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Am I missing something? (long)

(8 Posts)
Monny Thu 30-Oct-14 23:59:27

I have posted before about my DH (and hopefully STBXH) who is a bit of a head messer. Background - long marriage, finally realised this summer that he's emotionally abusive. I have withdrawn from our 'relationship' (for personal strength so that I can get to divorce point) and he's flitting between good cop/psycho cop faster than usual.

So, he's been messing around with my pension (stopped payments out of the blue last year, eventually started it again at 1/2 the amount). He then stopped payments in anger this month, then in good cop mode he promised to restart them. This week he reduced his own pension payments (no prior discussion with me, just an email cc.) with a view to putting higher payments in my 'new pension' when he restarts it. He points out that means we'll have less pension in our old age.

Now I'm fairly sure that he's not just being 'nice' and he realises divorce is inevitable as he's never seen me back off for so long and he has uttered the word himself. Instead of quaking as my old self would, I emailed him back to ask what was going on. I also said that my issue was not so much the amount, but the fact that he's been messing with my pension without discussing with me and explained how it made me feel - scared. I also asked him to tell me the amount he has paid for two non-essential items.

So, DH turns it round on me that I am being aggressive, that he has cut down his own pension for me, that he can't do anything right, etc., and then listed some household things he pays for my benefit (all actually instigated by himself and none requested by me). He also added a few emotionally guilt items such as not being able to afford to flight to visit a relative for their birthday, etc. He still didn't tell me the amount paid for those two items which is circa £7000 (sorry can't say what they are as trying to be anon, but believe me, they are absolutely non-essential, I happened upon a receipt and I just want to see if he could just tell me).

So, is he:
a) doing a crap Hoover Manoeuvre?
b) just being the usual illogical head-messer
c) given that divorce is on the cards, am I missing a trick?
d) am I really an aggressive cow that's missing the point?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 31-Oct-14 06:24:50

I would guess it's somewhere between b) and c). He enjoys keeping you on the back foot as standard and, as he can sniff divorce in the air, he doesn't want to invest more money in you that he isn't going to see again. That assumes his income has stayed the same rather than gone down, of course. If his income has reduced he may be trying to legitimately cut costs. If his income hasn't gone down I would also speculate that the reason he isn't putting more into his own pension is that he has found some other investment that he thinks will be divorce-proof.

I would treat this as a cue to get the divorce underway sooner rather than later.

Monny Fri 31-Oct-14 09:21:43

Thanks ECS - I made a mistake on the D forms last night so off to buy some printer ink today! I've got to end this ASAP as he's getting more bizarre with time. I guess it's good that for once it's all recorded on emails.

His income hasn't gone down but he controls the finances and only he really knows where the money goes. I have managed to gather up info now, so ready to start the D.

He flips between being a big spender (generous to a fault) and that we have no money, restricting my expenditure (oh no he doesn't - he just makes the budget veeery tight) and calls me a spendthrift (before I got my p/t job, I bought new shoes when the holes got too big).

I have no idea where we truly stand financially because of all the mixed messages (we're broke yet he can spend £7000 on genuinely non-essential things???)

GoatsDoRoam Fri 31-Oct-14 09:27:21


I also suspect that, as an illogical head-messing abuser, he doesn't believe that you would have the gall to actually divorce him.

Good for you trying to get financial information. You will most likely have to obtain him through your own means, rather than by asking him directly.

Do you have a solicitor?

Monny Fri 31-Oct-14 09:46:59

Thanks GDR. I kind of have a solicitor - I know someone who works in Family Law and is willing to help me. However, given his nature, I wonder if I should have something more concrete. If I start unrepresented, can I start being represented at any point in proceedings?

GoatsDoRoam Fri 31-Oct-14 10:02:17

That's a question to ask a solicitor.
Honestly, they're worth the money. And it's good to be represented by someone practical and dispassionate in these kinds of emotional situations. I think it can only work to your advantage to hire a professional, rather than to represent yourself or to rely on a friend. Shop around for one that feels like a good fit.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 31-Oct-14 10:10:15

I also think a solicitor is worth the money, especially if you're dealing with a devious bastard who knows his way around finances.... smile Talk to friends in the know by all means but hire a solicitor as a priority.

Monny Fri 31-Oct-14 12:27:14

Thank GDR and CES, this latest twist has certainly got me thinking twice about my legal representation. I have no idea what he'll do next confused

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