Unplanned pregnancy & failing marriage

[sh4rk]

Hiya. I'm new to this site and new to pregnancy so please be kind :) Two years ago my husband and I started trying for a baby. After a year of nothing happening we went to the doctors and started going down the route of fertility tests etc. But during this past year things started going a bit wrong. I have anxiety problems and decided this was not a good time to be having a baby, in fact I did a complete U-turn. I was also made redundant from work, so had no job for the first time in my life. Since then, more and more time I have spent feeling lonely and isolated, completely dependent on my husband for everything (and I am used to being career focused & independent). I have tried to fill the gaps by sometimes working voluntarily with a mutual friend of ours, something I really enjoy. It's nice to feel needed and useful again. Unfortunately over time I have developed feelings for him, like a teenage crush. Nothing has happened at all with this man. To be honest I have liked him for a long time, even before I was made redundant. However, I love my husband and decided I wanted to stop this, putting it down to my loneliness and anxiety, so I started to see a counsellor, but it has not worked. A few weeks ago I was at the point of being decisive, thinking about the future, considering taking a break from my relationship with my husband to see if I could decide what I wanted for once and for all. Unfortunately I have now discovered I'm pregnant, completely naturally, unplanned and unexpected. I feel wretched as I don't know what to do - all possible outcomes seem unbearable. My husband, who is a kind and caring man, has said he is supportive of whatever I decide. He knows we have relationship problems. I know he is over the moon about me being pregnant though. I've avoided facing up to this for now but it can't go on for ever. Any advice?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Sorry you're in such a dilemma. The whole TTC/baby business can tap into deep feelings about your partner and about your life in general IME. If there are any doubts or insecurities, I think they come bubbling to the surface.... hence the U-turn.

Scrolling back for a second. What was the relationship like two years ago? What were you like as person? Were things rock solid between you?

[sh4rk]

Two years ago we were pretty strong. We had just decided together the sort of future we wanted, so we made the big decision to move to a completely different place. It was fun working together to make things happen, make new friends, try new experiences. Shortly afterwards I started getting panic attacks and began losing my confidence, which made everything difficult and put a strain on our relationship. Husband was supportive (he'd seen it before) and looked after me, sent me off to counselling again.

More recently I've felt increasingly trapped in my relationship, feeling like I rely too much on him to make me feel safe, happy and not anxious. In a funny way he perpetuates my problems by 'allowing' me to behave like that, and this repels me. He looks after me, cooks, fixes things... I've nothing to complain about. Yet I feel mollycoddled. I also feel bored.

I know the grass isn't always greener, but the fact I'm having feelings for someone else is scaring me. And opening my eyes to the possibility that I'm unhappy and have been for a long time.

[Dowser]

Well I'm the last one to ask for advice on this as I'm all for a child being born unless there is no other alternative but to abort the baby ie health of mother/ health of baby.

In the situation I found myself in, not good health with other children who were very young the last thing I needed was a baby. Nobody wanted me to keep it. Parents, friends, husband.
The obstetrician even turned up at my door offering me an abortion !

Things were really difficult . I didn't sleep for a week. I just kept thinking of this little morsel inside me clinging to its life and believe me before I had my children I was never motherly but once they were born I loved them with a passion that really surprised me.

I kept imagining a future where I never stopped grieving for the child I had allowed to be removed from me. I could see it aged about 5 with long blonde hair, sweet face, pretty dresses. Yes, I had even determined its sex and there was no way no matter how difficult having this child was going to make my life was I giving her up.

So, 9 months later he was born with some disabilities which involved lots of operations and hospitals but I loved him so much and so did my husband.

He has given me two gorgeous grandchildren one of which I am so close too as he was here when I went through the awful time of marriage breakdown etc

Everyone loves my son. He's an absolute star. He's a great dad like his dad was. He's full of fun and a great sense of humour.

It was very tough . I won't deny that but naturally I haveno regrets.

[Bogeyface]

Be careful that you are not following "The Script".

The Script is what is often trotted out when a marriage is failing due to one of the partners looking elsewhere. Often on MN a wife will say "My husband is leaving me, he says he has been unhappy for years but I didnt see that he was, he seemed happy to me". In fact he was happy but he needed to justify his feelings for someone else so invented a fictitious unhappiness that allows him to look elsewhere. Are you trying to justify your crush by saying you were unhappy when in fact you werent? Is you "work out what I want" code for "I can see if it works out with the friend but without actually cheating" and then if it doesnt you can go back to your husband?

Think about what you are saying versus what you actually mean.

You have had a horrible time lately and instead of accepting that shit things happen and dealing with it, are you subconciously blaming your husband and thinking that if you leave him then you will be happy again? Because you wont, you will take the problems with you and they will be compounded by the fact that you no longer have his love and support.

Imagine how you would feel if he came home from work today and told you that he has feelings for another woman and was leaving to work out what he wants. Do you want that? Would you be happy that he was leaving or would you be devastated?

[sh4rk]

Thanks for your replies so far. Bogeyface, you do make some good points. Before the pregnancy I always felt like running away would solve my problems and suddenly I'd be 'happy' again, but of course I wouldn't. I recognise that I am a needy and insecure person and sometimes just wish I could have some space to prove to myself I can do it, that I don't need my husband. Surprisingly, not just to run off into the arms of my crush! I don't want to have a relationship with him, that'd be a disaster, really I'd rather we just stayed friends. But I do feel attracted to him, which is making me consider things like what is missing from my relationship with my husband and what can be done about it.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

There may be nothing missing from you relationship. Everyone's capable of having crushes whether they are in a happy relationship or not. What's more significant is that you felt like running away before the pregnancy. If things aren't going well, pin down what is the problem exactly and tackle that specifically.