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Poss Triggering!! Reporting ex to police

(26 Posts)
BlackIvy Thu 30-Oct-14 19:53:22

I might need some hand holding.

I left my stbxh 2 years ago. On at least two occasions during our relationship he raped me. He didn't need to use physical force. He waited until the sleeping tablets kicked in and then took what he wanted. On one of the occasions I woke and he was taking photos.

On Tuesday I have an appointment with Rape Crisis. The lovely lady there is going to go over my options re counselling and making a report to the police.

I really, really want to report him. It's taken years but I'm finally starting to feel anger, how fucking dare he. I want him prosecuted.

I'm scared of what happens when I report it. I have so many questions. Will I have to go to a police station to do it? And if it goes to court will I have to be there.

I have a text where he admits what he did!

Flexibilityisaghost Thu 30-Oct-14 20:06:54

Here to hold your hand. You are being very brave. I hope he gets what he deserves for what he did!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 30-Oct-14 20:19:45

I'm sorry you had that experience but I'm glad you're in contact with Rape Crisis. They're the professionals in this situation and they will be able to guide you through your options, including the police procedures. Good luck

Adarajames Fri 31-Oct-14 02:43:24

I'm so impressed by your strength to want to report his awful abuse of you, I hope you can congratulate yourself for taking such a huge and frightening step. The people at rape crisis will be able to talk you through all that you can expect from police when you make such a report, but police are, in general, so much better at helping you through such things now than ever used to be, so hopefully will make it as easy as such a think can be. Will be sending Strength and support your way x

Rinkydinkypink Fri 31-Oct-14 03:25:18

The police are pretty at good at this sort of thing. It depends on which force as to how good. Once you report it your usually given the option of whether you want it go further. Sometimes this is not the case and the police decide to prosecute because of the seriousness of the crime and other evidence they may have received.

If you are wanting to prosecute him then quite honestly I'd brace yourself for what could be years of digging it all up. It takes a lot of strength and courage but IF it works in your favour it can be very validating and satisfying.

Conviction rates are low but with the evidence you have I'd say you stand a good chance of at least the CPS putting the case through court. A lot depends on what he says when he's questioned. Which he will be, so he will know you've reported.

Your past will be dragged up and your validity and reliability as a witness/victim ( I prefer survivor!) will be questioned by the defence. If you do decide to report your counselling options may alter as this also sadly be used against you but that will be explained to you.

Your in very safe hand with Rape Crisis. Their staff are very well trained, experienced and well supported.

Lots to consider. You have time to think about it.

Rinkydinkypink Fri 31-Oct-14 03:31:17

Oh and please consider how you'd feel if he wasn't found guilty. Again sadly a conviction is not guaranteed and I've seen some cases that seem full proof be found not guilty. Unless you find new evidence they can't be tried again.

It's incredibly unfair but happens a lot. If this does happen it can be devastating!

Sorry to put the bad side across but like I said you've got lots to consider .

BlackIvy Tue 04-Nov-14 11:47:20

I met with a lovely lady from rape crisis.

I think I'm going to report him. I need to pick up the phone and dial 101. I'm honestly terrified though.

What if they say it wasn't rape. I feel like I'm wasting their time. I wasn't violently assaulted in the street. I was in my own bed. It was my husband.
I feel so shaky and numb at the same time

Madlizzy Tue 04-Nov-14 11:50:46

If he had sex with you without your permission, then it's rape, no matter who does it to you.

BlackIvy Tue 04-Nov-14 11:51:27

Do I just pick up the phone now and report him or do I think about it for a while longer?

GelfBride Tue 04-Nov-14 11:54:15

Don't be afraid of court OP, it is just court and court will help you get free of this hanging over you. See it as a tool to help you.

Lweji Tue 04-Nov-14 11:56:32

Just do it.


BlackIvy Tue 04-Nov-14 11:56:42

I feel scared of the police. Like I can't trust them.

Lweji Tue 04-Nov-14 11:56:56

Why not?

Lweji Tue 04-Nov-14 11:57:47

You can check if there is a local domestic violence or rape section. They should be capable of dealing with this sensitively.

BlackIvy Tue 04-Nov-14 11:59:45

I am going to do it. I have to do it because I'll never be free of it otherwise.

Thank you thanks

hellsbellsmelons Tue 04-Nov-14 12:00:31

I honestly can't imagine how petrified you must be feeling right now.
You are being so brave.
Of course it is rape and if you make sure you ask for the DV unit they will believe you and help.
Well done confronting this.
This kind of rape is just awful and you can help put a stop to it happening to some other poor unsuspecting woman.
Do it in your own time - when you are ready.

BlackIvy Tue 04-Nov-14 12:16:10

Thank you x

Dowser Tue 04-Nov-14 18:03:02

I was hoping someone from rape crisis would have been at your side to hold your hand while you rang the police.

Wishing you lots of strength and courage.

scurryfunge Tue 04-Nov-14 18:09:34

Thinking of you BlackIvy. Can you recall ever confiding in anyone else about what happened? There may not be any forensic evidence after this time but it will help if you have mentioned the rapes ( or hinted at what was happening to you) to any other party.

Jux Tue 04-Nov-14 19:02:25

Well done, BlackIvy, it's a big decision but the right one. He drugged you, did what he wanted and took photos. He is a disgusting piece of shit and deserves whatever comes his way.

Be brave. This will make you free.

Jux Tue 04-Nov-14 19:03:18

If you have atext where he admits to it, then there shouldn't be a problem.

BlackIvy Wed 05-Nov-14 10:16:22

The lady from rape crisis did offer to be with me or to actually make the initial call for me but I wanted to do it myself. I think I'm a bit of a control freak!

Yesterday didn't go to plan because dd got sent home from school sick and I need to do this when I'm at home on my own.

RC lady gave me a book 'from report to court'. I'm just working my way through it now and it's actually making me feel a lot braver.

I was very worried about my teenage dc finding out but I think given the fact that I would have the right to anonymity means there is no reason they would.

Ex has moved to a different county now and it's different police forces. I still live where we lived as a couple. Does anyone know if the court proceeding would be here or where ex lives?

BlackIvy Wed 05-Nov-14 12:57:05

Scurry, Im just thinking about that and I did talk to my GP about it about 6 months ago. Do you think it would help to mention that to the police?

BlackIvy Wed 05-Nov-14 13:00:13

Jux, his text was a response to an angry one I sent him. I wrote: "Do you understand that what you did to me was rape? I need to know what happened to the pictures I know you took. Are there any photos on line? "

His response: "I understand what i did and how wrong it was. I swear i deleted all the photos at the time i took them. They were never put online at all."

Would this count as an admission do you think?

Deathraystare Wed 05-Nov-14 13:07:05

Please be brave and report this. Keep the text.

Not sure if it would be admission (not my profession) but it might.

You can always change your mind as ask the lady from rape crisis to be with you when you make the call if you think you do need a holding hand.

If the doctor did make a note then I think that may help.

Good luck.

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