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I am being utterly stupid and need flaming

(40 Posts)
perfectlyincapable Thu 23-Oct-14 17:08:07

Namechanged out of shame.

I am in an EA relationship, I know this but can't get him to leave and he can be really lovely most of the time.

Unfortunately DP is manipulative and I am a sucker, if he doesn't get his own way he will get angry and punch walls and go on about how I obviously don't love or care for him and how I never have, he throws past things in my face such as him spending £13000 in 6 months with nothing to show for it because its my fault somehow, my default reaction is to calm him down and apologise for everything and then he will cry and apologise for being nasty and saying he doesn't mean it and it wont happen again... I believed it for a year or so but have now realised what he is doing.

But I can't leave him for fear of him killing himself, he has history of depression and sucidal tendancies so I am stuck, I care for him so much but I dont love him anymore, I am fed up of being left to do all the housework and childcare and pay for everything too, he does work part time and I work full time, but if I say anything the above happens and the after apologising he does help out for a few days.

To complicate everything further I have got talking to a lovely man I work with, he is so nice and I feel comfortable being around him, we have spent some time together and gone out for drinks as friends and for the first time in ages I feel I can talk without walking on eggshells.

We really like each other but I can't do anything about it because of DP.

I just don't know what to do I feel stuck but I know I am being stupid as it would never work, I can't leave DP as much as I try but I also don't want to stop my progressing friendship with this guy.

Sat here in tears because I know the answer but I can't hurt DP and it will ruin his life if I throw him out, we have had a lot of fantastic times together and we have a beautiful DD who is only a toddler so I know it isn't fair on her either.

CatKisser Thu 23-Oct-14 17:13:15

we have a beautiful DD who is only a toddler so I know it isn't fair on her either.

No, you're right - it's not fair for her to see her mum so unhappy and so mistreated.

Sorry, that was a bit unfair maybe, but it's the truth. He sounds truly AWFUL, OP. He can act exactly as he pleases but can blame it all on you and make you feel terrible because you will put up with anything and everything.

You are worth a HAPPY LIFE. I don't know whether it's with the work chap, but that's not important.
You are not responsible for your partner's actions; he is. Are you honestly planning to live like this forever? sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 23-Oct-14 17:18:47

I'm sorry you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. At least you recognise that you are being manipulated. His mental health is the responsibility of doctors and himself. Not you. If he is suicidal or depressed he needs treatment. It's not a good reason to stick around for more punishment.

Please start thinking about a future for yourself and your DC that doesn't include this bully.

WerkSupp Thu 23-Oct-14 17:19:58

Get real! This 'partner' doesn't give a toss about you or his kid. He's a self-centred, abusive twat.

His life is his responsibility, not yours.

Kick him out.

Lottapianos Thu 23-Oct-14 17:21:37

OP, you deserve SO much better than this. Of course your DD deserves better than this but SO DO YOU. He's an abusive scumbag and you do not have to put up with it. He is an adult and not your responsibility.

Men like this are so similar - blaming you for everything, scaring you, keeping up the abuse until you crack and apologise, breaking down and begging your forgiveness, being 'lovely' for a while before getting started on the whole miserable cycle again. And threatening to self harm or kill themselves if you challenge any of it. Its classic stuff OP - abusive and manipulative and completely unacceptable.

You do not have to live like this. You really don't.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 23-Oct-14 17:25:28

Men who use threats of suicide against their chosen victims, in this case you and by turn your child who is also unfortunate enough to be caught up in all this, are the lowest of the low. He uses that primarily to keep you there and many abusers often threaten to kill themselves. Its a further control method so I doubt very much he would actually kill himself.

His behaviour primarily is down to him being out and out abusive, such abusive men like the one you are with also can and do use depression as an excuse to further abuse their chosen victims.

You say that you cannot hurt DP and ruin his life, well he has gone all out to ruin yours and also drag you and his child down with him. You and your child to him are nothing, less than nothing. Such men hate women as well, all of them.

Womens Aid can and will help you leave; you need to be brave and take tat first, often the most hardest of steps, out. Their number is 0808 2000 247.

The nice man at work has shown you that a nice life without abuse is possible.

Do not consign your own self and your child to a life of misery by remaining where you are.

PacificDogwood Thu 23-Oct-14 17:28:37

<attacks OP with a flame-thrower>

You don't need us to tell you what to do - you know.

"…he can be really lovely most of the time." - so why isn't he all of the time?
What proportion of shit in your cup of coffee would you find acceptable?
What proportion of abuse in your relationship is acceptable?

0% IMO.

You cannot change him, you can only change your response to his behaviour. He is an adult, he choses how to behave.
Your call - for you and your DD.

PacificDogwood Thu 23-Oct-14 17:30:05

Don't minimise your distress and don't catastrophes his: of course you will not 'ruin his life' if you found a way to extract yourself from his abuse.
He is currently ruining your life, there is little doubt that your DD's life would be affected and all that is HIS doing, not yours.

cheerupandhaveaglassofwine Thu 23-Oct-14 17:34:07

Why is the happiness of you and your dd worth less in your mind than the happiness of someone who doesn't give a crap about your feelings

You need to kick him out and take that chance, how do you know it will or won't work with you and the guy at work if you don't try it

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Thu 23-Oct-14 18:03:44

Go for a trial separation initially. You may have no intention of taking him back once you see what it's like to have fun and laughter and im from work in your life but he does not need to know this. Gradually detach is what I am saying. Do it all in small steps. He is very unlikely to commit suicide. That is merely the hook on the lead he has tightly around your neck. Please try and see this situation as it really is. You will not be ruining his life by getting away, he is ruining his own life by being a controlling arsehole with you. Start taking control yourself and do it in baby steps but don't be his doormat forever.

perfectlyincapable Thu 23-Oct-14 18:04:50

I know all of this I read this board everyday and in my head I scream at myself because I tell them to leave but I cannot do it for myself.

DP wont leave though I have tried in the past to get him to leave but its a joint tenancy, I can't leave as I also have 3 other DCs from another relationship one with additional needs, no family at all, no other friends either at work or outside and no money to move out.

Just feel stuck.

MorrisZapp Thu 23-Oct-14 18:06:44

He almost certainly won't kill himself. It's just a way to control you and keep you at his beck and call.

Please think about yourself and your kid in this, neither of you can flourish in this horrible environment. You know what you have to do. There's loads of support available.

WerkSupp Thu 23-Oct-14 18:14:44

So call the police next time he punches up your place! Get an injunction on him.

LoisPumpkinPieLane Thu 23-Oct-14 18:18:57

How is his spending £13k in six months your fault? That's ridiculous.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 23-Oct-14 18:36:07

It's OK if you can't do it for yourself. Getting out of an abusive relationship with someone as manipulative as you describe is a tall order. Your confidence is low, your fears are high and you have other people to consider besides yourself.

It's OK

But there are people who would help you and all your DCs move on with a fresh start. GPs, Womens Aid, Social Workers etc. If you're not strong enough alone, get help. You only have to find the strength to ask

PacificDogwood Thu 23-Oct-14 18:52:10

When you feel able to you could contact WA and rock up with any number of children and find support. You can. When you are ready.

Don't beat yourself up - he is doing a great job at undermining you and controlling you. Be kind to yourself. You can leave when you are ready to seek the support and take is.

Many people take several attempt before they beat a bad habit: smokers, drinker, drug-takers etc. And victims of abuse.
Every time you thought about leaving, what stopped you? Consider ONE thing and find a solution for it - only then address the next thing.

Don't shout at yourself. You are doing what you can. Posting here is a good start.

PetraThePanda Thu 23-Oct-14 22:07:29

Why not let the good folk on here help you with your exit plan?

Please don't let your DD spend any more of her life in this situation. She can't change it, but you can.

perfectlyincapable Fri 24-Oct-14 11:17:04

Thank you all I know what I need to do, right now though he is in a good mood and I don't want to rock the boat, I think I'll wait and bide my time until he kicks off again and then I'll kick him out for good, may just need help sticking to that plan.

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe Fri 24-Oct-14 11:57:19

perfectly, use this quiet, peaceful time to make a rock-solid plan. then his next outburst is just the excuse you need. contact womens aid, organise accommodation, make sure when he starts punching things you call the police and get it logged as well as using it as a way to get him out.

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe Fri 24-Oct-14 11:58:16

that sounds like I want you to stay in your current home and move out!
but get all your ducks in a row. be ready.

Quitelikely Fri 24-Oct-14 12:14:45

Ok so I see why the future might be scary, on your own with four dcs, thinking how will I meet someone else etc and that's fair enough.

However the bottom line is if nothing changes, nothing changes. You will condemn yourself to the life you have described above.

I do sympathise with your bf. he obviously has MH issues that he has not addressed but by threatening suicide he is claiming you are the only reason he's alive! I wonder if yous have some sort of co dependency in each other in that way. You can't save him, he needs professional help and if he does happen to leave and threaten death, all you do is call the police and tell them a man is threatening to end his life. They will check this out and seek medical opinion on whether his life is at risk, then he will get help.

perfectlyincapable Fri 24-Oct-14 12:56:15

He is on anti depressants but they aren't working, he keeps telling me he is going to go back and sort it out but he doesn't, he makes appointments and misses them.

He is also having councilling but after 6 months of it nothing changes.

I'm just fed up with the false promises and nothing changing, it's to a point where I don't want to spend time with him because I am worried he will kick off.

He cheated on me back in July and I should have ended it then but again he was sorry and promised it wouldn't happen again, but a week later he was blaming me for making him feel unappreciated and getting angry because I wasn't over it, I try to forgive him but when I try and talk to him about my feelings he turns it around saying I don't listen to his feelings.

A big part of me wants to fix this and go back to how we were but a bigger part of me is just waiting for him to kick off so I can end it.

Problem is I keep asking if it is all my fault, my last relationship went the same way, all great and happy, then he got depressed and violent, maybe I am the problem.

PacificDogwood Fri 24-Oct-14 13:04:07

MH problems/depression to NOT turn a person in to a prick. Sorry.

Go and google 'Freedom Program' if this is a pattern in your relationships.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Fri 24-Oct-14 13:06:55

He is an abusive arsehole. He is trying to control you with death threats. His life, his responsibility, not yours. GET RID.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 24-Oct-14 13:10:37

If someone chooses to treat you badly, it's not your fault. However, you have the choice to reject that person. If you choose to keep giving second and third chances knowing that they're unlikely to change, that's when it becomes a mistake.

I'm sorry you've had the bad luck to meet two nasty individuals. Don't blame yourself but do learn from your mistakes

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