About 25 years ago (I know..) I got caught up in a strange situation with a guy who at the time was seeing my best friend. At the time, we all had great fun as part of a group of friends. She went to do her Masters in something in Ireland for a year. One night her bf rings me up, says lets go for a drink. I said yeah. I didn't fancy him I didn't think he fancied me, but as mutual friends of a friend a drink was not out of the question. I got pissed missed the last train home he offered me his bed....I am too ashamed and embarrassed to detail the rest of it.
However, despite his guilt and shame and mine ( I should have just cut him off) he invited me out a few more times, I said yes. I at this point thought myself madly in love. He asked me to share his flat with him, there was a spare room, so it was me and him in this basement flat.
My friend was aware of all this. Nothing occurred between us physically ever agin after the first night. I didn't hope for it as I felt horrified at what I had done. Meantime I wandered around after him, adoring him, grateful for any attention. Then he began belittling me in front of his friends, sneering at me, laughing when I said anything. When my friend (his girlfriend) came for visits, he would leave the door open as they had sex. Any time I tried to leave, find another place to live, he would insist I stay. I had a nervous breakdown, lost my job and took an overdose only to realize the next day I was still alive. Nothing had changed.
Eventually my brother helped me to move out to a place a friend had found for me. My brother stood in the doorway of the other fellas room. I heard the guy gabbling away at my brother, trying to strick up a blokey conversation, but seeing as my brother is quite likely a barely contained psychopath, the conversation sort of died on its arse.
Even after I moved out, he kept ringing me. Came to my new place with my friend (I invited her but he turned up too). At her sisters wedding he sidled up to me and said "You not talking to me" to which I answered, "Yes"
I went through this with therapist yesterday, still can't stop feeling ashamed and horrible. I understand if you all think I am a twat. I was. perhaps I still am....that's what I wonder.
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Excavating previous stuff....
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lolaflores · 30/10/2014 14:23
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