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Past the point of no return?

(10 Posts)
spicewoman Thu 30-Oct-14 12:32:15

Hi there, long time lurker here needing some advice. I've been with DH for 13 years or so, I'm 45 and he is 40. I left my first husband for him, at the time I felt caught up in a whirlwind of 'true love' but I've been unhappy for a while. we have two children aged 5 and two but our sex life has been non existant for many years really. I lost all desire due to infertility and 'having' to have sex at certain times. I have come to realise that my husband is a bully and very emotionally manipulative but he is totally unaware of this and gets very hurt when I tell him he is. I tried to leave him and stay with first H when we were first together but I feel now he steamrollered me into leaving, although I obviously must take responsibility for that decision.

About three years ago we had psycho sexual counselling which was going well until quite far into the process I discovered DH had been exchanging explicit photos and messages with several woman from a 'married dating' site. I didn't feel the counsellor dealt well with the revelation and I lost all confidence in the process. by now though I was pregnant with DD2 so everything went on hold for a while.

Now Dd2 is 2 we have been making an effort to do more couply stuff but Dh is very impatient and critical about the smallest thing so I withdraw from a lot of discussions to avoid being shouted at. I found out in April that he had met someone from a swinging site and had sex with her twice. I decided to stay with him and work together, we had been getting on a bit better since then until last week I discovered he was still on the site and messaging multiple women although not meeting anyone.

i flipped, contacted a solicitor who suggested not saying anything to him until I'd done a conflict management session with them, which would give me some tools to use in the initial conversation. They would draft a letter and have it ready to send once I'd spoken to DH. I was clear i wanted him to leave and I have worked out that financially I could take over the mortgage and manage on my own in the short term.

Unfortunately DH found an email from the solicitor on my phone and confronted me. I told him I needed time to think but over the course of the night he kept waking me up, first shouting, then crying, then pleading.

He's not been great to be around since then but today he sent me a number of messages saying he would like to try again. I am having some individual counselling and have suggested he does the same as a preliminary to potentially going to couple counselling.

So my question is, in this situation, would you keep trying or give up: are we past the point of no return?

carlsonrichards Thu 30-Oct-14 12:35:25

He will keep cheating because that's what he does. He cheated with you, then he cheated on you. He shouts at you. He is critical of you. He wants to have his cake and eat it, too. This will only make you more miserable.

spicewoman Thu 30-Oct-14 12:53:28

thanks for your response, I fear you are right however I begin to doubt myself as I can be angry about things too. maybe it's me.

AMumInScotland Thu 30-Oct-14 13:01:53

Honestly? I think you've been past the point of no return pretty much from the start, and you've always known it.

He bullied you into leaving your first husband when you were srriously considering breaking off the affair and trying again at your marriage.

He has bullied you into sex - that's what you are hinting at, yes?

He is impatient, critical and (again) bullying when you try to pretend things are okay and be a couple.

He was unfaithful, and when you tried to give him another chance he did it again.

I don't think there is anything 'wrong' in you also being 'angry about things' - he's giving you a lot to be angry about. Anger is the normal sane response to being treated this way.

spicewoman Thu 30-Oct-14 13:06:47

no, he's never bullied me into sex, when I say 'having' to have sex I mean in terms of a timetable of fertile times etc. but everything else you say does chime with me, thank you.

CleanLinesSharpEdges Thu 30-Oct-14 13:12:59

Your relationship was built on a foundation of lies and deceit from the start and has continued in that vein. He cheats on you, you're checking each others phones, you obviously don't trust each other as far as you can spit. One of you needs to do the right thing and end the relationship and release you both from the misery.

spicewoman Thu 30-Oct-14 13:18:13

i think he does trust me, i'm not really sure what precipitated him looking on my phone as i've never known him to do that before. i don't check his phone and I thought i could trust him, that is the most hurtful thing. I only found these things out through open windows being left on our shared ipad.

AMumInScotland Thu 30-Oct-14 13:19:56

Ah, I've got you, the infertility set a timetable, not him!

It does sound like the relationship has run its course though - but if you feel you need to give it another try, then I think you need to be very clear both with him and with yourself about what would need to change for that to happen.

I don't think I could keep trying with someone who had been unfaithful more than once - once might be explainable, but someone who keeps doing it is unlikely to see a need to change.

The difficulty with setting any kinds of rules or ultimatums is that it might just make him more careful about being caught, rather than actually stopping the behaviour. I'm assuming in April you told him that his cheating was unacceptable and that he was on his last chance? If so, what would make him worth another one? He is good at saying he wants to try again, but if he couldn't manage to actually do it this time around, what reason is there to believe he means anything by it?

spicewoman Thu 30-Oct-14 13:20:01

and on the first occasion, through our mobile phone bill as there were literally hundreds of messages and picture messages. i had to ask why and he came clean.

spicewoman Thu 30-Oct-14 13:21:45

nail/head right there AMumInScotland.

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