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I'm in such a quandary

(16 Posts)
StirredNotShaken Wed 29-Oct-14 12:15:18

Met an amazing man and we have been seeing each other for 7 mths. He is the most balanced person I know, not possessive, lets me lead my life freely and I do the same for him. He is supportive and kind even though he is struggling financially atm. The sex is good and we have fun together. But for me the spark is just not there. It was initially but we are so different in so many ways and it shows for me more and more. I don't know whether or not to call time on it as he is, as he has said, in love with me, but I don't feel the same way. I'm not being shallow or unfair and when we are together we have a lot of fun but I am beginning to find him less attractive as we go on.

JeanSeberg Wed 29-Oct-14 12:57:11

To be fair to him (and you), call it a day. It sounds like it was nice while it was lasted but time to move on now.

StirredNotShaken Wed 29-Oct-14 13:08:15

Yes, you're very probably right and I am thinking that is best but I have no valid reason iyswim! He takes nothing from me nor me him such shame I cannot find it within me to see beyond physical appearances or the initial spark. How the heck do you split up these days? via text, phone, in person? I'm so out of touch.

JeanSeberg Wed 29-Oct-14 13:10:18

The least you can do is tell him in person! Meet on neutral territory, keep it short and to the point.

BitOutOfPractice Wed 29-Oct-14 13:37:45

You don't need a reson other than "I don't want to see you any more"

I think you should do it face to face after seven months

Good luck!

Pandora37 Wed 29-Oct-14 13:44:44

But you do have a valid reason - you don't love him. You maybe don't have to say it quite so bluntly, but I do think it's important that you give him a reason otherwise he'll be wondering what on earth he's done wrong. Just say something along the lines of whilst you've had a great time with him, you feel you're too different for it to work long term and unfortunately you don't feel the same way as he does. And definitely do it in person.

TeaForTara Wed 29-Oct-14 17:58:49

If you feel like this now, you're not going to wake up one day and find you're suddenly deeply in love with him. You're being very unfair to him if you keep letting him think there's nothing wrong. I'm afraid you need to have a cringeworthy "It's not you, it's me" conversation.

Dowser Wed 29-Oct-14 19:15:40


I'm an old romantic!

StirredNotShaken Wed 29-Oct-14 22:23:59

Thankyou all, yes I will definitely tell him in person. Funny thing is, we had a long telephone conversation this evening and I felt completely different about him. He is such a good man with so many amazing qualities, I think part of the problem is that we live so far apart and lead such different lives that sometimes our differences sort of scare me. We do have something good going together but he is not my usual 'type' and I struggle with that a bit.

QuintsTombWithAWiew Wed 29-Oct-14 22:27:19

Why are you not with "your usual type"?

How has the relationships with your "usual type" ended? Why?

StirredNotShaken Wed 29-Oct-14 22:46:37

I have an entertainments background, so my previous partners were all in the ents industry including my late husband of 18 years (who was also a controlling alcoholic with mental health issues). Aside from my dearly departed, I know and understand artistic people and love their fire and passion. My new partner is nothing like that, he is a hardworking man and keen sportsman with an army of fantastic friends, well respected and decent. All relationships have been long standing and exciting I guess. I think I am being unfair but I cannot help it.

QuintsTombWithAWiew Wed 29-Oct-14 22:53:43

But why did they end?
Maybe your new boyfriend is as passionate for sports as your exes were for artistic stuff?

BOFster Wed 29-Oct-14 23:08:16

If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it though. Nobody can rationalise you into it.

RandomMess Wed 29-Oct-14 23:12:30

Depends if your chemistry is usually with people who are good for you or bad for you!

My chemsitry is for men who "need" me and have depressive tendencies and issues. They are soooooooooo bad for me...

I think it may take much longer to fall for someone who isn't your usual type but it can and does happen!

TeaForTara Thu 30-Oct-14 13:13:47

Your subsequent posts have changed my opinion a bit. Irrespective of how you feel when you are apart, how do you feel when you are together? When you are meeting up and you first catch sight of him, do you smile? Is what you feel more of a "it'll never work, but it's fun right now, but I don't think there's a long-term future so I'd better end it." In which case, stick with it. I felt like that about my DP, who also used the L word far too soon for my comfort - it's nice enough for now, but it'll never last, we're too different. Several years down the line and we're still together, and now I do think we're going to last.

Or is it rather that after spending time (e.g. a weekend) together, do you always think "I can't wait to go home so I can relax and just be me." In which case, yes, end it now.

StirredNotShaken Wed 05-Nov-14 14:09:10

TeaForTarawhen I see him I am always happy, i look forward to us meeting, we get along so well and always have fun. I am going to stick with him as he is really very good for me, I guess it is just so vastly different from previous relationships that I am expecting fireworks and there are none. We are well suited and each others' equal in so many ways. I think I am just unsettled because it feels so settled iyswim! Thank you all though for your input :-)

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