why does he act so cruelly :(

[kelell17]

hi ladies I'm new on here but any advice or just nice people to talk to would be greatly appreciated :)
ive been with my boyfriend for a yr or so now and things were very up and down for a long while due to constant stress his ex/mother of his child causes him but the past couple of months I really felt like we had come out the other side a bit and id become of some importance to him for more than just listening for hours to his problems....anyway recently ive been quite ill and in and out of docs/hospital for tests and scans and he hasnt been supportive at all....I do get the occasional sorry ur poorly babe hope u feel better soon but quickly gets very impatient if I get upset or am worrying and gets annoyed with me/tells me to chill out/ ignores calls and messages etc..
I know everyones going to say dump him but I just wondered why he acts like this....dont get me wrong when I'm all happy clappy things are fine between us and we have such a laugh but its like the only emotion I'm allowed to have without annoying him is bouncing off the walls happiness which isnt practical 100% of the time especially when I'm really worried what's wrong with my health....I wish he would just show he cared :( maybe my stress is too much on top of his own n thats y he only wants to talk if I'm chirpy...or listening to him moan....I dont really want to break up with him and have tried to tell him how this makes me feel many times but that just makes him annoyed n I get the obligatory "chill out ffs" or can we not talk about this I dont wanna argue....
any other ideas greatly appreciated as sick of going to bed worrying or upset about this
thanks in advance :)

[emmalouise1091]

It's simple really. He acts like this because he doesn't care about you. If someone does truly care they would make the effort. Actions count, not words! You said you have told him how you feel, yet still no change.

You don't want to leave him...I get that. You have only been with him a year or so. Imagine your life in 5 years. Is this really what you want? You will be kidding yourself if you think things will get better. Sorry if it sounds harsh I just wish someone had said this to me when I was stuck in an unhappy relationship.

Best of luck!

[OldLadyKnowsBeelzebub]

I'm sorry, kelell, but I have nothing much to say other than dump him. Why does he act like this? Because he thinks he is more important than you, more important than the mother of his child, and more important than said child. His interests are all he's bothered about; you don't count.

But you do matter, you, your feelings, and your fears about your health are all valid things for you to talk about. He's closing you down because he can't be arsed and he doesn't really give a shit.

I have no idea how old you are, but whether you are 17 or 77, you can do waaaaaaaay better than that.

[kelell17]

I know what u mean I was just really happy that things seemed to be going much better the past couple of months ...we are even going away for a weekend soon which weve never done...his idea...I don't know why me getting upset makes him so annoyed?? he just seems very emotionally selfish as I sit for literally hrs on the phone listening to his problems....i was really upset on the phone tonight as In alot of pain and worried and he went Ill talk to u tomorrow I cant deal with this tonight I'm tired n put down phone :(

[OldLadyKnowsBeelzebub]

Kelell, I can only repeat myself, and emmalouise. He doesn't care about you at all.

You've been together for a year or so, and it's been "up and down"; this should be your "honeymoon period", when you're both on your best behaviour and madly in love. But that's not how it is, is it?

It's "got better lately" because you've learned how to tread carefully round him, to listen to his whinges for hours (and bitching about his ex is Not A Good Sign, it's what's called a "red flag") while not asking for any support back.

The minute you do ask for, or need, support, he ends the phone call/closes the conversation.

Come on, you deserve better than that!

[Dirtybadger]

As above. A year in you should both still be totally love struck not "up and down". Does not bode well, at all. And as someone else said, honestly, it sounds like he's using you and basically doesn't really care. Unfortunately.
You don't tell someone to "chill out" when they're upset. You just don't. He's a prick.

[kelell17]

ive never thought about it like that....its got better because ive learnt how not to upset him but maybe your right! I am constantly worrying what have I said wrong now when he doesnt answer the phone etc...but then I am a worrier big time! I went away for a bit a couple of months ago n things got better as soon as I was back ( while I was away I was considering leaving altho he didmt know this ) but as I say I got back n things had changed dramatically...I thought he had missed me n realised he had acted badly but obv not as the lack of compassion has crept back in again :(

[Walkacrossthesand]

I would have been sooo tempted, next time he rings for a whinge, to say briskly (preferably using his exact words) 'I'll talk to you tomorrow, can't deal with this today, I'm tired' and put the phone down - but maybe that's because I wouldnt want the relationship to continue on these terms, and that would be a way of starting to end it - withdrawing support because I received none. You won't change him.

[Glastokitty]

This man doesn't give a shit about you. You need to get rid, a good relationship is not like this at all.

[OldLadyKnowsBeelzebub]

I rather like walkacross's attitude; give him back what he's given you. And totally agree that he won't change, not for real.

But I suspect you're not ready for that quite yet? Maybe another few weeks, with MN support.

How much do you think he worries about how he's upset you, when he tells you to "chill out" over your very real health fears? Do you think he's losing sleep, posting on anonymous forums in the small hours? Or is he snoring in bed, all cosy and unaware?

It's not unusual for men of his type to make nice when he thinks he's losing you; who else would listen to his endless, self-centred moaning?

[emmalouise1091]

Oldladyknows is right. A few weeks ago I had a terrible break up and I was an emotional wreck. I'm so grateful I found mumsnet. I've been lurking in the relationship and pregnancy sections and it has honestly changed my whole perspective on life.

Some of the women on here are inspirational. Hang around and I'm sure you will find the strength you need!!

[OldLadyKnowsBeelzebub]

Emmalouise, you're exactly the person kelell needs! I have no idea about your backstory, but this is truly MN at it's best; paying back the support you've found, passing on the wisdom of experience. Thank you.

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

This man will never be there for you. You deserve better than always having to be on your best behaviour. Life just isn't like that, and when you hot a really big bump in the road you will be on your own.

Only together a year and two months out at that ?

This should be the honeymoon period, not you worrying where it all went wrong..

Move on, love

[Joysmum]

It's like this after only a year? Doesn't sound like there's been much happy time, even in that short length of time.

One year in and you should still be going through the honeymoon period of being eager to please and at it like rabbits! If it's this bad now...

[FolkGirl]

Agree with everyone else. He doesn't 'care' about you. He probably fancies you, quite likes having you around and enjoys all the benefits that that brings, but you're not in his heart. He doesn't care about you, or love you.

And yes, I also agree that it's been better for the past couple of months because you've learnt how to be around him now. But it isn't real or genuine, is it? Because when you need him, he isn't there for you.

Just because you've stuck at it for a year, doesn't mean you have to stick at it any longer.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Some people are givers, others are users. This guy is a user. Fine when it's all about him and he's dumping on others. No interest in reciprocating the courtesy to other people. Selfish.

Let him go tell his sob story to someone else.

[kelell17]

morning ladies.... just read these responses...really helps just to have someone to talk it thru with :) really isolated atm n think he knows that n hate feeling like I "need" him if that makes sense....
going to take my kids out for the day and try not to be upset by the fact he prob wont bother calling or messaging even to check I'm ok even tho I was crying in pain when he put down the phone last night
I really don't get some people :( x

[patronisingbitchinthewardrobe]

ditch him.
he doesn't care about you.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

its got better because ive learnt how not to upset him

Yeah. That's not a great way to live, is it? If he doesn't like you warts and all, then what's the point?

If your partner doesn't make your life wonderful or enhance it, then why bother?

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

When someone tells you who they are listen. Best piece of advice ever.

So your newish boyfriend, in your own words is

acts cruelly
is impatient with you
gets annoyed with you unless you're behaving exactly as he wants
ignores you
Won't engage in discussions about his behaviour
seems emotionally selfish
Puts the phone down on you when you need support
Pulls himself up (briefly) after you go away for a while - so is absolutely in control of his actions, if he wasn't he wouldn't have changed while you were away
puts the phone down on you when you're crying with pain and then won't call you back the next day.

That's 9 things, from four posts.

I'd respectfully suggest, unless you can come up with 27 good points (3 for each bad point!) you should dump his sorry arse.

[Aussiemum78]

By the way, when he complains about his ex for hours expecting you to listen, what is he saying?

He's the victim, he's not at fault, she's a bitch, if it wasn't for her demands everything would be fine?
What do you think her side is? Is he a good father?

This man will never have a true reciprocal relationship, he is all one way.

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

You will be the next ex he bitches and complains about

After all the support you have given him...how will that make you feel ?

Always treat a man who slags his exes off with wariness and disdain

He'll do it to you too

[Aussiemum78]

Oh and another thing. In the first year you are seeing the best of the relationship. It will never get better. It will probably get worse.

Don't settle.

[QuintessentiallyGhoulish]

In an ideal world it should be getting better because he appreciated you, was there for you, and gave as much in the relationship as you do, but in reality it is better because you have learn to expect less, demand less, and walk on eggshells so as not to upset him.

Is this really the type of relationship you want?

I agree you should do as he does, and next time he rings to moan about his problems, do as he does, and hang up on him.

You ask why he act so cruelly? The answer is simple, because he is cruel. He is selfish. He is without compassion and he lacks empathy. Is he really that attractive? Is he really a nice person? He should be nice also when you are down, and not just suck the chirpyness out of you!

[Cantbelievethisishappening]

Do you really need someone else to tell you what the deal is here?
He sounds absolutely dreadful

[Bogeyface]

I wonder if the reason he hates his ex is because she expects him to actually put his child first. I suspect that when she was suffering morning sickness or in labour he wasnt particularly supportive and then when the baby was born ..... well lets just say "chill out FFS" doesnt really work on babies does it?!

Its all got to be about him and the second it isnt he throws a tantrum. Forgiveable in a 2 year old, pathetic in a grown man.

Turn this one loose, but if you ever get the chance, tatoo "THIS MAN IS A PATHETIC NEEDY USER" on his forehead to warn other women!