Messed up

[TheHoneyBadger]

I know i'm only going to manage to write a line or so here now and hope i'll come back to it later and give details but want to start something so that my need to reach out is 'out there' before i shove it away again.

I'm in a muddle at the minute of feeling like part of me is screaming out HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! at the world and part of me is loathing myself because help won't come and even if it tried to i wouldn't know how to let it.

[Fudgeface123]

Can you give us more information?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Hope you're not in immediate danger and that, when you ask for help, it arrives in a way that you can accept

[TheHoneyBadger]

thank you - no no imminent danger bar some kind of internal explosion.

most detail i can spit out at the minute is that i went non contact with my family just over a year ago and some recent events have caused them to sneak back in albeit in 'small' ways and i'm reeling.

have had to express myself and assert myself to a sibling and am in a hideous state of anx about it knowing/expecting some torrent of abuse to come back.

am coping with a lot at once and yet more penny drops and realisations about the state of my parents but tempered with the usual (albeit much shrunken) smoke screen of guilt and self doubt and fear and what not.

[TheHoneyBadger]

oh and a man is getting close to me and i feel an instinct to be open and real with him and a 'feeling' he can handle it and is cool BUT the shelf of wariness and expectation that people can't cope with me being me muddying the waters itms. no doubt brought on by the recent contact.

it is kind of freaking me out how much like an allergic reaction it is. how contact with them actually seems to trigger issues and ways of feeling/being/thinking that i thought were something wrong with me or who i was but am now seeing actually they're a response/reaction to contact with these people.

sorry to not make much sense.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If your family make you anxious, reestablish the no contact if it helps. 'Torrents of abuse' are only upsetting if you're there to hear them, by and large.

[TheHoneyBadger]

to be honest the HELLLLPPPP bit is probably painful and scary because i know there's no one to help.

am kind of feeling like i don't know how many more shelves of resources i can uncover within myself to 'cope' by.

must go hunt my son as he's gone to play out and it's getting dark.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Other than your family .... who can be excluded with a bit of application.... what else are you
coping with?

[TheHoneyBadger]

i've done a pretty effective job of getting 'out' the toxins and stressors etc in the last year or two - i think the hold up is in bringing in alternative sources of support and care.

[Vivacia]

Would you consider counselling?

[TheHoneyBadger]

i wouldn't 'not' consider it viv but i have done plenty of it in the past and have also trained in it and i'm not really sure what it has to offer me at this stage.

also i've found counsellors as much as anyone else seem to really resist and have some major block at being able to accept that some of us just WEREN'T loved by our mothers.

they're not immune to needing to hang on to certain rocks that they can't go beyond i guess.

[TheHoneyBadger]

in dealing with that level of the 'stuff' i end up feeling more like i'm holdiing their hand than they're able to give me something itms.

[Vivacia]

i wouldn't 'not' consider it viv but i have done plenty of it in the past and have also trained in it and i'm not really sure what it has to offer me at this stage.

I know what you mean, I'm similar. In my job I have to receive counselling as part of my role. Having got lucky with a wonderful counsellor I'm amazed at how powerful the Good Stuff can be.

Reading your posts it sounded as though you were having to deal with emotions that for one reason or another you hadn't learned to deal with. I'm talking about feelings at a very subtle, specific level.

[ChillingGrinBloodLover]

There's no rush to get it all out, come and go as much or as little as you can handle

I will put you on my 'Watching' list so you don't 'fall off' my 'Threads I'm On' list - OK, I will keep checking in.

How long have you know the man that is getting closer to you?

[TheHoneyBadger]

thank you chilling.

i think half of the problem at the minute is utter lack of support. and i HATE myself for saying it because i value independence etc and admit i have issues with needing because my childhood and other later experiences taught how dangerous/weak/vulnerable etc that was. have worked on that a lot and think i potentially can accept help now but actually there just isn't much about having isolated myself.

viv - yes stuff at the very subtle, specific level would be great to discuss BUT... counselling for the most part seems geared at a very basic level, broad, ah look now you understand that x is connected to y and simply understanding that will make a huge difference to your life.

a lot of this stuff i've understood for eons. it doesn't um... eradicate the deficits created by it or prove to be enough. i'm pretty rational, pretty 'intelligent' at seeing the connections and why's and how's etc - that doesn't 'fix' things though and at some point there's a need for remedy - some kind of filler of those deficits.

i'm really good at self reliance and survival and self comfort and ya da ya da but i'm beginning to accept that there are bits i can't reach - like scratching your own back and that people don't liek that. especially if you're bright and able and funny and can pass for being socially ok etc. they expect some perfect package that only reinforces how deficient you feel.

sorry - big waffle.

[TheHoneyBadger]

and i'm left with this blimey, i really was raised by wolves! lol yes it helps me not blame hate whatever myself so much but it doesn't fill the gap of what it might have been like to be raised by humans. and i'm a bit exhausted from my journey to fill in the gaps and get up to speed over decades now.

i could do with a helping/loving hand but have trusted a couple of people this year and gone majorly out on a limb for them only to be be badly let down. i remain really 'open' in that sense (as in i can try not to be but reality is i will be again) but god it would be nice if someone could return the favour.

shit this is a pity party really isn't it?

[Vivacia]

(((Honey))) I know it's bad form, but there's so much you have just written that I can relate to.

[Vivacia]

You know? I think things tumble out of us when we're ready to deal with it (at least a little bit of it) and we've reassured us that right now is a safe place and time to.

[TheHoneyBadger]

thank you.

i think i loathe this 'thirsty' bit of me. all the stuff i wasn't given creates a sort of hunger or need for it that i've spent a lifetime trying to cover up because it's so ugly.

having to deal with them getting in contact and projecting a load of crap onto me again, or even living anxious with the expectations of that crap is just too much. i feel like i need to move far far away and change my name or something.

[TheHoneyBadger]

it's likely 'not' a safe place and time but it's tumbling out anyway and as usual (bitter pity party sounding i know!) i will have to find a way to deal with it solo. i'll have to dig deep once again and find yet more resources i didn't know i had. that's the deal because i'm a mother and i cannot break.

it is a pity party sorry.

[TheHoneyBadger]

and i hate myself for this but i'm feeling so let down and hurt by a friend who i know technically 'is' a friend but is so unable or unwilling to 'get it'. she doesn't have to get it, it's fair enough, she had/has a good supportive family, she's married and doesn't have to look outwards anywhere for her needs. i get it, i understand and i don't objectively blame her or expect anything from her but on some subjective level it just feels like a big 'i don't care'.

the friendship, years long and invested in, suddenly feels like yet another example of me not really existing or mattering. it's childish and reactive and i can see where the roots come from but it still hurts.

[TheHoneyBadger]

someone asked how long i've known the man. i met him through mutual friends about 5 years ago and we've kept in touch, sometimes trivially and sometimes sharing an uncanny amount of stuff comfortably given how little we 'know' each other.

he reminds me of when i was younger and had boyfriends who just loved me and were 'ok' with me having feelings or being a bit quirky at times and with whom i managed to do both emotion and fun and deep and shallow and it was no big deal. that 'could' be something to relax into and explore or it could be a hideous minefield of exposing yourself and letting someone in a bit only to be rejected for it.

god i'm embarrassed by myself at this point! i can 'see' all my neurosis but it doesn't magically undo it and i can 'say' all the right things to myself of what i should do but that doesn't fix anything either. frankly some things are set in stone early or need major input to turn around and part of that is accepting oneself and their feelings and having a basic sense of trust that the world won't chew you up and spit you out for having them.

is it ok to sometimes wish your family would just disappear off the face of the earth? no contact is harder to achieve than it sounds when the people you're trying to boundary have zero respect for or recognition of boundaries and you are a bit susceptible to doubting your right to have them.

[dadwood]

Your boundaries can be your choice. I don't think you should feel guilty for that. Just like may other relationships, the one with the highest boundary should get to set the level of involvement.
Your man, should he even feel that way, can't reasonably expect you to be closer to your family or judge you for it, It's your family, not anyone else's

[TheHoneyBadger]

sorry bit confused by that. no judgment from him about situation.

probably shouldn't even have mentioned him as separate issues but maybe it's lots of awareness crushing in at the same time.

[dadwood]

I am sorry if I got the wrong end of the stick there! Maybe I should have read more carefully.

[Anniegetyourgun]

It's not really a separate issue though, is it? It's one more thing you can't relax and enjoy because "the wolves" have made you feel shit about yourself. They can't relate to you because you're a bit too normal for them, not because you yourself are hard to relate to; you know that intellectually, but can't deep-down feel it, because it dates from right back when you were tiny and learning everything about emotions - from wolves So you are missing out on what could potentially be a fantastic relationship because of the crap that was dumped on you in the past, and continues to be dumped whenever you think you've mostly climbed out of it.