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Would you accept fault to ensure a quick divorce?

(23 Posts)
DefinitelyMaybeLove Thu 30-Oct-14 17:50:53

Back story: I left my (hopefully)STBXH of 12 years over a year ago following the discovery of his 8th affair. Since then I've come to realise he's also EA and I find dealing with him very difficult but have to for the sake of our two young DC.

I would like to initiate a divorce and have discussed this with him. I told him that I could either divorce him under the adultery or unreasonable behaviour grounds but as he is denying ever having cheated, is saying he will not sign to agree to a divorce under these grounds.

I put it to him that he be the petitioner and divorce me for adultery (technically true as I've recently started a relationship with someone new) and he has agreed to this.

However, some of my friends/family think that I would be foolish to accept the 'blame' in this (legal and public) way. I know that it doesn't affect anything in any real sense and technically I have committed adultery but morally I feel I did nothing wrong when he did and it's almost making a mockery of that.

How would you proceed in these circumstances? Should I just accept the blame to get what I want? I would like to be divorced before the year is out if possible.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 30-Oct-14 17:56:22

As long as everyone who matters knows the truth and as long as there is no financial penalty, I think I'd own up to anything rather than stay saddled to an arsehole a second longer than necessary. smile Just make sure that, if you do this, he really does sign on the dotted line with no extra obstacles. 'EA' people will enjoy making you squirm for the sake of it and really can't be trusted

2rebecca Thu 30-Oct-14 18:04:23

Yes, getting the paperwork sorted is more important than whose fault it is. if you refuse he could drag his feet and you could be stuck being married to him for ages. It was different years ago when being divorced for adultery was cause for scandal and in all the papers but no-one else is going to know and the people who know you and whose opinions matter know the truth. It isn't "public" in any meaningful way. It is quick though and that's the important bit.
It won't affect arrangements for the children etc as most lawyers would love to see the end of whose "fault" it is divorces. Scotland tried to scrap adultery as a fault thing in 2006 but the public and churches were keen to keep it there rather than have all divorces no fault.

mamas12 Thu 30-Oct-14 18:05:13

Agree EA people cannot be trusted
Look it may take another year before you actually become divorced so why don't you wait for the two year divorce
The only thing about 'letting him win' as that will what it'll be in his eyes is that he will insist on something else and then one more thing and then... Well you get the picture
Also as it is a public document your DCs could look it up in the future and there the lie would be
My Ea ex insisted on certain changes in the divorce 'reasons' for unreasonable behaviour I put down denying they ever happened but I put sufficient other things down that were factual and he was happy with
I would go for unreasonable behaviour as you could site his 8 affairs one by one and ALL the other stuff
Talk to your sol

FreudianGymSlip Thu 30-Oct-14 18:24:56

I think you have to be wary of trusting that an EA stbx would stick to any agreement, particularly one that spells the end of their influence over you.

Unless you want to marry again quickly can you live life as if you are divorced and just wait for the time when you don't have to get into such negotiations with this man?

Anniegetyourgun Thu 30-Oct-14 18:41:46

It's only two years' separation by mutual agreement or five years regardless, isn't it? So he could still dick about after two years.

Also is that right about the petition being a public document? A quick Google of several solicitors' sites suggests it isn't, although the Decrees are.

I went for unreasonable behaviour because it was the quickest. XH disagreed with the reasons in his response to the petition but (on his solicitor's strong advice, I'm sure) didn't refuse the actual divorce. There was quite a bit of to and fro over the financial settlement of course, so the whole thing did actually take around two years. But that's better than it not starting for two years and then taking however long it takes.

PoundingTheStreets Thu 30-Oct-14 21:28:36

Nobody really gives a damn TBH but in your shoes I'd just go for unreasonable behaviour. You can say what you like. He can agree or disagree with the grounds, and can refuse or agree to sign the forms when they're sent to him. I'd say that EA types are as EA types do. He'll either co-operate or he won't, but it will be on whatever whim is going through his head at the time, not about anything you do. Ultimately, your divorce will go through. Any sticking points causing any substantial delay won't be about the grounds but about the financial settlement.

PoundingTheStreets Thu 30-Oct-14 21:29:21

When I say nobody gives a damn, I mean about whose fault is named about any divorce, not about your particular case. I hope I didn't cause any offence. flowers

Hesaysshewaffles Thu 30-Oct-14 22:11:30

I wouldn't but you can file under the unreasonable behaviour or whatever it's called. You can put things like didn't show me attention, was out all hours, didn't help with kids and hint that his behaviour made you feel like there is someone else. Doesn't matter if the points you include sounds petty as you just have to 'prove' they were unreasonable to you, that way he can't dispute them. That was my back up if my ex didn't agree I adultery. Also if you divorce him, you can get him to pay costs.

BlackDaisies Thu 30-Oct-14 22:19:59

I wouldn't do it either. You never know what may happen in the future. What if he started fighting for more contact with the children on the basis of your unreasonable behaviour/ treatment of him? I think tell the truth and go for unreasonable behaviour/ adultery. He can always deny it but agree the marriage has broken down.

sunshineandhappy Thu 30-Oct-14 22:23:37

In my divorce, my exh had to pay the costs as he had committed adultery, and he admitted it. My lawyer had listed adultery thinking he would refuse to sign, so we could go for unreasonable behaviour, but he signed, and the judge said he should pay my court costs. I was happy, exh wasn't. So be careful of allowing your behaviour to be the cause.

FeckTheMagicDragon Fri 31-Oct-14 02:25:36

I did this. And I regret it. Not only did he try to screw me over the costs (retracted that pretty quickly as I could have taken him for evey penny and was being beyond fair stupid

FeckTheMagicDragon Fri 31-Oct-14 02:29:25

posted too soon

But I've regretted it ever since. He showed it to everyone he could and lied about it. People who had been sympathetic then thought I was lying. I was shunned. Bastard.

In addition when I got remarried I had to produce my divorce certificate. I had talked about it before to my husband, but it was still horrible to see it there in black and white.

Don't do it. Use unreasonable behaviour.

coalscuttle Fri 31-Oct-14 02:30:08

I am divorcing my ea stbxh and if I were you I wouldn't do this. For what it's worth I discussed the possibility of him denying it all etc and my solicitor he had never had a correspondent actually refuse to cooperate.

sykadelic Fri 31-Oct-14 03:12:14

Sorry but I wouldn't either. I'd just do unreasonable behaviour. Give him nothing to lord over you.

muddylettuce Fri 31-Oct-14 11:14:02

I did but there were no financial implications for me. He paid all divorce fees and I paid solicitor fees for sale of flat. If I was anticipating a battle over financial settlement or had children with him I wouldn't have in case it had an impact on the outcome. X

Monathevampire1 Fri 31-Oct-14 11:18:46

No I wouldn't, just get the divorce started. Don't discuss it with him just instruct your solicitor and go for unreasonable behaviour or adultery.

diddl Fri 31-Oct-14 12:36:51

well you are committing adultery, so if he petitions you might as well go with it I think.

If you file for his adultery does she have to admit it?

pinkpeony Fri 31-Oct-14 13:00:36

I agree with previous posters who advise not to accept it. It is better that you file the divorce petition, as then you will have more control over the process. If you rely on him to file, you will lose control over the process and he could drag his feet forever. You can file for unreasonable behaviour (or adultery if you prefer). He doesn't have to admit to the behaviour in order to accept the divorce. When I divorced my EA DH, I filed for unreasonable behaviour, and under his solicitor's advice he didn't agree with the grounds but he accepted the divorce.

There should be no financial implications in the sense that the courts don't look at "fault" or "morality/conduct" when deciding on a financial settlement, but there may be a financial implication if handing control of the process to your XH allows it to drag on, legal costs to rise, and gives him more negotiating leverage over you to get a better financial settlement for him.

diddl Fri 31-Oct-14 13:16:48

If you want to file for divorce then do so!

He'll agree or disagree but it's surely better than doing nothing or waiting for him to do something?

trikken Fri 31-Oct-14 13:21:56

Dh's aunty did this. Uncle had affair after affair and just wanted to be free in the end. Im not sure I'd do it unless I was completely desperate.

NotActuallyAMum Fri 31-Oct-14 13:29:55

I wouldn't

Even if you did agree to this he could drag it out over something different if he wanted to

Divorce him for unreasonable behaviour

Nomama Fri 31-Oct-14 14:53:49


You are still letting hm run your relationship. Sod that for a game of soldiers.

Get to your solicitor, cite his adultery and get the ball rolling. Let him do what he will do. Just don't let him dictate who you are or how you will proceed.

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