Here goes my first time separation/divorce..please help with the 1st steps

[emma16]

I'm not going to post the long story as to how i've arrived at this point, but i have :(
Some facts to help with some answers from helpful people are; I'm 31, work 16 hours a week but upping that to 30 hours. Have 2 DC (DS 11 DD6), Income including wage, child/working tax, CB, CM will be around £2363 a month.
I want to try & buy now EXDH (is that how you do it??) out of our house, worth around £102k & we owe £55k. Trouble is my name isn't on the mortgage. He had it prior to meeting me & its just not something we got sorted as it meant paying a fee & tbh we thought it would never be an issue..it might still not be.

EXDH has said he is more than happy to give me the house & walk away with nothing as I'm going to be the main carer for the kids & on a low wage. However to do this he would like his pension left alone. If retiring today in these terms it would be around £23k a year that he will get.
I have practically nothing in my pot, about £2500 up until 2007 as i left work then to have our DD & only went back into employment 5 months ago. I was a SAHM in that time period supporting hubby at work & kids etc.
I have started a new one up & putting 5% a month in of my take home so based on new hours it will amount to £650 a year...bugger all really but not much i can about that right now.

What do people think about this? I did initially think if i could get a mortgage for £75k then i could give him £20k towards a deposit on a new house as even after all that's happened & the fact he's leaving me because he cannot continue to deal with DS who has Aspergers/ADHD (his step DS) i can't see him walk away with nothing at 38.
We really want to remain friends as we still love & care for each other, just both acceptant of the fact that living as a family of 4 isn't going to work any longer for us.

He earns £68k a year, annual bonus of around £4k, not long started up in a share scheme with his work where £200 a month goes into, around £400 a month into his pension etc so I know he's going to be wayyyyy better off than me in the long run.

I'm seeing our mortgage adviser today (is it really 2am) who will hopefully be able to point us in the right direction with all the correct advice, she's a personal friend to us both so we trust her completely.

If i can't get a mortgage/take it over, how easy is it to claim for housing benefit? Can anyone just apply for it to cover rent? It wouldn't be a long term thing, just 2 years until the mortgage cover ended on this house & we could probably sort it better then. I've read to get housing benefit you need to have been kicked out???

I don't really want to move the kids out of their home, esp with DS with his Aspergers, change doesn't go down well :((

I've been surviving on 3 hours sleep a night for the past 2 weeks...the ever helpful doc's can't get me in until next friday. What i want them to do i don't know, help me i suppose. I'm going to ask for counselling though is i know im going to need it...not just for this process of what im dealing with but past issues to which still affect me today..i think this would be a good idea.

[Graciescotland]

Some things to consider are how long were you together/ married as I think it'd only be the proportion of his pension he accumulated whilst you were together. You can claim housing benefit without being kicked out but not on a property you own.

You'd be entitled to maintenance which would be over 10K per annum on his current salary. I really wouldn't be overly distressed about him leaving without anything he makes good money and will easily be able to rent somewhere. He's obviously looking at the long game with regards to his pension/ the property. Perfectly possible to agree to add your name to mortgage, I'd have a solicitor write any agreement as to what happens to the property long term.

[emma16]

We were together 8 years & married for just over 2 years. Our DD is 6.
I know to claim housing benefit it would mean myself & the kids would have to move out, hopefully it won't come to that as we both want to retain as much stability for them as possible.
He said child maintenance of £400 per month which i think is reasonable considering we are pretty much going to share the care of DD. Obviously she would spend a larger amount of her time with me but he works shifts so when he's off he would want her at his house as much as possible.
We don't want to involved solicitors unless it's just to write agreements up like you said, but thank you for your response it does help.

[Graciescotland]

Would 400 quid cover the mortgage payment? I'm assuming at 55K it's not a massive amount. How much cash do you think he's stuck in his pension during the time you were married? I'm surprised that your thinking of moving out tbh it wouldn't be unusual for your ex to pay mortgage till youngest is 18 and then for house to be sold with a predetermined split of equity.

I'd also be wary of setting up agreements based on the idea of him working shifts and having shared care when it's convenient for him. You're setting yourself up to be a very cheap form of childcare. Also it's going to make the relationship very hard to move on from.

Whilst you want to be reasonable but it might be worth writing down all the numbers and going to a solicitors for a free half hour consultation. It might give you a realistic idea of what to expect if you were to argue it out which would be a good starting point for negotiations. Go to CSA calculator to figure out maintenance based on what you think shared care ratio will be.

I mean this in a nice way as I don't know you or your ex but is it possible that you feeling threatened with homelessness will make his suggestions seem terribly reasonable. You need to think objectively about the situation, you owe it to your children to ensure that they have a safe and secure future with you and in order to do that you should insist on equitable division of marital assets. If this was your sister or friend you'd be telling them to get some legal advice and I reckon you should do the same.

[emma16]

The aspect of how and when he has DD isnt a concern of mine, he's worked 12hr day & night shifts all his working life and im used to them after 8 years. DD would stay at home with me when he's on shift, then when he's off she would go & stay with him. He works a fixed yearly rota so its easy to plan ahead with half terms etc. Her going there on his days off is no different to a split couple who work mon-fri and do the every other weekend thing in my mind.
£400 a month would cover the mortgage, im only 31 and planning on putting it over a longer term in the first instance whilst i get settled with a new budget etc. I wouldnt expect him to pay the mortgage on this place now, plus CM, plus rent/bills for where he goes, he'd habe nothing to live on.
Our mortgage at the mo is £579 a month as we dropped the term to 8years a bit back.
I dont feel threatened with homelessness, if it worked out financially better for me to move and rent until the term on our exising mortgage ended and it could be more easily sorted, then id be ok with that.
Im hesitant in going to a solicitor as i dont want to start arguing and negotiations, at the end of the day they want money out of me and i dont have that money anyway.
I think for him to just sign the house over to me is a fair offer, its not a huge amount owed so im taking any massive financial risk.
I had a look on CSA calculator thanks Graciescotland, it came out at £100 per week so not far off what he said..that was based on her staying with him the min amount a week i think of one night a weel is it? Which in reality is going to be minimal as realistically it'd probably be 2 nights, maybe 3 as and when he's off shift and what she wants to do.
Thankyou very much for your help

[WildBillfemale]

Solicitor!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

See a solicitor. If you talk to a solicitor, they will be able to give you guidance on what would be a fair settlement. This is all new to you but they've done it hundreds of times before. Having good information doesn't mean you're going to end up arguing. It could save you a lot of time and prevent you from agreeing to something that you later regret. So each get some professional advice and then mediate the details between you privately. As for the money, when you're talking about substantial items like property and pensions, a few hundred spent on a lawyer is a good investment.

[ballsballsballs]

Get a form HR1 from the Land Registry website. It's free and you can register your legal interest in the house as you are married. I did the same and am now on the deeds of my husband's house which he bought before he left me.

I'd second what has been said above about getting legal advice.

[HargridsHut]

Definitely go see a solictor. You could very easily live to regret trusting the man you are divorcing.

[Diagonally]

You must see a solicitor of course but I hope by now you have found out you should be able to take over the mortgage - I have an 85k repayment mortgage on income less than yours, so you should be fine!