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How soon is too soon?

(14 Posts)
Blahdeblah111 Fri 31-Oct-14 14:48:33

2 months out of an almost 6 year relationship. I have joined POF, no dates yet - just chatting etc.

Am I moving on too quick? Are there rules for this sort of thing? The excitement and intimacy had gone out of our relationship. In the final two months of it I did kiss someone else when drunk (no idea of name/number it was literally just a drunk snog). I think the fact I've done that helps me with closing a door on it. Yet, part of me feels bad for wanting to move on.

Any wise words or experience to share?

perfectlyincapable Fri 31-Oct-14 14:54:41

You only live once, enjoy it and do what makes you happy, don't base your life on the opinions of strangers on the internet grin

Drumdrum60 Fri 31-Oct-14 14:55:14

As long as you feel like you are totally over your previous relationship and feel good about yourself I don't see why not. Be careful not to see men just to shore up your ego as you may do something you may regret. Keep your dignity and be clear to new dates about what you want! Have fun

Blahdeblah111 Fri 31-Oct-14 15:04:56

thanks for the advice - perfect it's strange because that would be the advice I would give to anyone else 'do what makes you happy' but I doubt it for myself! I probably am not fully over the other relationship, that will take time I suppose.

AYellowCreation Fri 31-Oct-14 15:40:15

Do you have DC?

Blahdeblah111 Fri 31-Oct-14 15:59:35

No don't have any children.

ConstantAcceleration Fri 31-Oct-14 22:11:55

Depends on the relationship. I'm 4 months out of a 1-2yr relationship and don't feel ready to move on. I was totally in love though, and still think of my ex a lot.

Blahdeblah111 Sat 01-Nov-14 08:13:39

Yes I guess it depends, I had emotionally detached myself (to some extent), which maybe makes me feel a bit more ready.

INeedToEat Sat 01-Nov-14 11:16:27

I am 3 months out of a 13 year relationship and joined POF after about a month (and have now been on several dates).

I am more than ready for 'dating' and the dates have been fun.

I think only you can answer your own question. I know myself well, I know that after a previous relationship I wasn't ready to 'date' for at least two years. I know this time it is different.

Life is short.

PoundingTheStreets Sat 01-Nov-14 11:46:24

I think a lot of women recover sooner that could be expected precisely because they have emotionally detached and done a bit of grieving before they actually end the relationship. There is no right or wrong length of time. Every individual and every relationship breakdown is different.

However, I think there are a few questions you should be happy with the answers to before you start dating:
Do I really know myself - who I am, what I want from life, how I'm going to get it?
Am I self reliant practically and emotionally?
Am I looking for a man to make things better?
Have I decided what my boundaries are in relationships and what I am going to do about it if they are crossed?
Am I good at recognising relationship red flags and reacting appropriately?
Can I stand my ground in a disagreement without behaving disrespectfully and am I able to recognise when I'm not getting that back?
Can I date without finding myself somehow 'falling' into a relationship without quite knowing how it happened?
Can I honestly take rejection knowing that incompatibility/lack of sexual attraction is not a personal slight against me?

If you're happy with the answers to those, I'd say go ahead and enjoy yourself.

bonzo77 Sat 01-Nov-14 12:03:29

Obviously what works for one doesn't work for another.

The PP who said that sometimes women feel ready to move on sooner than expected due to having detached and grieved well before their previous relationship was officially over is bang on. That was me.

I split with my BF of 7 years in late November 2007. In hight sight I'd been disengaging for around a year. Actually I knew it at the time but was half denying it. I spent about a month really distraught, though I had other problems too at that point. By NYE I was well esconsed in OD and had my pick of dates for that night. I met my now DH in early April.

The interim months were spent shagging about, working out what I wanted. Formulating what I needed to do to get that. Reminding myself not to "settle" be it with regards to men or work. Repairing my relationship with my family. Making myself materially / physically comfortable (new car now the ex wasn't sponging off me, horse now I had the time, good food, comfy flat in a nice area). I still wasn't quite right when I met DH. But I knew that. And told him. But we were 100% right, and I continued to heal. We married 14 months later. We are both a little damaged by our pasts. Who isn't?

Dirtybadger Sat 01-Nov-14 12:15:59

Too soon for a relationship, yes. Not too soon to do some dating. I think after a ltr it's good to get a decent wedge of time to find your feet as a single person again. I joined pof after 2 months (3.5year relationship). It's been 11 months now and having a few dates here and there and some good sex has kept my brain from convincing me that I need a relationships and consequently I've had a productive year (almost) with my own stuff. Still no intentions of a committed relationship although I think 11 months isn't "too soon" for lots of people, just me. You're entitled to some fun! Running from one relationship to another, however, not such a good idea IMO...

Chocolate99 Sun 02-Nov-14 09:58:42

Do it! I did it in june after ending 10 yr marriage in May, it does wonders for your confidence, ex and I had only had sex once in past 6 years which does a number on your self confidence and like you say, prior to telling stbxh i had pretty much detached myself from relationship anyway. I messaged quite a few men which was lovely to see what i was and wasnt interested in - avoid the ones who say their membership expires tonight and can they have your mobile number - you will just get pics of cocks!

I went on 1 date with 2 lovely men, no spark but still good to get back on the saddle. Date 3 is still going very strong some 9 weeks later, the sex is amazing, he is lovely and the polar opposite of my emotionally detached ex, cant stop smiling like an idiot and more happy than i have been for past 10 years. £60 match membership worth every penny in my book.

In my opinion it is a great way to put your feelers out and get in the habit of flirting etc and being complimented as i imagine that hasnt happened for a while in old relationship and that can feel a bit alien at first. take your time, listen to your gut instinct and have some fun. Xx

Blahdeblah111 Sun 02-Nov-14 15:14:16

Thanks so much everyone - I can relate to a lot of things in your posts, and you've made me feel less of a cow for wanting to put the feelers out.

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