I went NC with my mother approx 14 weeks ago now. I have been working through some things in my own mind; Anger, rage, hate, hurt, devastation. I have worked really hard to put all the bad memories that keep resurfacing into perspective.
I thought things were getting better, the amount of memories I was beginning to remember has slowed right down. Until today.
I have remembered something which I had forgotten. It is an awful memory. I feel physically sick over it and have cried lots this morning already over it. I am at work so this is highly embarrassing but I have a fab boss who has let me have an extra break to get myself together.
The memory is about an incident that happened when I was about 6-7 years old. We were living at my grandparents (mothers parents) as a whole family, mother, dad, brother and myself. it was a massive house (it had front and back stairs it was so big) My dad was out of the house, probably at work or the gym. My mother was in, her aunt, my great aunt (granddads sister) was also there. My brother (the golden child) was being a little shit and 'playing' mother up. I remember her shouting at me because he was being naughty. I specifically remember her saying to me "You should keep your brother in line, you are the eldest it is up to you" I remember thinking what does keep in line mean!!!!!
I can also remember saying to my brother "please stop, she will tell me off if you don't"
He didn't stop being naughty so mother went and got the male next door neighbour and asked him to "sort QueenVick out as she wont stop playing up and her dad is out" I can remember hearing her say this to him through the open door. I was crying by this point. My aunt told my mum to stop being so dramatic and that it was my brother who needed sorting out not me.
The neighbour came in and chased me up the front stairs. I was in my nightie, I had started running when I saw him jump over the wall separating our houses. He caught me at the top of the stairs, lifted my nightie and smacked my bottom hard, repeatedly until my great aunt pulled him off me. He had this huge smile on his face like he was enjoying it and more disturbingly so did my mother who was stood at the foot of the stairs smiling and laughing at what was happening.
My bottom was red raw, I can remember not being able to sit comfortably for a few days after that.
I told my dad when he got home and he asked mother about it and she denied the whole fucking thing. My great aunt even told him but he would not believe it or chose not to believe it probably.
I feel sick to my stomach that anyone would do that to a child, a child that hadn't even done anything wrong FGS. Even a child who is misbehaving doesn't deserve that kind of treatment.
I fucking hate my nasty, bitch of a mother. I detest my father more and more as the memories keep resurfacing.
I am so very, very scared of more resurfacing.
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Horrible memory after going NC with my so called mother!
QueenVick · 03/10/2014 11:10
I'm so sad for the little girl you who had to go through this, it is just so sad and unfair. But very impressed with the adult you, who can look back and overcome and go NC! Good luck with you day 
your boss sounds great!
queenvick I'm so sorry to hear this.
Have you got support systems round you? They are vital. Understanding partner helps a lot. Or a trusted close friend who is both honest and trustworthy.
On a practical level, make sure you eat nutritiously. It sounds such boring advice but it's significantly helpful. Also, exercise if you can. It keeps your body fit and you'll need to be able to rely on your health in the coming months. Eating well also helps your brain physiologically. Also if you go running or swimming hard or cycling or the gym, you can actually work some adrenaline off there. Coping with the strength of the anger is pretty difficult sometimes, exercise can help. Simple movement in itself. Also some people find that hitting a cushion helps or similar.
Most of all try to be gentle with yourself. Do the things you enjoy.
The memories will surface on their own, all too vividly. I'm afraid that life will probably not ever be quite the same again.
A lot of the awful effect of abuse is not only enduring it at the time, but facing that you are never quite the same person after that you would have been. Sometimes you're stronger in some ways, weaker in others.
Take care of yourself, queen
Thank you everyone, and for all the flowers 
I go to the gym, not as much as I should a couple of times a week maybe. I have also just started kickboxing classes and I love them 
I do however need to eat better, its so hard to get into the cycle of wanting to look after myself. My mother always told me either verbally or by her actions that I wasn't ever good enough to be looked after or to look after myself.
I had honestly never seen myself as abused. I was clothed and fed, there were times I was hungry and not allowed to eat though. My mother has issues with food and I have noticed that I am following that. It is not something that I want to pass on to my DD's either but I do have issues with food 
I am working at it though and I will get there, it will take me time but I am determined to.
I'm sorry to hear this 
I am in the same boat tho I have had counselling now but I think you have to look carefully into who you see for it to help - the best thing counselling gave me was that I was not just a cranky bitter bitch and dramatizing it (as my family had denied it all because it wasn't sexual abuse they think it wasn't abuse) and that what I experienced was full on child abuse - the validation from a professional was sooooo liberating - also I think you can get some counselling sessions on the NHS if your GP refers you
the flashbacks are truly horrendous I dread them and they are not getting any better I'm sorry to say
I went NC four years ago and it's been up and down
I'll be back to read more and chime in, sorry I haven't got time to write more at mo
Keep eating good stuff and be VERY kind to that little girl inside of you she deserved it xxx
Queen I am NC with my narc mum too, 4 years now. As much as you hate these memories surfacing, it is necessary for your healing. Your mind has tried it's best to protect itself from the trauma of your mum, but now that you have made the decision to go NC, it's as if your sub-conscious is saying 'oh thank God, I'm away from her, now I can purge the crap!' And it bubbles up like sludge from the deep dark depths of hell and you cry and cry and get angry and cry and get really fucking angry and cry some more. You are getting this sludge out of your festering wounds so you can heal. It's like grieving. Be kind to yourself and allow it all to come out when it does. Because it does get less painful when you let it out and then let time heal the wound cleanly.
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