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H said he wants to seperate

(10 Posts)
CalmAndConfused Thu 30-Oct-14 12:09:58


So today my H has said he wants to separate. We fundamentally can't agree on anything. We've been together 11 years, since I was 16. Neither of us have ever had another relationship.

I've been considering leaving myself, but I guess have always hoped we would magically wake up one day happy. Anyway, why am I now sat here crying and feeling sick, if I was contemplating it anyway?


CalmAndConfused Thu 30-Oct-14 12:22:25


HolgerDanske Thu 30-Oct-14 12:24:31

Awww it's horribly stressful when your whole world view has to change. There's a lot of shared history to get over, which is painful even if things have gone sour.

It'll be ok flowers

Vivacia Thu 30-Oct-14 12:29:35

Anyway, why am I now sat here crying and feeling sick, if I was contemplating it anyway?

Because that's almost half your lifetime! Even though it's the right decision, doesn't mean it might not be difficult and scary and heartbreaking.

ConstantAcceleration Thu 30-Oct-14 12:29:59

You're upset because it's a big change to the status quo and humans are designed to find that scary. It will be scary and upsetting for a while, but then you'll come out the other side and find your self confidence and strength are both deeper than you thought they could be.

You'll be working at waking up happy one day rather than just hoping it will happen by magic.

Take it from someone on the other side.

CalmAndConfused Thu 30-Oct-14 12:35:43

Thank you everyone. I know it's probably right, but I just want to hold onto the relationship like a life ring in the ocean sad

Vivacia Thu 30-Oct-14 12:37:52

Of course you do. But you'll find that after a bit of flailing around you'll start treading water and before you know it you'll be swimming strongly.

CalmAndConfused Thu 30-Oct-14 13:00:15

hat about the kids (4 years old and 5 months old) sad how the hell do we do this to them, it seems so unfair on them

ConstantAcceleration Thu 30-Oct-14 13:14:14

The best thing you can do for the kids is present a united front as far as possible, and keep things civil between you.
I've been surprised how well my kids have coped with my divorce. They needed some extra attention and TLC for a while but 2 years on are totally happy and not bothered by it all. ExH and I have a very good relationship as friends which we developed after we both moved on a bit.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 30-Oct-14 13:35:08

If you were thinking of leaving and he's called time then it sounds as though it's the right thing to do all round. If you work together, put the DCs first and remain amicable you can potentially turn a bad marriage into a good co-parenting relationship. You may even end up friends. Children are very adaptable

In the short-term, however, get friends and family around you for support and then get good legal advice.

Good luck

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