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To feel anxious about asking my partner for this money

(230 Posts)
GirlWithTheLionHeart Tue 21-Oct-14 14:08:42

I've just emailed him as I'm way into my overdraft and it's worrying me.

I paid £390 to bailiffs over council tax that I didn't even know was owed from a couple of years ago when we were living together.

I then paid the whole water bill £490 for the year when we left.

I was on unpaid maternity at that point and had to use my precious little savings on it all. I'm now working pt as my ds is still a toddler and earn little. He did pay all the rent in those places, hence why I feel mean but I always paid for food, clothes, nappies for ds etc

I also pay for hp on a car he insisted we buy at £210 a month. I part exchanged my old car in and just wanted to get a newer used car - not finance, he insisted he wanted a newer car - he pays for the insurance (which he put in his name so he gets the benefit of no claims).

He earns £60k+

I feel anxious now I've sent the email.

MelanieCheeks Tue 21-Oct-14 14:10:18

Why are you anxious? And why have you emailed instead of disucssing it face to face?

GirlWithTheLionHeart Tue 21-Oct-14 14:12:23

I don't know, I just thought I would email him? I don't really like asking him for money as he's funny about it

ImperialBlether Tue 21-Oct-14 14:13:35

Firstly, are you married? I assume you don't share bank accounts.

Secondly, he wanted the car - how come you're paying for it?

Thirdly, why were you the only person responsible for paying for the water bill and council tax?

Lastly, no matter what the rent is, it's always a flat fee. Whoever pays that and gets everything else paid for is the lucky one. All other costs vary each month, but the rent is usually the same. Sounds like he's got away with a lot financially.

What is the worst that will happen once he receives your email?

MaidOfStars Tue 21-Oct-14 14:14:03

He pays rent, you pay everything else?

Time to sit down and talk about finances. He'd be far poorer if you left him.

GirlWithTheLionHeart Tue 21-Oct-14 14:17:35

Hi Imperial,

No, not married and seperate bank accounts - I suggested a joint one that we put into and all bills come out but nothing ever happened.

I'm paying for the car as I felt that, if he paid for it, he would own it and I would be left without car if anything happened after I had px'd my old one in, so that ones my fault I guess..

I guess he might just be p.a and sulk a bit, not sure really. Generally anxious person anyway

VileStatistyx Tue 21-Oct-14 14:19:14

He didn't pay half of the council tax bill or the water bill?

Is he taking the piss? It sounds like you pay far more than he does, that's not right. Have you actually worked out how much you each contribute and whether it is fair?

It is worrying that you can have sex with someone, have a home with someone, have a child with someone and be afraid to talk to them about money. You have to see that that's not right? Normally people in a relationship can discuss things like this and reach an agreement that both are happy with. You sound like you are scared.

LadyLuck10 Tue 21-Oct-14 14:20:45

How on earth do you go on to have a child with someone yet can't talk about basics like finances confused

amyhamster Tue 21-Oct-14 14:22:37

he earns 60K and you're dealing with bailiffs?

sounds like financial abuse sad

GirlWithTheLionHeart Tue 21-Oct-14 14:23:59

He's been saving a lot of money for a deposit so I guess I've been spending more than I can afford

whois Tue 21-Oct-14 14:26:30

FFS woman! How many bloody threads do we have on this theme. Get a huge helping of self respect and recognise what a shit position you're in. This is not normal and it's not acceptable. Arghhhhhh

VileStatistyx Tue 21-Oct-14 14:27:53

deposit for what? A house?

You aren't married?

Make fucking sure that you are on the deeds and you are fully financially protected!

ViviPru Tue 21-Oct-14 14:28:12

Phew, whois saved me the bother.

GirlWithTheLionHeart Tue 21-Oct-14 14:29:00

Sorry my life annoys you so much whois

ViviPru Tue 21-Oct-14 14:33:16

Its not that your life is 'annoying', Girl, it's just that hearing about another person in a situation like yours is just exasperating. Its not a dilemma/complicated/delicate issue, it's simply a case of you needing to recognise that being financially controlled by another person " is not normal and it's not acceptable."

Nicknacky Tue 21-Oct-14 14:36:09

Being fair, op is your partner aware of how precarious your finances are? Does he know what your income is?

And how did it get to the stage of bailiffs?

GirlWithTheLionHeart Tue 21-Oct-14 14:41:30

Yes he does know Nick but is more focused on saving as
Much as possible at the moment, to the point where his card was declined when I took it to sainsburys

I have to always ask for money for stuff for ds when it's his turn to buy something.

vivi I appreciate that, but I wasn't asking if it was normal, I know he's being tightfisted, I just feel anxious asking. I was brought up by separated parents, my mother remarried as soon as my dad left she cheated and married an abusive monster. So I don't have very good role models like a lot of people and not a lot of self esteem.

GirlWithTheLionHeart Tue 21-Oct-14 14:43:01

Also I was worried I was being mean asking for it when he paid for all the rent and some bills like gas

namioexchangio Tue 21-Oct-14 14:43:50

If you are working pt and looking after your (?joint) child, then your DP needs to be paying rather more than just the rent - he would be paying rent if you left and yet you are paying for everything else, and providing childcare, on a low wage. I do know how people can get into this kind of situation, and I don't think anyone is criticising you, OP - they are just frustrated at the plight of women and how society can condition us to think that such a state of affairs might be acceptable. Please find time to sit down and have a long discussion with your partner. It is not right that you are going into debt to enable him to save up for a deposit. Nor is it efficient. As you have given up FT work to raise his child, I would really recommend that you get married so that you gain some rights. That is what marriage was designed for - some protection for the more vulnerable party. If not that then at least agree that DP pays a certain (significant) amount each week into a housekeeping account which you are free to spend. Good luck.

namioexchangio Tue 21-Oct-14 14:44:35

You are not being mean. Please don't think that.

Nicknacky Tue 21-Oct-14 14:46:28

It goes without saying that you need a serious sit down and sort it out. What's the point in savings if you don't have enough for the day to day things?

Is he worried about possible job loss etc? And wants to squirrel away as much as possible?

wheresthelight Tue 21-Oct-14 14:47:15

wow whois the op came here for support not a vicious attack

op you need to look at exactly what your household outgoings are and then look at what you are both bringing in and work out bills by proportion

I understand how you feel though, I had to give uo work due to the insane cost of decent childcare so I have no money. Dp is on an excellent wage thankfully and if I ask he gives me whatever money I need or his switch card but it is really hard not being able to provide for myself or have little treats like a coffee out without thinking about it in advance.

Dp is crap at talking about money but you do need to talk. he wouldn't have the career he has if you hadn't given up working full time to care for your son

hope it goes well

ScarletFever Tue 21-Oct-14 14:47:21

is the finance in his name too? If it is - tell him you're not paying it anymore and get a cheaper car *(which you'll need some moeny back for) if it isnt, see if you can get that lowered either by p/exing down? or something? never had a car on finance, so dont know how that works

are you on MatLeave with his child? do you cook his meals? (DP i mean) do his washing, cleaning? ffs woman, do you want your DS to think this is the way to treat people - shape him up, or ship him out

ScarletFever Tue 21-Oct-14 14:48:58

you can do this - you are worth more than this situation - and it might also be that he doesnt realise there is a problem - have you talked to him about it before?

Summerisle1 Tue 21-Oct-14 14:52:43

Well saving for a deposit is all fine and dandy but not if this leaves you unable to meet basic expenses. So you really need to sit down and work out your joint income and outgoings and then come up with a workable budget. At the moment, it sounds as if you are struggling enormously while he's cheerily disengaging himself from any money management. If you are in a partnership then really, you have to be able to work out a fair share of expenses. Him opting out because he is saving while you are fending off bailiffs is just plain wrong.

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