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DH sent dirty text to someone else, how do I forgive?

(10 Posts)
Fordy1974 Thu 30-Oct-14 12:55:40

I found out my DH had been sending and getting dirty text from an old school friend. Only found out cause her DH threatened to tell all on FB. He says it was only a month and never wanted any thing more from it. He's in bits, I'm angry. I don't want my marriage to end. Need advice on how to get pass this. He says he doesn't know why it happened.

strawberryshoes Thu 30-Oct-14 13:05:00

You need some time to let it sink in before you decide what you want to do. You also need all the information.

If you decide, after being happy he has told you everything you want and need to know about the incident, that you still want to continue with the relationship, then I would recommend counselling. Something like Relate.

It is hard to forgive and impossible to forget, so you need to keep this in mind. He also needs to be genuine that nothing like this will happen again, and that he is honestly sorry it happened in the first place.

You need to regain trust, or it wont work.

I am really very sorry you have found yourself in this position, I hope you are not hurting too much.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 30-Oct-14 13:09:19

I think you getting past anything depends entirely on his ability to regain your trust, make amends and take responsibility for his poor behaviour. That's going to take honesty from him for a start.... 'I don't know why it happened' and 'it meant nothing' type excuses sound rather lame. Will probably require a long period of full openness over all communications, consistently trustworthy behaviour and so on. You may want to consider couples counselling.

Not something you can rush or gloss over

dreamingofblueskies Thu 30-Oct-14 13:54:21

Oh no, this has just happened to me in the past 3 months, on fb instead of texting though.
Here is a link to what I posted

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2148035-What-do-I-do

If you want to ask any questions then pm me or just ask on here.

Hugs and flowers. It's shit isn't it? X

Quitelikely Thu 30-Oct-14 14:03:04

IMO he's only sorry he got caught.

He's done it once and that's all you need to know.

IMO your relationship is not satisfying enough for him and so he looked elsewhere. That's how I would perceived this type of thing if it happened to me.
Unless you get to the bottom of whats wrong from his perspective then the risk will always be present.

Fairenuff Thu 30-Oct-14 14:04:52

Fordy you could have asked HQ to move your other thread here but as you've now made a new one, do you want to ask them to freeze your other one? It can get a bit confusing having two on the go.

Jan45 Thu 30-Oct-14 14:21:03

I'm afraid only time will tell and it will depend completely on how he is with you from now on - he needs to prove to you that he can be trusted as his actions say otherwise - sorry but you may never forgive him, I've been there and I never really felt like my partner at the time was 100% remorseful, plus once the seed has been sewn the doubt is always there, I couldn't get past it myself but I know lots of people do - tbh the fact he had looked elsewhere was enough for me to have to end it.

Mostlyjustaluker Thu 30-Oct-14 20:45:49

Your husband was involved in a sexual relationship with somebody else for over a month. Do you want to forgive him?

What is he going to about it?

PoundingTheStreets Thu 30-Oct-14 20:53:23

Forgiveness has to be earned if it is to mean anything. Part of earning it is owning the mistake - taking full responsibility for the pain its caused and for ensuring that it will never happen again.

"I don't know why it happened" should always be followed up by "but rest assured I am going to do my damndest to find out why and prevent if from happening again" (followed by actually doing just that).

IMO infidelity - whether online or actual - usually comes from someone's insecurities being soothed by the presence of someone new and exciting that flatters their ego. Work on the vulnerabilities exposed by that insecurity and you go a long way to affair-proofing your relationship.

Psycobabble Thu 30-Oct-14 20:58:50

Arghh you already seem like you have decided you are forgiving him?
You automatically believe him when he says nothing else would have happened .. Why? I'm guessing you wouldn't have expected him to be capable of this untill now .
Personally id tell him to fuk off and give me some space to think but maybe I'm a bit harsh .

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