Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Will I Have To Wait Forever?

(29 Posts)
MabelStark Sat 18-Oct-14 17:30:50

I'm inspired to post this thread to ask for help and advice as I saw a thread in AIBU and feel like I am in exactly the same situation as that poster. I don't have many close friends and I very rarely ask for advice from them so when I do I feel like they want to spare my feelings and don't tell me straight!

We've been together since Feb 2011 and dated pretty seriously since then -as we had mutual friends, so I knew he was 'ok' iyswim. He lives quite near me in his own property. I have a son aged 8 from a previous relationship, DS spends every weekend with his dad, from Friday at 6pm til Sunday at 4pm. DS and DB get along great.

I have tried to be clear that I want to be settled, in a happy relationship and ultimately to be married. All the time that we've been together I have expressed that that is the relationship that I would like. This year I have become more 'pushy' for want of a better word and really tried to discuss our future.

These discussions led to us becoming engaged earlier this year and I thought that this might be a turning point and lead to us becoming more like partners. This hasn't happened and I can feel myself getting more upset and frustrated as time goes on.

We are literally like boyfriend/girlfriend - there are barriers to our bring together- he works from 6 am and so gets up at about 4am. I work weekend nights. It's not ideal. He doesn't really stay overnight because of this. Perhaps twice a month.

There are barriers to us living together too- neither of our properties would be suitable for us to share - mine is too small - his needs a bit of work.

I feel like I coast along enjoying being with him- really loving him and then every couple of months I just question what the hell I'm doing.

We've discussed and discussed what to do - his attitude is that we are working towards being together and we will get married and have the 'ever after' and that I want things to happen too quickly. He says that he feels totally committed to me and we are together.

I don't know what to do I feel lonely a lot of the time. We do have a really great time together, he is my best friend, I look forward to seeing him we laugh and talk and love each other. He makes me laugh like nobody else, he makes my heart skip when I look at him.

We go on holiday together, just us and the 3 of us. We have a wonderful time. Then he goes home. He has lived alone for a long time, and was hurt when his (only) LTR ended, he's dated a bit and then had a long distance relationship that ended just before we met.

I'm 38 in a couple of months. He's 50 next year. He does love me I know he does and we are really good together. Can I turn my back on what I have now? I've never felt this way about anyone else and the idea of meeting someone else or being with someone else is just a bit strange, but I'm so dissatisfied with the way that things are.

I'm just not the type of person to issue ultimatums but I'm tired of trying to persuade him that our new life is waiting for us. We are at the stage now where I'm so frustrated it's really affecting how much I feel that I can give to the relationship when I have no idea what the future holds for us.

We only spend a couple of evenings a week together - he comes to me as I have DS, he'll call in for a couple of hours on a night where he's got work in the morning and I'll see him for longer or overnight when he has a day off the day after - unless I'm at work obviously. Because I work all weekend we don't get that 'weekend together' that I feel like every other couple has. It's difficult I know there are restraints that are unique to us. But I feel like we will never overcome them. I feel like he is waiting for normal life to stop so he's got time to assess and plan.

Please give me some advise!

I'm off to work now but I'll be back as I really need some help.
Thanks

Quitelikely Sat 18-Oct-14 17:47:39

Have you thought about changing your job/career?

Personally the weekend is the weekend IMO and I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life working them all!

frames Sat 18-Oct-14 17:56:38

If you and your ltb have different expectations and these are not being resolved, them yes you should move on and find someone who wants the same thing. I would think at 50 he is very unlikely to change.

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 18-Oct-14 17:57:05

3 and a half years and you sound like you could have either been together 20 or 2 weeks. Sorry - there doesn't feel like much of a relationship here.

LadyLuck10 Sat 18-Oct-14 18:14:28

You basically had to 'push' him into an engagement, would you feel ok if you had to do that again into marriage. It seems as though because it works at the moment he doesn't see why that needs to change. I think he probably is stringing you along.
If in 3 years you both could not have found a way to be together then it's probably not going to change. When it gets to the stage where you have to 'push'/ give ultimatums for a marriage then it probably isn't working.

fluffyraggies Sat 18-Oct-14 20:09:47

''If in 3 years you both could not have found a way to be together then it's probably not going to change.''

I was going to say this ^^.

It sounds corny but people who really want to be with the other will move heaven and earth to do it. Especially when of the only big obstacles is your shift patterns. Sorry.

postmanpatscat Sat 18-Oct-14 20:54:33

I met by DP in Nov 2010. We bought our own house together two years later. If your man really wanted to live with you, or even spend more time with you, he'd be doing it. The engagement means nothing.

pippinleaf Sat 18-Oct-14 21:26:35

Oh get out get out! This sounds exactly like the relationship I was in a few years back. I was mad about him and when we were on holiday it was perfect but he just wasn't going to give up his separate life. I often felt lonely.

Please seriously think about moving on so you can have that wonderful married, settled life you deserve.

riverboat1 Sun 19-Oct-14 10:27:32

Presumably the reason you work weekends is because you don't have to look after DS during those times since he is at his dad's? I see how that makes sense but agree it can't be a long term solution!

You say you have 'discussed and discussed what to do' - do you mean you've talked about you both making changes to your jobs, how you could buy a house together etc?

If you've discussed solutions and ways to move forward and he's refusing to commit to any plan of action, it seems like he is just happy with the way things are and not motivated to make any changes.. Which is fine for him, but not when he is supposed to love you and care about what YOU want too.

MabelStark Sun 19-Oct-14 19:18:18

Thank you for reading my lengthy text and for your responses.
I work weekends so that I do not have to worry about childcare as I have no-one else to take care of my son other than his dad.
I know that DB knows that he has got himself into a very regimented way of life, when he split from his LTP he really struggled to keep control of the house, cope with then teenage dd (who remained with him), his demanding job etc.
When we discuss the future he admits the idea of change frightens him and that he needs time to get his head around it.
He tells me that he loves me and can't imagine his life without me and I believe him. But you're right there's no motivation for change.
We had a talk earlier and he asked me what he would need to do to make me happy. I'm not sure that I even know - and if I did I wouldn't want to tell him as I feel like I'm coercing him and trying to make him do things my way iykwim.
He's such a lovely man. Really interested in the world, well informed, sensitive, fun, etc. It would be such a waste to walk away from all that we've built.

MabelStark Sun 19-Oct-14 19:19:45

His daughter is an adult now and moved out a few years ago. He has lived alone since.

MabelStark Sun 26-Oct-14 08:28:40

I really should finish this relationship. It seems wrong to tell someone that you're in love with that you don't want to be with them anymore.
Nothing has changed. I've barely seen him all week. We've talked on the phone. Everywhere I turned yesterday there were wedding cars- buses- receptions in 2 venues we visited when we went out for a drink. I see reminders everywhere of what I don't have- a family life.
I need to change the way I'm living it's making me sad.

ScrambledEggAndToast Sun 26-Oct-14 08:34:25

"Will I have to wait forever"

Yes.

I think he just likes the idea of having a relationship that he can keep in a compartment but then go back to his home whenever he chooses. You are still young enough to find someone who does want all the things that you want.

fifi669 Sun 26-Oct-14 08:55:41

His house is presumably big enough for you all to live there. Why not sell up and use some of the money towards doing his place up?

I also agree that working weekends is going to leave you with little time together. Do you qualify for help with childcare through tax credits?

WildBillfemale Sun 26-Oct-14 09:04:37

There are no insurmountable problems there - Either one of you could look for a job with different hours.
You could both sell your houses and buy a new one together, or do up his and move there.

These are all fairly normal issues people have to deal with when deciding they have a long term future together.

Sorry but when I read he is nearly 50 it clarified things. I think you have to accept he is happy with the situation as it is - 3 years is plenty of time to decide if you want a future with someone rather than just dating. pushing to get engaged etc won't make it magically happen.
He has his life and house to go back to without taking on any real responsibility for you or your son. He also has you to go on holidays with and see when he wants some female company.
The situation suits him but clearly not you after 3 years.
You are young, maybe think about finding someone who wants the same things as you? You've made it clear what you are looking for, he's not stepping up..........

Muddlewitch Sun 26-Oct-14 09:28:41

OP I feel for you. No one that claims to love you should be knowingly making you sad.

Relationships like these chip away at your self esteem and self worth. You deserve more than that - you are a single mum raising your son, holding down a job, being a loving girlfriend. Walk away and wait for someone who can see and appreciate all those things, and will be by your side heading forward rather than watching from a distance.

MabelStark Sun 26-Oct-14 09:32:35

Thank you for your wise words. He talks such a good game, but that's where it ends. I know he knows how lucky we are to have found someone that we so enjoy being with. It just seems that he can't take the next step. I understand his reluctance as he's built his own security so I suggested we go gradually - more time together- more overnight stays he can't even do that.
I feel like I'll never meet someone else. I need to take some time off I think and work on what I need.

MabelStark Sun 26-Oct-14 09:47:09

Thank you Muddlewitch. That's exactly how I feel.
I'm just setting off for the Lakes this morning with ds so that should clear my head. It's his birthday next month, then my birthday, then Christmas. And we've got tickets for a couple of gigs in between. All events we should have shared. I'll be sorting then out alone now. On the up side I've got things to keep me busy and at least I won't have that empty feeling when I watch him walk away afterwards.

MabelStark Wed 29-Oct-14 12:47:09

I've been re-reading the responses to this thread and I'm amazed how perceptive the replies actually are.
I think I've spent this relationship thinking that the issues that we are facing are unique but in fact, they are universal.
WildBillFemale your reply is so spot on - I can't make someone feel something that they don't feel. And I can't face an empty future. I need to trust that what I need will find me.

postmanpatscat Wed 29-Oct-14 13:39:14

Onwards and upwards, Mabel.

sooperdooper Wed 29-Oct-14 13:48:48

The issues you've got would be relativity simple to overcome if you both wanted to, what are his reasons for not living together, not considering a change of job etc?

They're adjustments that any other couple would consider and then act on, he's making it more complex than it needs to be - plus how do you know what it'd be like to be married to him if you've never lived together and only spend odd nights here and there?

UpduffedBatty Wed 29-Oct-14 13:58:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MabelStark Thu 06-Nov-14 17:38:31

Thank you Upduffed. We've spoken a couple of times on the phone in the last two weeks. He said that we are lucky to have found each other and we shouldn't throw away what we have - I told him we aren't throwing it away YOU ARE.

postmanpatscat Thu 06-Nov-14 17:45:33

Well said!

MissRueful Thu 06-Nov-14 18:23:03

I was "strung along" for a good few years like this (embarrassed to say how long!) and when I finally had enough and my feelings had been eroded, he went on his merry way without a backward glance!

I would not be surprised to hear he is with someone else now. I am cross that I did not listen to my gut feeling a lot earlier. I know exactly how you feel!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now