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Is he cheating?What would you make of this if it was you?

(31 Posts)
WantingAnswers Sun 26-Oct-14 19:23:27

Long-time poster but have NC. Just don't want this info to be privy to anybody I know in real life.

DP and I been 'officially' together almost four years. No kids yet, we have talked about adoption when we're in a position to-in fact I joined MN mainly for this reason.We live together, joint mortgage.

Recently, I was on his computer looking for an email from his Mum, I had to email her about something and I didn't have her email address saved.

I'm sort of ashamed of this because I usually frown on anybody who would go through anybody's emails, but I snooped-I clicked on the first email in his inbox because his emails show the first line of what the sender has said, It's the way he has it set up. And it read;

'Hi babe, where were you?Are you okay? From him.

I scrolled down the email to previously sent emails and the ongoing conversation was very elusive-as if they'd also been also communicating through another medium. I couldn't find his sents to her sents IYSWIM. But the gist was, 'Lisa' had told him to contact her through a link. I clicked the link and it looked like a very 'explicit' dating site. Blatantly just about sex. It may have even been a porn or escort site disguised as one, I don't know.

He had said to her 'I can meet you in X (local bar/restaurant) at X time if you like' And then subsequently, email from him 'where were you' that I saw originally.

Let me say I am very relaxed with DP. Most of the time, I don't care if he watches porn. I've never been jealous of other women he knows, I don't care if he has female friends, he's still friends with a couple of his exes, I'm not bothered. All I ask for is trust and honesty and for if there's something wrong, we talk about it like adults and sort it out.

But THIS, has bothered me-because It's behind my back and it reads to me as if this is a girl on a porn or 'adult' dating site, or an escort site even, he's mistakenly thought it was a 'normal' dating site, and (unsuccessfully!) arranged to meet her. I don't think that's acceptable.

OR, he KNEW what type of site it was, and still arranged to meet her.

She obviously hasn't met him , that's a relief.

I don't want to tell him I've snooped-one thing though, 90% of the time his emails are open. He KNOWS I could look any time if I was so inclined, so why would he have that email lying about?

Another thing , he isn't an energetic person. He works but apart fromt hat his main loves in life are just relaxing at home, on the net or watching TV, he has artistic hobbies but again, he always does them at home. He rarely goes out and if I want to go out somewhere I either go alone or I have to drag him. I can't see him using the initiative to decide to go and meet someone.

He's a drinker on occasion. He'll drink at home though, invite a friend round then continue after they've gone. This has happened a couple of times recently but I can't remember when exactly to see if the dates of the emails correspond.

Since it happened, I've told him that my intuition is very good (this is true and he KNOWS this) and I've a sense something's wrong, it might be something minor-has he been flirting with anybody, is there anything going on because I'd rather just know.Flat out denial. I was hoping he'd tell me and say ' I did something really dumb when I was drunk but nothing happened and I'd never actually do anything it was just idiotic online flirting' etc etc.

If he had, I'd have bollocked him and taken time to forgive, but I COULD forgive if it was that.

I'm in limbo now.

Any opinions appreciated!

Egghead68 Sun 26-Oct-14 19:30:49

You know what's going on here.

Sorry this is happening.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sun 26-Oct-14 19:34:29

if his emails are open 90% of the time, why can't you tell him what you have seen ?

SelfLoathing Sun 26-Oct-14 19:34:35

He KNOWS I could look any time if I was so inclined, so why would he have that email lying about?

Maybe he consciously or subconsciously wants to get caught to force an end to the relationship?

Who knows?

Given what you 've seen, I don't think you have any other option than to ask him about it.

As you live together and have a joint mortgage, you may be financially vulnerable if the whole thing falls apart so if I were you I'd print this out before you challenge him and it gets deleted.

SelfLoathing Sun 26-Oct-14 19:35:16

Or take some other electronic copy of it for your records in case.

WantingAnswers Sun 26-Oct-14 20:49:48

happy ,because I don't want to say I snooped, even if he's left his emails open I don't feel It's my right to have a good rummage through them.

It seems that may be my option, though. I am also aware that if I do do that, he may become more secretive.

Maybe I could make up a decent excuse as to why I did it.

I just think, even if it is a porn site and there was no chance of them meeting, his intention was still there. He wanted to meet another woman.

Thanks for the support all. I really didn't think there was anything wrong with 'us' .

If we're to break up I guess one of us has to move out. He's owned the house for years before I got put on the mortgage, so I'm not sure what my 'rights' are there.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sun 26-Oct-14 20:55:04

Well, I believe the end justifies the means

You had a reason to snoop (subconsciously) and boy did you get payback

I wouldn't listen to any faux outrage on his part...he is the wrongdoer here

BuzzardBird Sun 26-Oct-14 21:01:32

Well, you made it clear that you didn't mind porn and now you are changing your mind? Other women is other women.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sun 26-Oct-14 21:03:15

Yes, I have to say that if I had a pound for every woman that said "I don't mind my partner using porn but..." I would be a very rich woman

farendofafart Sun 26-Oct-14 21:08:18

You don't need to make up an excuse. You were on his email for legitimate reason - to get his mum's email address. Your eye was caught by the subject line. Your intention wasn't to snoop.

I'd print a copy of it and confront him.

Lacoba66 Sun 26-Oct-14 21:09:54

Happyhallow- exactly why I logged in! Wanting, does it matter how you found out? The end result is the same surely?

We all deserve an element of privacy, even in a relationship, but when you find out that they have broken that, then it's gloves off for me... They don't deserve the right to be "boo hoo" about it anymore!

Can I also say that some people are extremely "blasé" about their personal faux pas...

WantingAnswers Sun 26-Oct-14 21:10:31

I differentiate between fantasy and reality, I guess, happy . As in, a guy looking doesn't mean he will touch.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sun 26-Oct-14 21:12:27

Well, reality has arrived to bite you on the arse, I am afraid. I am sorry thanks

WantingAnswers Sun 26-Oct-14 21:15:25

I know. It's betrayal is trying to meet another woman, whoever she was/is.

I will see if I've a chance to get back on his emails again.

I don't look at porn myself but I have in the past and I have never cheated.

Points taken about why I don't need to excuse myself. Thank you xx

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sun 26-Oct-14 21:17:40

Keep posting, lovey x

WantingAnswers Sun 26-Oct-14 21:23:42

No, buzzard. I never have been bothered about porn and I doubt that will change. I'm bothered about him emailing another woman and trying to get her to meet him. Yes as you say, other women are other women. I doubt I'd be any less bothered or more bothered if she wasn't anything to do with porn-I could be totally wrong and she isn't and it's just a legitimate dating site.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sun 26-Oct-14 21:29:27

I think we are trying to draw your attention to the porn thing because quite often it's use can escalate

When the anonymous videos no longer hit the spot (as it were), then some people are susceptible to the next step. Webcams, sex chat lines, skype with RL women, NSA fuck sites and bingo there is your crossover into RL infidelity

WantingAnswers Sun 26-Oct-14 21:34:46

Yes, I hear you totally on that.

It's a tricky one though. I don't think I'd have had a good result by 'banning' porn had I wanted to though, could have been the opposite.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sun 26-Oct-14 21:42:37

No matter, now

This is what it is. Just another reason for you to not blame yourself in any way.

Frozennortherner Sun 26-Oct-14 22:08:23

Other women is not really other women is it? Porn, fantasy may be one thing; arranging or planning to meet someone else for 1-1 sex is another. Look again at the emails. And then ask him directly. It's a betrayal. There's no grey area at all. Porn, when you've both in agreement, isn't necessarily a problem for you both. This, however, you haven't been party to.

Frozennortherner Sun 26-Oct-14 22:12:09

I also think that lots of people look at porn without taking the next step'. For many, I suspect that the attraction of porn is that it doesn't necessitate having to deal with the relational or interactional messiness that most co-present meetings bring and so people just don't want anything more. If he's crossed this line, that is not way you implicitly agreed

WantingAnswers Sun 26-Oct-14 22:16:57

frozen I think I got confused by what buzzard said. I thought she meant I was bothered more if the other woman was a porn actress-I now think she means porn is cheating.

I feel as you describe. Trying to arrange to meet another woman is different to looking at porn, to me. Sexual contact is different to looking at other people having sex on a TV screen.

I just mentioned porn because I felt he may have mistakenly thought a porn site was a dating site (I know some porn sites do this to draw people in to spending money) , and also to demonstrate that I'm fairly relaxed as a rule, but this has caused me to hurt and suspect.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sun 26-Oct-14 22:31:02

he made no mistake

PeppermintPasty Sun 26-Oct-14 22:48:20

I'm slightly confused, so forgive me, but are you thinking he did this for a little fantasy moment? Or that it was a mistake from start to finish, or rather, you think it could Have been a mistake from start to finish?

Neither scenario sounds very likely.

Sorry.

WantingAnswers Sun 26-Oct-14 22:56:15

I thought a few things;

It could be it was after he'd been drinking, he'd gone on a porn site, got emailing a porn actress whod' linked him back to the site, he'd been egotistical and thought she was genuinely interested, and tried to get her to meet him

It could be that it was a dating site (I only glanced) and he set out to meet someone and said he was up for it etc

Or anything in between.

I know It's not good!Don't get me wrong!But if it was a drunken moment of madness and he TOLD me, I could deal with that. It seems like It's more, given his denial. And 'Where were you' implies that he actually set out to meet her. I worked out that that day he said 'where were you' was a Saturday. I often work nights until 9 am on a Saturday morning. So I could have been still asleep and it's plausible that he did actually set out to meet her.Or he could have known all along that she wouldn't meet him and said 'where were you'to imply that he tried to.

The conversation being 'broken up' is confusing. As if they'd communicated some other way as well.

Sorry if I'm not making sense. I'm trying to be articulate but I'm actually really upset.

Can somebody be clear and tell me what they actually really think's gone on here, from an outsider's POV? I cant hurt more than I do already. My head's spinning.

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