Discovered porn habit 22 years together

[purplelavendar]

Following my family thread yesterday it seems my life is destined to be an Eastenders plot line. Discovered my husband at 6am in the bath watching porn.

This is after years of ED and no interest in sex. Any interest I pushed for he'd want me on top, to always see me, to be shaven - you get the picture.

Many times I've asked him if he's gay or watches porn. It's the lying and disregard for my feelings over the years that has shellshocked me. I don't know him.

On another note I'm far from prudish but after looking online this morning, it's gross and totally exploitative of women. Nice.

Feel numb.

[purplelavendar]

Sitting in the park on my phone so may not reply straight away

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Sorry you've had such a nasty shock. Horrible thing to be lied to.

[purplelavendar]

Hi cogito - I'm on a roll eh.

[TheHermitCrab]

You asked him if he's gay? was this due to lack of interest in sex, within an argument or because of other underlying things??

To be honest my partner and I both watch porn (he says he doesn't, he's a liar haha), and sometimes we have porn type sex (hence how I know he watches it!), other times it's loving and deeper, but it's always mutual.

It seems like he has an addiction - basically he's lazy and wants to get off without the two way effort - which is horrible :(

Even if you didn't mind porn, which you do after research, he's got a totally unhealthy and unattractive relationship with it.

What happened after the discovery? what did he have as an "excuse"? x

hugs

[Drumdrum60]

To be honest think there may be more to uncover so I'd keep quiet and find out. Check bank and phone records especially for large cash withdrawals. Be prepared to be shocked.

[purplelavendar]

It is horrible hermit; the lying. I asked if he was gay because I always felt there was something.

I feel utterly disgusted. I thought I was fat, ugly, the usual. Or that he had health issues.

He is ashamed - I'm not sure if that's about the porn or the lying. I haven't spoken to him yet. I just asked him to leave.

I thought he had a low sex drive! Two or three times a week at times he finally admitted to (by text).

I'm not even anti porn - each to their own. Didn't like what I saw but a lot of that has to do with the discovery of what's he's been secretly doing.

Thank you for your words

[purplelavendar]

Thank you drum - what kind of thing are you thinking?

[TheHermitCrab]

I can imagine, it's not the porn (although that's bad enough that you don't like it) but the lying. But don't let him make you feel sorry for him, or like it's somehow your fault, especially when you have been trying to initiate things.

Are you saying he had a low sex drive due to you both having sex at 2/3 times a week? That doesn't seem to low to me. (I'm not defending him, just not sure I understood that sentence)

As you say, each to their own, like you said it's more to do with the discovery! And the fact he led you to believe it was low drive/nothing to worry about while he was essentially lazily fiddling with himself behind your back!

It just makes me thing "dirty old man" to use porn as a replacement for a loving relationship that you've clearly been trying on from your side!

I'm mad for you :(

[purplelavendar]

No sex hermit (very occasionally) Porn 2-3 times a week.

[Drumdrum60]

My friend was in the same boat. Found out it was also escorts. Not saying it is but be prepared to find out more stuff. She checked his web history and he had been calling massage parlours and on teen websites. Don't want to frighten you just want you to be aware that this can happen. Hope not.

[TheHermitCrab]

Ah that makes more sense purple.

Did he explain why? not that it matters...

[Drumdrum60]

They didn't have sex for years and he blamed her body size. She also accused him of being gay. I wouldn't accuse him of anything until you know the full extent of what's going on or he will just hide stuff and lie. Anyway hope I haven't been too alarmist as it may just be the porn. Sounds like a deeper problem to me though.

[purplelavendar]

All he said before he left hermit was 'I'm messed up. I think I see sex as something dirty. You don't deserve this. Sorry. Blah blah'

[Drumdrum60]

Feck

[purplelavendar]

That's how I've been drum (by text). He said he didn't do it often at first. I was very matter of fact and asked for the truth.

It's easy to be matter of fact when you're numb.

[Drumdrum60]

Feel shocked and horrid for you. As they say on here listen carefully to what he's telling you. Where are you now? Have you gone home?

[purplelavendar]

Thank you Drum. I'm home now and calm but absolutely gutted. Think it will hit me. Not sure there's much he can say but we'll see.

Thank you for listening and commenting. Don't know what I would have done without lovely people on here these past few days.

[TheHermitCrab]

Ah the old "I think I have a problem" to avoid what a selfish prick he has been. He enjoys the porn, hence relaxing in the bloody bath while he's watching it, it isn't a dirty little thing he is skulking off into a corner and doing, he's having proper "me time" with it. And giving you nothing.

He wants to you pity him so he can pretend he is the victim here.

Maybe he is addicted to porn. But the way he's been treating you is inexcusable.

If he saw sex as dirty then you wouldn't have been having any normal kind of sex in any of your relationship in the past (which I'm presuming you did)

[purplelavendar]

He was often detached really in the early years when we did have sex. It's been good at times but never lasted - I don't know I was probably young and stupid when I met him.

[MadeMan]

"Discovered my husband at 6am in the bath watching porn."

In the bath???

[TheHermitCrab]

Don't blame yourself...

Need to think what you want to do about him though!

[purplelavendar]

Yes in the bath

[Fairenuff]

Well you can have a sex free life with a man who chooses to watch porn.

Or you can have an open relationship and have sex with someone else.

Or you can separate.

Which would you prefer?

[purplelavendar]

I certainly do hermit. Things won't ever be the same between us. No decisions for now. Got to let it sink in first.

[purplelavendar]

I can't answer that Fairenuff at the moment. Not willing to live on his terms anymore. I'm heartbroken though. Trying to stay calm.