I cant work this out...advice appreciated.

[Levismum]

Dp & i have been together 15 years. 4 dc. He hasn't changed. I have.

On MN, he would probably be referred to as an 'avoider'. We don't argue. We don't have conversations, i end up literally crying with frustration as he wont/cant talk to me. No matter how important or serious the subject.

We've had a shite few years. Redundancy, loss of MIL, DS diagnosed with asd. Younger ds now going through assessments for asd. DP health issues including surgeries. My dm has had a stroke, basically lost all family support.

He does nothing wrong but he does nothing much either. Works shifts in a very low paid job, which is his choice, he talks about getting a new job but has never even applied for another job. Doesn't do much with the dc. I have to instruct him to do anything to do with the dc or house. We have no social life, no friends in common. No interests...nothing. It has got worse the last few years.

I asked him for a trial separation in May & August but he just ignored me. I don't want to be horrible to him as he has no one to go to, family wise & few friends.

I just don't want to waste any more time. I've wasted years being grateful to him for taking me on as i was a single parent when i met him. Im not worried about coping on my own as i already do everything. Its my house. i earn decent money. i deal with everything to do with dcs, school, medical appointments etc.

So after reading all this, why don't i make him leave? He isn't abusive or anything but he doesn't engage with me or the dc. Would counselling help?How do you actually physically separate? I don't know if I'm expecting too much, there is a little voice in my head saying, he's not that bad.

Any advice appreciated, especially if someone has been in a similar situation.

TIA

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You probably don't make him leave because of the twin voices saying 'he's not that bad' and 'I'm grateful he took me on'. Guilt and obligation are a powerful combo.

If he's not taking you seriously, all that's left to you is to take a tougher line and insist on the separation.

[Levismum]

Thank you for replying. I feel terribly guilty, is it normal?
How does anyone know for sure, they are making the right decision?
Can a relationship like this be repaired?

Can you guess I've never left anyone in my life!

[yougotafriend]

I can only speak from experience. I told my H last weekend I want us to separate....I used to say he is not that bad either (although knew that some of the time he's horrendous), but I deserve better and that's why it's the right decision. That doesn't mean a better man or a better relationship just ......better......

Don't you deserve better too?

[Levismum]

I've never thought of what i deserve.
It's all about the dc for me. I feel responsible for dp. He is starting to make me angry as he's so indifferent to everything. He doesn't understand the boys, that is a massive issue.

I can't imagine ever being in another relationship. It's not something I have ever thought about or want.

[springydaffs]

Oh love. Why were you grateful he 'took you on' because you were a single parent! This isn't the 1960s.

You took HIM on by the sound of it. You dont have to have any reason at all for wanting to end it, except you are very unhappy. That's so bad for your child apart from anything. He is a grown man, he can take care of himself (men are particularly good at that, it's unbuilt... as you have seen). Your child, on the other hand, can't take care if them self, needs you to take care if them. Your kid is living in this and WILL be being affected by it, whether that is obvious (now ) or not. Do it for your child if you can't do it for yourself.

[Levismum]

Thanks...such a kind reply. When i read my own post back, I sounded so pathetic. It was my family mainly my mother who verysubtlety made me feel, I would be lucky to find a ' good' man. I was a teenage mum. Two children by two dad's, both mixed race, my parents were horrified. Those children are now in their 20's.

Even though dp has been around since they were quite young, he didn't do anything with them. So we always went on holiday but he didn't ever play with them, that sort of thing. In my mind, we were on holiday cos dp paid so I didn't expect him to deal with the dc as well.

I was useless at picking partners. So after yet another failed relationship at 20, I made a conscious decision not to have anything to do with men. I was on my own for 6 years, before I met dp.

I had a list (literally) of criteria for future partners, ie: working. Own car. Not an alcoholic. Not a drug user. Really sad but personality, compassion, consideration or communication wasn't on my list, I viewed those sorts of traits as luxury.

So 15 years later, I'm totally different. Especially in the last 3 years. Finding MN was weird. It was like reading my thoughts on a screen. I always wondered if i was unreasonable expecting equal leisure time when I didn't work full time for example. I used to get so frustrated but MN was a way of me processing stuff that had been in my head for years.

I need to tell him to go, don't I?
I need to give him a date to leave by, don't I?
I need to get his crap together & 'move' his arse out...typical really, why would he move out? He never does anything unless it's of direct benefit or interest to him!

I'm sure there must be a name for this sort of personality!

[springydaffs]

Selfish? I'm sure there are more. Soul-destroying to be with some one like this. Poor all of you (you and your kids, that is)

Has he ever been violent or threatening? Does he punish you if things don't go his way? If so, you need to be very careful how you get rid of him. If the above apply then contact Women's Aid - 0808 2000 247 (try to call 7pm-7am as lines are busy during the day, sadly) - and get appropriate support and advice about how best to go forward to keep you safe.

But YES you need to boot his sorry arse out of your life. It seems you took on the idea in full you were 'lucky' to have him and have lived on the corner of a blanket for 15 years.Time to spread out xx

[Twinklestein]

I wonder if he may be ASD himself given you have one possibly two children on the spectrum. It might explain the lack of communication and interaction skills, and the lack of understanding of his children.

Not that that would make any difference, he's clearly impossible to live with.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

*I'm sure there must be a name for this sort of personality!

Yeah, boring!

It's your house. If you tell him it is over and he just ignores you - then put all his stuff outside the front door, after changing the locks and tell him to do one.

[ImperialBlether]

It's clear the relationship should end.

I wonder how the house is yours, when you've been together so long. Do you have shared finances? It seems a very passive thing for a bloke to do, to just live in someone else's house all that time. But that's him, isn't it?

[ImperialBlether]

I meant to add - when he does go, you will feel like you're on holiday. You know that feeling you have on your first day on holiday? You step onto the sand and your whole body relaxes - that's exactly how you'll feel.

[Primaryteach87]

Is it possible DP also has ASD which is why he is struggling to communicate with you? Not saying this would necessarily make a difference.