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I want to move, DH doesn't, Do I make the best of it?

(14 Posts)
Tiggs2 Fri 31-Oct-14 10:51:58

I've always loved the idea of a house move, a new fresh start, bigger rooms etc but my DH seemed to be rather reluctant to do this, even though he was keen 12 months ago.
After talks we decided to compromise by extending where we live now. To cut a long story short, the whole process has taken many, many months of planning, idea's, permission etc and its now turned out that the builder has spent our deposit ( which was quite a lot), on himself, and no longer has it.

To cut a long story short we are not going ahead with the build until next year, and not with this builder, who is now ignoring us totally as we have asked for the money back. My heart is really not in extending anymore and i've tried to explain this to DH. I don't want to be in debt again ( owing a new mortage), and there is so much that needs doing here, as i've said it will be like trying to make a silk purse from a sow's ear.

He is not that happy about it but Dh has told me that ok, he will move, but is not getting involved with any of it at all, so it will all be totally down to me, which is very unfair, but something I can't change! So before I can even consider doing that i'm looking at what needs doing here and wondering if I would actually learn to love it here if it was "freshened up", including the knocking down of an old lean-to and adding a new conservatory, something i've always wanted.
Dh has said that we cannot spend loads on doing up this place, if we are going to move, so its one or the other and I am completely torn.

As it stands I'm sick of looking at this place as it is and all the repairs that need sorting etc, and then on the other hand I'm trying to imagine a new conservatory with double doors, the brightness and new flooring downstairs etc, but I cannot do all that and then say I still want to move.

It would be basic stuff to sort in order to put it on the market, and I doubt we would get back 11,000 from a conservatory if we had that built, but as DH has said the old lean-to we have at the moment is actually taking value away from our house.
Even if we were to wait till next year, there are things that still need sorting here, the biggest being the lean-to.
Any advice or opinions please would be great, as I just don't know what to do for the best.

lemisscared Fri 31-Oct-14 10:59:43

The first thing i would be doing is taking that builder to court! Why did he take a deposit before dates were finalised, drawings submitted etc?? Once you have your deposit back you'll feel more positive. I would extend personally as it puts you in better position if you do want to move.

difficult once you have lost heart i know, but not all builders are rip off merchants, some of them are even quite good ;)

Castlemilk Fri 31-Oct-14 11:04:51


And let the builder know that after court, it's the local paper. Or if it gets to court, the local paper at the same time.

Deal with the house move later!

Monathevampire1 Fri 31-Oct-14 11:34:31

The first thing you need to do is get your deposit back from the builder. Get him to court and get your money back.

Then if moving is still what you both want have a real sort out and maybe decorate the rooms neutrally but I wouldn't invest in anything major like a conservatory. The new buyers would have their own ideas anyway.

Tiggs2 Fri 31-Oct-14 12:18:53

We are in the process of taking the builder to court as he hasn't responded to us at all, even though we sent him the intial letter explaining that we were going to take legal action if he didn't respond in 7 days, so its a long drawn out waiting game now. I would love to find out if he has done this to anyone else but I can't find anything on name searches.

I agree with all of your advice really, but if we did extend then we wouldn't get a lot of the money back in the future , as the house prices around here show. If I did extend though it would mean that we were staying here, so its one or the other. Though I would love to refresh this place, I'm not sure if that will be enough to change my mind.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 31-Oct-14 12:40:42

I'd get your deposit back, buy the new house and let someone else worry about freshening up the old place. Unless it's so awful that it might hamper the sale, of course. Your DH may have said it in a grudging manner and not want to be bothered with the details but he's given you the green light to get on with buying a new place. It's not ideal but I'd make the most of that, take the responsibility, get the place of your dreams and I'm sure he'll tag along behind when all the hard work's done.

Joysmum Fri 31-Oct-14 13:47:00

I disagree, no way I'd move unless my DH was 100% behind it, we do things as a team.

Personally I'd get an estate agent in, get yours valued as is and as it could be if money invested. That way you can work out the maximum returns from your place. If you've got planning permissions, disclose those as they add to the value.

From there you've got your figures to work out what you can afford and if it's so much better than what your current place could be if you invested in it.

I'd go through the whole thing logically in terms of finances for the 3 options of: sell as is, sell done up, stay and improve.

From there you can then discuss your emotional feels about where you are and what you want to move and in conjunction with the financial arguments you can hopefully reach agreement and be united in you choices.

enWoooquethesythebearingwizard Fri 31-Oct-14 14:28:22

I agree that you need to have a good hard think to work out exactly what you want to achieve - as a couple - and then how to go about it.

For me it's quite interesting that you posted in Relationships and not in Property.

Immediate short term why don't you go and have a critical look at your house right from the front approach and make a list and notes about what you could improve easily and cheaply. Weeding, touching up paint work, very minor repairs and tidying. Look at the house as though you're putting it on the market and see what you can do so that you'll be living in it while it's the best it can be at the moment.

Best of luck chasing the builder. All that must have put an awful lot of stress on both of you, which is why it's important to try and figure this out as a team together.

Dowser Fri 31-Oct-14 23:04:30

Sounds like a case for cowboy builders and Dom little wood.

Might be worth writing to the programme. They may have the name of your builder on file.

It's on ch 5 I think.

Worth a try.

Sparkle9 Fri 31-Oct-14 23:11:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MexicanSpringtime Sat 01-Nov-14 06:25:39

If the improvements you plan to make will not add value to your house, is it the sensible thing to do?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 01-Nov-14 06:38:48

I wondered the same thing Mexican. Doing up the old house seems to be wrong on a few levels i.e. it's not where the OP wants to live and it's a bad return on investment.

My current house was actually my exH's initiative. He was the ambitious type with itchy feet, whereas I can set up home pretty much anywhere and be quite happy... hence why I haven't moved house for 20+ years. Sometimes one partner is more motivated than the other and, provided you all end up under the same roof, why not play to your strengths?

MintyCoolMojito Sat 01-Nov-14 07:24:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum Sat 01-Nov-14 08:58:04

This is why getting in a few estate agents to value as is and offer advice on home improvements to maximise sale value against any potential investment is the place to start.

Personally, I've always haunted the likes of Zoopla and Rightmove but then my houses are of comparable stock and doing so over time has given me context in the market as neither site tells you exactly what property actually sells for. Zoopla got my properties purchase prices wrong so beware.

I've chosen all of our properties and overridden my DH on a number of occasions, but then he's wanted to buy too and I'm the one that knows the market we were buying in and had the time to research and house hunt. I certainly agree with Cognito of playing to strengths but both still need to be in agreement and not reluctant. Is not stand for being pushed into anything and so respect my DH and wouldn't do it to him.

Your situation reminds me of how I was ready to try for children 3 years before him. That was a tough wait but it came good in the end.

Having some cold hard opinions may be just what you both need to make a choice that suits both of you.

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