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Can you help me clarify what I should do?

(14 Posts)
WhereAmIGoing Fri 31-Oct-14 15:10:00

So I've been married for 16yeats with some ups and downs. A big issue (not an affair) some years ago forced us to do some work on ourselves and both DH and I made some big efforts to solve our issues.
DH is a nice bloke. He loves me and is trying his best.
I, on the other side, feels more and more that I don't truly love him anymore. Things are ok on a day to day basis. We get on, certainly pull our weight and try and support each other in our 'ambitions'/what is important.
But when I step back, I look at what I can only describe as a dull life. DH is crap at communicating. He doesn't do small talk so we rarely talk let alone discuss things.
He is trying his best but is constantly missing things. Like thinking about buying something for me but will forget that I like one brand and not another and he will just go for whatever is in front of him (usually the stuff I'm not that keen on). So I never feel 'loved' and cared about.
Any new thing, out of the ordinary stuff is putting him out of balance and he will freeze and do nothing. So me being ill means no support unless I can clearly state what I need.
I know that he is already doing his best. I know he loves me and I know that leaving him will Shattered his world.
On the other side, my life isn't bad as such. It's missing something but can I really expect DH to fulfill all my needs either?
I don't know anymore.

Dowser Fri 31-Oct-14 15:44:19

Tough one really. You say you don't love him. I suspect you do really just your life is lacking the fizz and sparkle that you get with a new relationship or that some manage to keep going after many years together.

As a marriage guidance counsellor I was taught to ask couples about their sex lives. You don't have to answer but it's a good gauge of how things really are with the relationship. If he still rocks your world then maybe it's about being spontaneous and getting out there and doing stuff together.

Work out what it was that attracted you to each other in the first place and how you get back to that is a useful tool.

WhereAmIGoing Fri 31-Oct-14 15:51:15

Sex life?? No he doesn't rock my boat and sex has never been the strong point in our relationship. I mean I had to teach him what to do to give me an orgasm, where my lit was ... We weren't even young.

What attracted him. His steadiness and the fact it felt like he was like a rock. Unfortunately, rocks can be quite cold too.

WhereAmIGoing Fri 31-Oct-14 15:53:02

At the moment I just to scream 'I want someone to care for me, put their arms around me and give a long meaningful cuddle'

Just that.

Jan45 Fri 31-Oct-14 17:23:03

Where is the passion, has it ever been there, sounds like you picked Mr dependable but ended up with Mr No Idea.

You only get one life, he may be a lovely guy but he's pretty inconsiderate towards you, never mind the fact he hasn't a romantic bone in his body.

You are allowed to admit defeat you know and move on and find someone more compatible with you.

Pregnantandpuking Fri 31-Oct-14 18:03:46

I gave up my Mr Dependable primarily because he didn't really know me well enough. He would think he was doing nice things for me, but he would always just somehow miss the mark. I could never put my finger on what he was doing wrong exactly and it felt quite cruel to do so. However you can't stay with somebody just because they're nice. You only get one life. There is nothing wrong with leaving somebody because they don't truly make you happy. Deep down, you just know if this is the case because it starts as a nagging feeling and it won't go away. Life is too short. Three years after I left my mister dependable I married Mr slightly less reliable but somebody who understood me on a much deeper level. My husband is now somebody who might drive me mad from time to time and he might challenge me on things but it was what I needed because Mr dependable did not bring out the best in me at all. I found it very hard to respect him and he thought I was incredibly harsh. It just wasn't a good match and it wasn't fair to either of us. Don't worry about hurting someone in the short term when actually it might be the best thing in the long term. I found the break up quite difficult at the time but very often choosing the easiest path brings the most misery.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 31-Oct-14 18:14:27

I wonder what the 'big issue' was and whether that had an impact on the way you feel? 16 years is a long time to work out that you don't like someone after all. Something went wrong.

Quitelikely Fri 31-Oct-14 18:22:32

The grass is greener where you water it. In 16 years time with a different man I'm sure their would be other little niggles. Relationships are rarely perfect and IMO going by what I read on these boards you're pretty lucky!

WhereAmIGoing Fri 31-Oct-14 18:39:53

What went wrong was a mix of him getting depressed, extremely stressed out and in a constant state of fear and me having 2 young dcs, close in age, PND. On the top of it, DH was working away most of the time so I was left looking after the dcs on my own.
And he reverted to be a 1950s type of man, grumbling that I didn't have all the hw done when on ML.
We had a lot of adjustments to make.
But that period left me feeling very very hurt. It feels like that time has damaged our relationship and I'm not sure anymore of it hasn't gone beyond repair despite our best efforts.

quite I'm very aware that in a lot of way I'm lucky. We don't fight as such, we are sort of pulling in the same direction. But at the same time, I feel I'm detaching myself from him. I'm longing for more. Not the spark and all the butterflies. Not the passion and the romance.
It's hard to feel like someone cares for you when they never quite listen to how you day went it you never know what us going on in their days. In 16 years, I still have no idea what is the name of DH boss, or of his colleagues for example.

WhereAmIGoing Fri 31-Oct-14 18:41:35

It's not really about not liking him anymore. It's about not having any connexion anymore.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 01-Nov-14 16:24:58

Connections... trust, closeness, affection.... are easily lost when there has been serious hurt. Everyone makes allowances and compromises in a relationship but some things stay with you and make you look at the partner in a different, unfavourable light. No amount of adjustments can overcome some basic resentments and the only coping mechanism left to you is distance. You mention detachment and there it is. Connection severed.....

AcrossthePond55 Sat 01-Nov-14 16:43:57

I suggest you picture your life without him. Not an imaginary life with your dream man, that may never happen. Your real day to day 'now' life without him. What would you do? Would your life be more fulfilling on your own? Would you be happier in your own space without him? Or would there be empty spaces in your life that you wouldn't be able to fill on your own?

If you truly feel that you would be happier on your own (again, not in your dream life, in your real today life) then go ahead and call 'time'. He may be happier without you, too. It may be that he's feeling exactly the same as you are inside but he, too, just isn't sure.

yackity Sat 01-Nov-14 16:46:27

He sounds like a nice friend to have, but a rather lousy lover/husband.

WhereAmIGoing Sat 01-Nov-14 19:48:34

Yes the more it goes the more I think that this period just destroyed something and I haven't been able to 'get it back'

A life wo him? Going by experience from DH going away for 2 weeks for work.
Easy, not really missing him as such, flowing. But hard work re finances and day to day organisation as I'm working late (not back until 8.00pm 3 nights a week) and I have no idea how I would cope on these fronts. My parents are usually there to pick up the dcs then, something they can't do every week for me. And harder as in more work as he is taking on a lot if the hw too.

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