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Incompatible?

8 replies

TantricShift · 03/10/2014 21:12

8 years, 2 DC (5 and 1) and feeling fed up with my lot. DH leaves for work 6.30am returns at 7pm (has a 2 hour commute each way, says he can't get another job). He comes home helps tidy up then switches his laptop on and spends the evening online before heading off to bed at 9pm. We currently sleep separately because of Dc waking in the night and also his diabetes which wakes him often and then wakes me too. I wouldn't mind all of that if there was even any sex or intimacy. No kissing, cuddling, foreplay, sex, nothing. When I try to talk to him he always says he is still into me and we just need to make time for it, but as you can imagine that time never comes.He also says that he thinks I am always tired so doesn't want to bother me but even if I approach him he manages to brush me off somehow.

I am only 40 and he is 49 but I feel like I am living with an old man. He is a great father and I cannot fault his generosity but good God I feel like I am dying a little every day. I have often considered leaving but when it gets to that point he says he will make changes and does, temporarily. I still love him and find him attractive but I feel like I will have to settle for a sexless marriage with very little conversation if I want to be with him. We do argue as I just get so frustrated with him and his best defense is always to withdraw and I feel like he uses this to punish me for 'nagging' him.

Am I really going to have to bite the bullet and leave? I dread having to cope with 2 children on my own but I feel sad at the prospect of a future with a man who has little interest in me. Has anybody had this experience and how did it work out?

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NameChange30 · 03/10/2014 21:19

This sounds awful, no wonder you are unhappy. Maybe he is stressed or depressed but he shouldn't be shutting you out. I think you need to be really open with him, tell him you're unhappy and you want him to tell you what's wrong and make an effort to fix things and make time for you. Otherwise what's the point? If he won't listen then maybe you could write him a letter instead?? And if that doesn't work you might have to leave, if you explain why you're doing it then it might be the only thing that makes him understand. If he tries to get you back you'll know it's worth trying, if he doesn't the best thing for you will be to move on. Good luck :/

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NameChange30 · 03/10/2014 21:23

What happens at the weekend btw? Does he work, do his own thing, or spend time with you and the kids?

If he likes his job and doesn't want to change jobs, could you move house to make his commute shorter?

Maybe couples' counselling would help, but only if he's willing to do it - he has to make an effort, it can't all come from you.

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TantricShift · 03/10/2014 21:32

I have time off on Saturday while he has the kids and then we have Sunday together. This will change soon as DD2 will be going to a childminder and I will spend the whole weekend with them again. To be fair he does not have a day off from work or family but I feel that it's a situation he has created because of the job. I moved for his job once before and then when he changed jobs we moved again to be closer to family but he hasn't changed jobs as he said he would. I offered to move closer to the job but he maintains that he is going to leave so there is no point. Two years later and we are in the same position.

Things have always been a little off key with us to be honest. He is an introvert and likes his own space and I am an extrovert and like chatting and company. It was manageable before we had kids but now I am stuck at home more I find his lack of presence (whether he is in the house or not) quite difficult to cope with.

I get the feeling that I will always come second to work.

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Quitelikely · 03/10/2014 22:37

I think that you have to give him an ultimatum regarding his job. It just isn't compatible with family life and I think your feeling like a single mother. Also it doesn't sound like he is finding life fun at the moment either. Something needs to change here and I think you're going to be the one in the driving seat.

Also it's worth remembering that your dc are very young. More often than not when I see a thread on here with marital issues there always seems to be a new child on the scene. Our lovely dc have a way of impacting upon our lives!

IMHO life is too short to waste, decide what you want, tell your husband what you want and see if he delivers. His actions will tell you all you need to know. Don't believe what he says!

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Cricrichan · 03/10/2014 22:45

Have you tried getting a babysitter several times a month and going to do a hobby together or go out and have fun without the kids? Maybe introduce date night? Or book a spa weekend?

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SolidGoldBrass · 03/10/2014 22:48

Could you make some time to pursue a hobby of your own? YOu say he looks after the DC on Saturday - do you spend that time doing housework, or do you go out and do something?

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Bassnotreble · 04/10/2014 10:53

I can understand how he would be exhausted during the working week with all those hours out of the house. It sounds like a period of your life when you are on the treadmill of work, kids, sleep, work, kids, sleep with no time for the coupley stuff. It might be you can get through this stage but only you know if you can hang on in there.

This happened to me and it all broke down but now the dc are getting older I can see how we could have started getting some time back together and maybe we could have got through it.

The alternative, being on your own, is also hard.

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TantricShift · 04/10/2014 18:12

Thank you all for your kind responses. I often forget just how challenging life with young children can be and I can see that we are both under quite a bit of strain in our lives. He is a good man and I am guilty of wanting our carefree, child free life back and forgetting that we signed up for this parenting thing. I am going to look into getting back into some of my old hobbies like dancing and meditation as well as getting a babysitter for the first time in years so DH and I can have a meal together in peace. I know a few changes would make a world of difference.