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Was he out of order or am I being over sensitive?

(24 Posts)
dm86 Sun 26-Oct-14 22:46:00

Hi all

I have been with my husband for 11years.2dcs and one on the way.

DH has never been the easiest man to live with but we've always got by. I often think though that we bring out the worse in each other and when I read about other people's relationships and how they bring out the best of each other I often wonder if we're 'normal'.

At the start he was very jealous and possessive and nasty towards me but after our first was born I told him he had to change or we were over. Things got abit better and have been ok since then.

He always seem to go back to being mean with me when I'm pregnant. I'm not sure why whether he thinks coz I'm pregnant I won't leave him Im not sure.

About 10months ago I really wasn't happy and told him I didn't love him like I did. He agreed to try and to go to counseling (we went to one session and he said we didn't need it!) We agreed to close some of our business as this come between us a lot and I went back to work instead.

Anyway to get to the point! Things haven't been much better for a few months and today I was cleaning cupboards out and sorting the loft. I twined at him for lying on the bed instead of helping me. He come out to help with attitude and asked what I wanted took downstairs and proceeded to tell me I'm a fat cow 😔 and then a stupid bitch.

I'm maybe being over sensitive Im not sure as I have put weight on since my son was born.I cried my heart out and later he told me he was only joking and didn't mean it. But it really hurt 😥 I told him he shouldn't speak to someone he's meant to love like that and to fuck off if he's not happy.

I'm just confused right now. We've been together since I was 16 and I've never known anything but him and I do love him but at the same time he doesn't make me happy iyswim? Any advice would be good!

fusspot66 Sun 26-Oct-14 22:49:55

He does not sound nice.

LuluJakey1 Sun 26-Oct-14 22:53:18

Not a nice man. Wants his bollocks chopped off!

LuluJakey1 Sun 26-Oct-14 22:55:39

Sorry, that sounded flippant. How can you love someone who treats you like that and who you are unhappy with? He does it because you let him. Make him change, make him leave or put up with it. They are your 3 choices.
You don't deserve to be treated like that- you really don't.

thenightsky Sun 26-Oct-14 22:56:47

Don't be my mate, still living with her bastard DH aged 60 and hating him sad

tipsytrifle Sun 26-Oct-14 23:05:01

When you've been with someone from "the start" it's difficult to imagine anything or anyone beyond them. He is your Known world in every way. And in those tender, still formative years, it is unthinkable that the relationship might be wrong. Unthinkable that people are still changing in their teens, that the learning and growing curve is huge. But all that is true.

This man that he is now doesn't really sound very nice at all. Life is about the pursuit and creation of happiness. Not negativity.

YvetteChauvire Sun 26-Oct-14 23:53:44

Oh God, this always makes me a little sad. I cannot even imagine why you would want to be with this man. I don't know anyone who genuinely loves their partner who would say the things your husband says to you. Men who like and love their partners just don't abuse them in them way.

I think a very important element in any relationship is that the couple like each other. He doesn't seem to like you.

I am sorry, but do you see this getting any better?

YvetteChauvire Sun 26-Oct-14 23:58:49

Sorry posted too soon.

I meant to add that I do not believe a man with such massive character flaws can change, indeed I think their behaviour gets worse with time. Why put yourself through that. Life is hard enough, make it a bit easier by being with someone who likes you, loves you and makes you feel cherished. I doubt it is ever going to be this man.

dm86 Thu 30-Oct-14 07:32:54

Hi all,

Thank you for your replies. I've had a hectic few days with work so haven't been able to reply.

It's so hard as one minute we're at each throats and he's being a complete dick and being really nasty and the next he's being ok and everythings fine. Do I like him anymore? I don't think I do but as tipsy said I've been with him from the 'start' and it is hard to imagine not being with him whether the relationship is right or not.

I don't want to be divorced at 28 :-( I'm worried about the house and if I could afford the mortgage or not. I worry about the fact I'm 26 weeks pregnant and going through that on my own as I don't think he would be much support as he can be quite childish.

He is so negative about life and the way he talks to us all sometimes is not on. I'm a positive happy person but he makes me into a stressful miserable person. But when he's being ok we get along really well.

He doesn't like me going out with friends and if it was up to him we would live in each other's pockets. I want to be a person who can have lots of friends and their other halfs round or go out for meals etc but I don't feel I can as he makes it awkward and uncomfortable. My few friends I have admit he makes them feel uncomfortable. Last year we had a bbq and he went to bed early in mood as he said I was flirting with my friends husband. I've not bothered arranging a bbq since as it's just awkward.

I read back on what I write and if it was someone else I know what I would be saying to them. I'm scared though of being on my own with 3 children, money, I have no family support as my family are over 2 hours away. I have my MIL and BIL and my best friend who would help with the kids. But otherwise no one. Plus who is going to look after 3 kids for me? I don't think he will be much help to be honest if we weren't together. But then he never really has the kids on his own anyway and apart from when I'm at work the kids are always with me so would live really be any different? Could I cope with a new born, 3yr and 6yr old completely on my own?

I sometimes wish he would cheat on me so I would have an excuse to go as the way things are at the minute I don't know if I have enough reason to give up. I think because my dad was very violent and abusive I think things aren't that bad as he doesn't hit me iyswim? Don't get me wrong I have felt this for a long time and am to stubborn just to give up. I tell myself all marriages are hard work and have ups and downs but then we seem to have more downs.

I wish someone could just give me direction but I know it can only come from me :-(

Vivacia Thu 30-Oct-14 07:43:10

I don't know if I have enough reason to give up.

I swear that if my DP called me a fat cow he'd be out of the fucking door so fast his feet wouldn't touch the floor. Not in a million years would he say anything like that about anybody though.

savemefromrickets Thu 30-Oct-14 07:43:57

Can you try going to counselling on your own? You don't need him to be there to talk about your life and feelings.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 30-Oct-14 07:49:17

The kind of nice/nasty routine you're describing is typical of bullies, or if you want a different term 'emotional abuser'. They don't love partners particularly, they exert control. They like the other person to be nervous, lacking in confidence, doubting their judgement, on the back foot and they achieve this with a mixture of horrible and good behaviour, threats and promises, aggression and apology.

If he was jealous, controlling and nasty at the beginning I doubt very much that he's really changed. You are almost certainly adjusting your behaviour to keep him sweet - even if you don't appreciate it - because that's what you did growing up. He will suppresses the behaviour a little so that you stay close and then, when you're pregnant and he thinks your options are limited, his true colours show. Hurling insults and then passing it off as a joke is another standard technique of bullies. It's not a joke.

There are more ways to be a victim of Domestic Abuse than to be subjected to violence. You don't have to have a black eye to be a victim. You don't have to wait to get a black eye in order for it to be a bad marriage. Emotional Abuse is well-recognised, very common and soul-destroying.

Marriage can have its challenges but it should never be 'hard work'. It should certainly never be abusive. DCs don't deserve to grow up in that kind of environment.

yougotafriend Thu 30-Oct-14 07:57:40

OP his behaviour is not acceptable .... It makes no difference whether someone else lives in a worse situation than you..... His behaviour is still not acceptable.

Please don't be me..... My H sounds exactly like yours, believe me they do not change for the better with time, they get worse, because by staying we are (unwittingly) justifying their abuse.

We have been together 23yrs and I am finally leaving, if I'm honest I've known for 15yrs I need to get away, but had all the same concerns as you (kids/money). If I could turn the clock back I would be stronger and do what I knew was right.

I always wished for a catalyst to make the decision easier, then guess what?? He cheated.... We did nearly split up, but I stupidly thought he had now seen what he's could lose and will change the way he is towards me... Again, I was deluded.

We have been separated over a month but are still under the same roof and even last night he started again with the emotional blackmail, but I'm so over it.

You sound strong, positive and more than capable of coping as a single parent, please be brave.

Please don't be me!!

Finola1step Thu 30-Oct-14 08:06:23

Try looking at it this way. Your father was probably a 10 out of 10 bastard. Your husband may be a 4 out of 10 bastard. But still a bastard.

Just because he's not as bad as your father at this point does not mean that he is not abusive. He is.

Would you want you dd to end up with a man like your dh? If your ds treated his partner in the way you describe, how would you feel?

Vivacia Thu 30-Oct-14 09:06:21

(Sorry, I didn't mean my earlier post to come across as, "you should have done what I imagine I would do... " I was trying to express how incredibly out of order his behaviour is and how incredibly understandable your feelings are).

Dowser Thu 30-Oct-14 09:51:53

I suspect this wasn't a planned pregnancy, please correct me if I'm wrong so when you add resentment to the mix you can end up with a nasty, ugly tempered boorish bully.

He sounds like he's ready to throw up anything he perceives as your fault.

I wasn't hit or called names but I lived with a very aggressive man. To be honest I appear to have blocked most of that out so I suspect it was how I dealt with his temper at the time.

At times it felt like I was married to a two year old....don't get me wrong it wasn't all bad or I wouldn't have stayed . Then he cheated and then his bad behaviour escalated.

What I want to say is do you really want to raise your children in an atmosphere where they see their mum called horrible names. I can't see him changing particularly if he's doing it while you are pregnant which makes me suspect he didn't really want a third baby.

What I also want to say is when you are with a man who totally respects you you can just feel the difference. I never have to wonder what sort of a mood my OH is in as he's so balanced you can pretty much set your watch by him.

I feel valued, appreciated. Life is so much nicer now.

Believe me.

You will go through a tough time, I won't deny it but there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. With this man , you and your children will walk on egg shells throughout your whole time with him.

Jan45 Thu 30-Oct-14 16:59:22

Shocked at how he spoke to you, very bad relationship that you must get out of!

ArabellaTarantella Thu 30-Oct-14 17:12:47

Look dm86 - I am many many many years older than you and can look back on life. Don't waste your time with this man. You only get one life, and to waste it on someone who calls you nasty names (especially when pregnant) is a crying shame (and totally unnecessary).

Get out now. Get your own life. Do you really really want your children to see by default that this is the way men treat women. You may think they don't notice......but they do.

GoatsDoRoam Thu 30-Oct-14 20:56:39

Take a look at the links at the top of this thread and see if any of them speak to you.

PoundingTheStreets Thu 30-Oct-14 21:03:29

You're 28. You have the rest of your long life ahead of you and it is far too precious to waste with someone who calls you a "fat cow" or "stupid bitch" when you ask for help with something that any decent partner would have done without even needing to be asked.

You're not being over-sensitive in the slightest. He is a bully.

dm86 Fri 31-Oct-14 05:37:40

Thank you for all your replies.

I understand what your all saying completely. I never really thought of it the way you all describe but i think that now my rose-tinted glasses have come off I can see where your all coming from. I feel completely different this time as I'm not as upset as I have been in the past by the thought of splitting up and do feel abit emotionally numb to it all.

'yougotoafriend' I'm sorry to hear your in that situation now and I hope everything works out for you. I do feel that if I keep just going along with life the way it is I will be in your situation in another 10 years time.

Dowser, no it wasn't a planned pregnancy and abit of a shock to be fair. I only ever wanted 2 children so still adjusting really. My husband is happy about it and I now think it was maybe because I was close to leaving before I got pregnant and maybe now he sees me as trapped. Don't get me wrong no matter what happens I'll love this baby as much as my other children I'm just scared about doing it on my own. I think I should maybe wait until after I've had the baby. But then I think it'll be the baby then his birthday then something else etc until I'm still here in 10 years time.

I've really had enough. All I want in life is to be happy but right now I'm not. I just constantly feel on edge.

Thanks Cogito. You are probably right in what you say that I change the way I am to keep him happy. I feel on eggshells not knowing what mood he's going to be in on a daily basis. He's not as jealous as he was but I tend to turn down a lot of invites to save an argument. It's not an argument like we used to have about it but he still makes it known he's not happy and tries to make it awkward for me sometimes.

Finola what you said really hit home. I have a son and a daughter so both applies. Would I want my daughter to end up with someone like my husband? Absolutely not she deserves so so much more than that. Would I want my son to treat his partner like that? No I would be devastated if I thought I'd raised him to treat people like that.

But on the other hand what if we split up and I'm still not happy? Maybe its not him maybe it is me. I think I maybe expect too much and life is meant to be like this. What if I don't cope on my own. I have so many doubts. Maybe this is all I deserve. I just feel like I've gone round in circles for the past few years and nothings changed :-(

Jan45 Fri 31-Oct-14 10:58:32

If you want to live in someone else's shadow cos they and you allow them to think they are more important than you then expect more unhappiness OP, the fact he speaks to you like that is both shocking he thinks it's okay but so do you apparently, you must know this is a shit relationship. It's scary no matter what your circumstances when you split with someone but I'd rather be on my own than taking abuse of someone that is supposed to have my back and love me.

yougotafriend Fri 31-Oct-14 11:08:33

You might split and still not be happy, on the other hand you might feel ecstatic and free and yourself for the first time in too many years...... no one knows.

But if you stay you definitely won't be happy.... That ones a dead cert....

Annarose2014 Fri 31-Oct-14 11:09:29

Tbh there have been a few ladies on here who were treated badly during pregnancy who decided to stay just until after the baby was born.

It was cos they felt overwhelmed at the very idea of splitting up whilst pregnant.

It never worked out. After baby was born they were more vunerable than before as they were feeding around the clock and had a newborn in addition to their other kids. They were shattered. The husband was ZERO help and continued to be horrible. They were crying with tiredness and all seemed to wish they'd left before they had a newborn to cope with on top of all the household stuff and the other kids school stuff. And their husbands saw that they were well and truly trapped and didn't even try to be nice anymore.

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