Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

BF won't have sex with me.... Getting me down

(36 Posts)
Anyone1234 Tue 28-Oct-14 14:44:56

I got pregnant unplanned and to start with BF didn't want the baby! After he came round to the idea he was really excited but from the day I got pregnant the sex totally stopped! He said it just didn't feel right knowing his baby was in there!

It wasn't just sex pretty much any intimacy including kissing and cuddling stopped as well, he doesn't find any part of pregnancy attractive!

So know the baby is here I'm 100% back to my pre pregnancy size and shape and I'm more than ready to have sex again and for the past 3 weeks have been hoping to but every time he just says he is to tired etc!

It kinda came to a head last week and I got upset and asked him if it's me he is just not attracted to and he assured me it wasn't so last night he planned a nice quite evening for us and cooked!

Before dinner we started kissing and a little foreplay begun but he didn't get hard and after only about 2 mins said the baby (who was sleeping) was looking at him and it wasn't right, so said don't worry we will have dinner first!

So evening goes on and we just sit on the sofa and I get the vibe that sex is bid off the cards! So cons midnight we go off to bed!

When we get into bed he says "oh I came over all tired after dinner sorry about that" again I get upset and ask him what's really going on, as it's now been a year we haven't had sex for and again I get upset and cry and he promises me it's him just being lazy, and that he loves me and finds me attractive and he is not interested in anyone else but the pressure is getting to him!

So anyone got any ideas what's really going on! I told him when I was pregnant that the lack of intimacy was going to be rally hard to get back after baby came and he assured me wouldn't but he just appears to have no sexual interest in me at all!

CheersMedea Tue 28-Oct-14 15:17:57

I know this will sound trivial but isn't intended to be: Do you think he may have a whore/Madonna complex?

& now you have had a baby he sees you only in the role of the Madonna mother and has a mental block seeing you as a sexual being

It was this bit that made me think this could be possible:

said the baby (who was sleeping) was looking at him and it wasn't right

Anyone1234 Tue 28-Oct-14 15:30:05


I don't know maybe! But if that's the case how do we overcome that?

Vivacia Tue 28-Oct-14 15:36:02

Perhaps he associates sex with getting you pregnant, and that's something he wants to avoid?

Vivacia Tue 28-Oct-14 15:36:21

Either way, I think you (pl) need to talk to a professional.

TheHermitCrab Tue 28-Oct-14 15:36:56

I was going to suggest the same thing as CheersMedea..

Doesn't sound like he is a bad guy or that there is anything suspicious going on, but doesn't seem to be able to separate the you (that is still you and wants sex..etc) with the you that is a mother...

thisisnow Tue 28-Oct-14 15:38:52

I don't think I could get down to it with a baby lying there, even if he/she was asleep.

Anyone1234 Tue 28-Oct-14 15:44:35

It doesn't matter where we are, even if I snuggle up in bed he still brushes me off!

I'm just totally at a lost where to go with this as talking to him really gives not answers

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 28-Oct-14 16:09:20

I think he may be frightened about another unplanned pregnancy. Have you got proper contraception organized?

CheersMedea Tue 28-Oct-14 16:11:58

I agree with Vivacia that he probably needs to seek some professional help to get to the bottom of the issue.

guitarosauras Tue 28-Oct-14 16:13:21

Would he accept help?

NeedABumChangeNotANameChange Tue 28-Oct-14 16:22:28

He might be feeling a lot of pressure to perform after such a long time and be to worried? Could you ease back into it? A week with lots of cuddles and touching, then move on to kisses etc. All when it's obvious it's not going to lead to sex.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill Tue 28-Oct-14 16:30:34

How about taking the pressure off, and say you won't have penetrative sex for a while? Obviously he had an issue whilst you were pregnant, and it may just be a hangover from that. If you haven't had sex for a while he may be worried about 'performance issues' which is always going to be a passion killer. So taking the pressure off might be a start.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Tue 28-Oct-14 18:06:27

Some people aren't very sexual and basically look for excuses not to do it. What was your sex life like before kids?

RayaCarmen Tue 28-Oct-14 18:12:55

This is really normal. Just google it and you will see for yourself.

Do you think he could be suffering from a minor pnd?

Anomaly Tue 28-Oct-14 18:23:37

How long were you together before the pregnancy? What was your sex life like before? You say he didn't want the baby did he never want kids or was it just the wrong time?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Tue 28-Oct-14 18:26:34

Pnd? Fuck that. He's not had sex or even given her any intimacy all through her pregnancy. And men don't get pnd.

ArabellaTarantella Tue 28-Oct-14 18:49:22

He clearly didn't want the baby, as you said, and you say he came round. Doesn't sound like it to me. He's obviously making sure you don't get pregnant again.

Anyone1234 Tue 28-Oct-14 19:29:33

Together 3 years before the pregnancy! Sex life was brilliant first two years but did slow down in the 3rd year. Which is normal I guess, we're still having it regularly just not all the time!

We both have children from previous relationships and both thought we were done! He does adore the baby

Drumdrum60 Wed 29-Oct-14 01:53:12

Why are some men like this? Makes me think of Elvis? My friend told me ages ago that they had not had sex for ten years after the birth of dc. Long story short he was a porn and prostitute user and said it was her fault because she was fat? Not saying this is what is happening to you but some men do have a weird attitude and this needs nipping in the bud.

badbaldingballerina123 Wed 29-Oct-14 02:09:34


lostincumbria Wed 29-Oct-14 10:51:20

Dear me, amazing how quickly a thread gets sidelined into porn/sex workers.

Let's try taking Anyone and her bf at face value. Take a step back and take sex off the table for a few weeks. Try kissing and non-sexual touching for a week - just arms, shoulders , neck etc. Lower your expectations of him getting an erection, wanting to follow through. Enjoy the intimacy.

After a week, introduce sexual touching but without intercourse or orgasms. Keep it up (!) for as long as you can.

There's a good chance that after a few weeks of this, things will be reset and you'll both be raring to go again.

Good luck.

Dirtybadger Wed 29-Oct-14 10:55:32

Cumbrias idea (similiar to whatsthatcomingoverthehill) sounds like the sensible place to start. If he has issues with simply being touched, or touching you, without sex even being on the cards....then you have a problem.

Mrwillywonkasbitch Wed 29-Oct-14 11:00:21

Depression that's my DPs excuse

lastlostmonkey Wed 29-Oct-14 20:22:47

Is he uncomfortable because the baby sleeps in the room with you? Can the baby sleep in another room? I think you need to talk, talk, talk and take it slowly, don't expect to get back to what you had before straight away. Can you just start with kissing and cuddling and see if you can go on from there gradually? Sounds like he maybe feels pressured, and maybe some other issues as well. I posted about the same situation earlier this year and things have improved a lot. That was after years of v little sex, so I think it is possible to sort things out. Hope it improves for you, OP, it's a lonely place to be in.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: