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Oh help!(14 Posts)
So an old friend recently got back in touch, which was fantastic. He's an amazing man, wonderful father, the strong and caring and sane type (I say this as the past two relationships I've had -which are the only relationships I've ever had - have been with slightly unstable men). He's thoughtful and considerate and we've met for coffee and a wander through the park a couple times this week. Went for a coffee and wander again today. And at the end (about 20 mins ago) he kissed me, bit my neck gently and said "see you soon sweetness." And in my shock I kissed/cuddled him back etc.
Seriously, he's an amazing man. No idea where on earth that came from though! And the thing is, I feel good with him, I'm laughing for the first time in years, looking forward to seeing him when we arrange to meet up etc, and I'm a bit attracted to him.
The real problem is, I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship. As much as I know he's a great guy, I'm absolutely friggen terrified of getting into a relationship with someone else and getting hurt. I've just started councelling (today) to help get over my issues with my childhood etc, I'm just getting my life back together after a massive breakdown earlier this year and I'm still a bit emotionally unsteady.
What do I do? I like him but there's a chance I'm going to fuck things up and we'll both get hurt just because I don't feel like I'm worth someone loving (not a pity party, this is the reason I'm getting councelling. Fucked up childhood and all that, I'm dealing with it.) I push folk away because I'm scared, and this really came out of no where so I've no idea what to do or say. We've never even talked about how we feel toward each other apart from being friends and that was a few years ago before we lost contact.
Advice? Some sense knocked into me?
Well for a start are you both available?
Is neck biting a thing now? Bloody Twilight.
Listen to yourself, you are not ready.
Explain to him and if it's possible to just stay friends for the time being I think that would be for the best, you can always pick up where you left off when you are more settled in yourself if he's right for you.
If being friends is awkward or you fear you may be kissing on and off but without being in a relationship then it's probably best to distance yourself for now
I was a bit unsure about the neck biting thing but hey, each to their own
For a start, we're both single if that's what you mean? If he or I had been in a relationship id of been telling him where to go
Neck biting thing isn't something that I do normally, he took me completely by surprise there, had gone to hug bye when he done that. Same as the kiss (not full on making out either btw).
I think he'd listen if I was to say I wasn't ready, but I think things might be awkward and I'm feeling a bit weird thinking the only reason he's back in touch is because he wants a relationship. Distance might be best, it would be really sad to lose touch again though. We used to be great friends and I've been really lonely and isolated this past year.
How about having a chat with him, let him know how you feel and see how he responds? If he's not happy with just being friends then he will distance himself after chat, it would be a shame but it wouldn't be a good idea to get into a relationship you are not ready for just to keep his company.
If you're just starting counselling re big stuff you really could do with not having any distractions.
He's not your last-chance saloon, you know.
If you feel in your gut that you're not ready, it's ok to let this one get away until you feel that you are ready and open to let someone into your life on an equal, stable footing.
Or you might find your gut saying: this feels right.
But if there's any kind of fear, or squickiness, or rabbit-caught-in-headlights, or unease when you think of entering a relationship, then it's probably best not entered into.
The councelling is for quite big stuff, the whole reason for my depression and breakdown etc.
It felt a bit like stunned/really quite nice/good to feel wanted for once, all at once. But again I don't really trust how I feel because with my last two relationships I jumped into them because I wanted to feel loved and wanted. They both ended in disaster and heart break and it wasn't fair on my two little ones even though both relationships lasted three years each. (Kids have same father just for reference).
So definitely have a chat with him (what do I say?! "So the kiss was nice but I'm really not ready for a relationship and would prefer that we stayed friends if possible?") And phone or text? I'm so inexperienced at this it's laughable :s
"good to feel wanted" is a long way from "this particular man is great and I feel good with him".
Which, imo, is the way one should feel about a prospective romantic partner.
Juggling heavy counseling with a nascent relationship when you don't feel at all confident about how to handle yourself in a relationship is going to be a lot to take on, and each will muddy the waters of the other, imo.
"Thanks for your time but I don't want to take this further" should suffice. No need to bare your vulnerabilities: your decision is enough on its own. And if you stay friends, make it distant acquaintance. Or this will just trigger more confusion and insecurities. Again, imho.
Best of luck with whatever you decide to do. Good on you for tackling counseling; may it open a lot of new doors for you.
Just because you see him again for what the 3rd 4th time .. doesn't necessarily make it a relationship.You're just dipping your toe into the possibility of delight *heh
Be on your guard, don't think this is "IT" ... and enjoy? BUT feel free to jettison at any moment. You are FREE to choose.
If he's a really god friend, does he know anything of your past?
Was there flirting during the last meet up? Was there anything leading up to the kiss etc? Or was it a bit out of nowhere?
I've not really much interest in having a friend with benefits type thing (I couldn't do it, I need to feel something for someone to be able to sleep with them) so having a bit of fun that sort of way isn't on the cards.
He knows about my past and knows I'm dealing with it/just started councelling. There's not really been anything that I would class as flirting. We talked a lot about music, my several failed attempts at rollerblading, our kids, books and music, our failed relationships with our mothers, about how good it was to be in contact again/old times, how there was a huge lack of decent coffee places in this town, his job and university course, my plans for the coming year, Christmas, other general life stuff. But maybe I missed something, like I said I'm fairly inexperienced lol.
And cheesy as this sounds he acts like a gentleman (in a way. It's kinda nice but at the same time I want to tell him that if I walk next to the road I'm not going to fall off and be hit by a car/just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I can't sit on the bench next to the bin/I can pay for coffee this time cause he's paid every other time and refuses to let me pay.)
Re being with him, in his company. It does feel good being with him, life doesn't seem so complicated, I look forward to seeing him and we talk for hours on end on the phone at night. He makes me smile and laugh a lot, he's caring and even brought me vitamins/soup/Beechams cold and flu stuff when I was in a lot of pain with my throat earlier this week. But I thought it was just normal friend stuff.
It is really difficult for me to understand my own feelings. I was happy being friends. I did talk to him last night, told him I wasn't ready for anything other than friends and he was really good about it, apologised and said he hadn't meant to scare me off and that he'd wait until I was ready for something different. I'd like to stay friends but I'm worried that it'll be him hurt because of it.
Sorry if all of this seems rambled, very little sleep last night, Dd has a high temp and is sick
Don't worry about hurting him. Contrary to what a lot of women think, men are not delicate flowers we have the ability to destroy. They are quite capable of looking after themselves.
Just take care of yourself.
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