-Nov-14 00:53:39

How do you ascertain what someone is after before you have sex? Do you? Don't ask don't get. If you don't have any idea if someone is after a one night stand, casual relationship or a serious one (in the long run, obviously not immediately) then you sort of just have to accept various levels of "coolness" after. If someone wants the same thing as you I would expect them to contact you relatively quickly (like within a few days) but there's no reason it's up to them! They may be thinking the same of you.
Just text them! It must be nice for a bloke not to be expected to constantly make the first move.

Also...this problem may be partially solved by seeing multiple people. If you're dating 2/3 (or they're in the pipeline) people your brain may become a little less hung up on whoever you slept with most recently.

Riverland Sat 01-Nov-14 00:56:12

Going distant after sex?! Who does? Never experienced this!

Drumdrum60 Sat 01-Nov-14 01:06:53

Best thing is to be clear about what you want from men before sleeping with them then your not sending mixed messages. Do you want them to adore you and then you dump them?

Been there done that.

saintsandpoets Sat 01-Nov-14 01:27:52

I've always found that if you are getting in a fluff, it doesn't work out.

In all the good relationships, the beginning stage is a very natural process.

FreudianGymSlip Sat 01-Nov-14 01:59:57

Perhaps you should work on your relationship with yourself and give the dating/relationship thing a rest until you have a more secure sense of who you are.

FolkGirl Sat 01-Nov-14 07:00:40


superstar this is the third time I have started this reply to you. The previous two occasions have been a reply on two separate threads of yours.

Please don't be offended, because I'm only saying this out of concern for you.

From what I've read on here it feels as though your love life is quite chaotic. I have the sense of you ricocheting from one man to the next, with a sense that you have to give every man you enencounter a chance 'just in case'.

These men are turning out to be, without exception, a bad idea and are damaging your self esteem.

FWIW, I've never assumed a man is going to go distant after sex and had to just deal with it. Maybe you need to talk to them beforehand; or be realistic about what is on offer/happening; or read the situation more accurately; or be a bit more discerning about the men you are choosing to have 'relationships' with in the first place.

I couldn't agree more that you need to give dating a break and work on yourself a bit more.

What hobbies do you have? What are your friends like? Where are you meeting these men? Who are you, what are you all about and what sort of man do you want?

I know a lot of men through various activities and none of them are the sort of men you describe.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 01-Nov-14 07:11:56

You can't generalise. 'Most girls'... I'd like to think.... would have got to know someone reasonably well before having sex with them and make a judgement whether they were a decent guy or not. Who sent the first text afterwards is pretty immaterial. I would hope that 'most girls' however would have the self-respect to decide that a man who didn't get in touch after a night together was a sleazy shit that wasn't worth chasing...... hmm

superstarheartbreaker Sat 01-Nov-14 08:41:27

Thanks all for the feedback. With the latest one for example I think it has been my fault.
Before sex and after one date he told me I was amazing etc and he hadnt felt like this for a long time. I really liked him but I wasnt sure if I fancied him.

The trouble is he kept adking me if I found him physically atttactive. Eg:

Him: Ive been thinking of you.
Me: me too.
Him: what have you been thinking?
Me: That your really cool.
HIM: Really cool?
Me: Yes. Your intelligence and charisma is attractive.
Him: But you dont find me physically attractive.
Me: I think you are quite full on and I need to go at my own pace.

I almost didnt meet him but decided to give him a chance. Second meeting and the chemistry was undeniable. Lovely meal got on so well. Lots of snogs turning into sex.

He did text me afterwards (first)but seemed a lot less gushy, frequent and more sexual.

I felt uneasy that he had gone from too intense to nearly the opposite. To which he replied that id asked him not to be so full on.

We had been messaging for a month before sex and now I feel like I might have ruined something woth someone I really liked by telling him that his hot/ cold appriach makes me insecure. I said I wasnt sure if I was secure enough to form healthy bonds atm. His last text was " I want you". No texting since but tbh relieved to have a break.

Trouble is I have no idea who is at fault here: him for being full on or me gor telling him he was too full on. The sex was lovely and we hung out afterward

CleanLinesSharpEdges Sat 01-Nov-14 08:45:26

I think you need to take a break from dating.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 01-Nov-14 08:52:48

Does 'messaging for a month' mean this was online dating? All that fishing for compliments on his part sounds incredibly tiresome to me. Also screams 'man who wants his ego stroked'.... which is consistent with what happened next.

I don't think it's a question of fault. I think it's very difficult to judge someone's character when all you've got are messages to work with. People can appear to be anything they want online. Would suggest that you try to read more between the lines at the messaging stage in future. Also, meet these people more than a couple of times before committing yourself sexually. And - as a PP said - in environments that don't involve judgement-foggers like alcohol and soft lighting.

JohnFarleysRuskin Sat 01-Nov-14 08:52:49

In 'the girls guide to hunting and fishing' there is a short story about 'the rules'. I recommend it.

Well, he sounds needy in that exchange, but then I would have chucked the poor sod something. He asked if you fancied him and you replied that it was too full on. I would have gone for a light response, yours was quite...heavy.

There are plenty more fish in the sea- if he made you feel uncomfortable you did exactly the right thing.

scarletforya Sat 01-Nov-14 08:56:57

I've seen your posts before too. Unfortunately finding love in your thirties can be like this.

I think men to a certain extent hold the cards when it comes to women in their thirties. They play with them without any intention of a relationship. I know this is a gross generalisation but it was my experience at that age being single too.

Thing is it's lonely being a single thirty something. All your female peers are often settled with families and it's tough not having opportunities to socialise. I hope I'm not projecting too much here Op btw.

I think guys know that it's tough for thirtysomething women, know that they're lonely at times and take advantage of that. I think that guy reeled you in, got what he wanted and then stepped back.

I'm just curious though, how did you go from not really fancying him physically at first to such strong chemistry on the second occasion? Did he talk you into it?

Stupidhead Sat 01-Nov-14 08:57:35

I think you need to take a break too.
I also think you're desperate to find 'the one' and they most definitely aren't. When you're ready to date again go in with a fresh mindset. Don't obsess over what you want in a man but what you DON'T want. Treat everyone as a 'date' and an adventure and not the potential start of the relationship. Don't have sex with them, treat yourself with kindness. They have to win YOU.

FolkGirl Sat 01-Nov-14 08:58:54

That early behaviour needs to be a redflag next time you encounter it.

FolkGirl Sat 01-Nov-14 09:02:56

I think he manipulated your feelings, played on your need for love and a relationship, got what he wanted and backed off.

I don't think you were in the wrong for sayong he was full on. I think he knew exactly what he was doing from start to finish.

JohnFarleysRuskin Sat 01-Nov-14 09:04:23

You've been told many times on this thread and your others, that its a good idea to do some work on yourself.

Do you think you can do that?

frankie80 Sat 01-Nov-14 09:05:44

so its mostly a text relationship hmm

He's using you for sex. You clearly have very low self esteem.

Have several actual dates before sleeping with someone, if they like you they will wait. In my case - 8 months :D

Vivacia Sat 01-Nov-14 09:16:08

I thought you must be quite young, I'm surprised that you're in your thirties OP sad

What you describe isn't dating. It's using a hook-up site.

FolkGirl Sat 01-Nov-14 09:19:45

superstar online dating can be fun. It can boost your confidence and is a really good way of working out what you do and don't want in someone.

I was talking to a friend about it yesterday and he did a brief stint of OD. He said it's greatest value had been in clarifying what he wasn't prepared to compromise on. Exactly how I feel.

I feel that you are seeing every man you chat to as a potential 'partner' when the majority will be completely unsuitable.

TheJiminyConjecture Sat 01-Nov-14 09:21:17

You remind me of a friend of mine. I'm always telling her not to be so nice. Now what I mean by that is that you gave a bloke a chance who you didn't fancy and were unsure about. You then slept with him and are now tying yourself up in knots about it. You can just say no to dates/messages etc. There is no obligation to date/have sex with every man who would like to date or shag you. I read a great article linked here once that was basically saying if you don't think "fuck yes" when he asks for your number/for a date etc then he's not the guy for you. Raise your bar and you'll be far likelier to find happiness than if you compromise so early on.

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