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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How to argue/discuss/disagree like a grown up......

15 replies

TwoNoisyBoys · 02/10/2014 19:05

I think I've got a bit of problem with the above, as described in the title. My fella and I get on extremely well....we very rarely disagree as we have the same outlook and opinion on most things. However, when we DO disagree on something, I seem to go into a kind of 'shutdown' mode. We had a minor disagreement about something pretty unimportant today, and after I said what I thought and he responded, I fell silent, for the remainder if the car journey. When we got back to his, he said he didn't want to feel punished by my silent treatment, and that he hates me ignoring him but the truth is, in those I don't really know how to respond. He also said that I do this quite a lot, (which thinking back, I do) but I don't know how to overcome it. I know I look like a sulky child, and I want to stop.
I think the problem is, with my ex, if I moaned about something, or put a disagreeing point of view across, he'd shout at me, telling me to stop going on, or stop nagging, (with plenty of effing and blinding thrown in too) and as a result of this I used to become all mixed up with my words, or tongue-tied, so then I would just withdraw into myself to prevent further arguing. But the problem is, I still do it. I've forgotten how to 'argue' productively, if that makes sense? My current fella is lovely, and very understanding of everything I went through with my ex (physical and verbal abuse) but I need to learn how to do this for ME. I HATE sulkers, but I'm afraid that, without meaning to, I seem to look like one (even though it's not deliberate)
Anyone got any ideas what I can do to stop acting like this?

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Meerka · 02/10/2014 19:23

First off, tell your partner what's going on. Tell him you are lost for words, more than sulking. Explain why you find it hard, and that you know this is something you need to improve in.

maybe practise actually speaking your own pov with him? sounds silly but if it works, hey, why not try it. Even spark off a practise argument with something you disagree on but not too strongly? Or ask him to ask you what you think / feel after you've had a disagreement. It might help you speak up more.

When you do start to put your own point of view, remember to speak calm(ish)ly.

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TwoNoisyBoys · 02/10/2014 21:56

Thanks for your reply Meerka.....I have told him, and he's very good and understanding.....he reassures me that he'd never talk to me like that, and I believe and trust him, but I can't seem to shake off the way I behave and react. I annoy myself!

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whatdoesittake48 · 02/10/2014 22:46

I do this too and for similar reasons. My counsellor tells me it is fight, flight or freeze and I freeze. It is a legitimate thing to do when fearful. Arguing like a adult is not something I can do because I don't have the luxury of a place of safety to do it from. At least that is my feeling.
Counseling might help you to.

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Adarajames · 02/10/2014 22:58

You also need to consider how long you were in the abusive relationship and how long ago it was, and accept that you were conditioned in all that time to stay silent to protect yourself, so it's going to take a good amount if time to unlearn that, know you are safe and be able to overcome that natural reaction. Be gentle on yourself, and as pp says, counselling may indeed be useful

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TwoNoisyBoys · 03/10/2014 08:16

Thank you both.....it's indeed fight, flight or freeze, with me freezing!
I was in my other relationship for 16 years, (married for 10 of them, two DS's, been divorced for over two years) and have been in my current relationship for 18 months. Another problem is that I hate the way blaming my ex sounds I feel as though I'm bleating on "Oh poor me, my ex was horrible to me".....(even though he was, and if it was a friend that had been through it is also be telling her to be kinder on herself......)

Thank you so much for your replies.

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Meerka · 03/10/2014 09:26

Hrm 16 years is a very long time. The conditioning will run very deep.

twonoisy I think Mindfulness might help here. Yeah it's the in thing atm but there's a lot to it and for some people it's a very good thing and I think you might be one of them.

Mostly it's about paying attention to how you are feeling and reacting. If you are able to do that, to be fully aware of how you are reacting in an argument at a deep level and of your conditioning, it will give you a bigger chance to choose to react differently. to be able to make a choice on how to react at all.

Not explaining it very well maybe, but perhaps you could look it up?

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GoatsDoRoam · 03/10/2014 09:28

I understand your issue and have experienced that "freezing" (and continue to experience it, sometimes). It does shut down communication, so it is worth overcoming.

Something that has really helped me is learning and practising assertiveness techniques: be factual, use "I" statements, so that what you say cannot be taken as emotive or accusatory. And you can feel secure that what you are saying cannot be gainsaid, since you are expressing your own experience.

The way it was taught to me was to make your statements in 3 parts:

Describe the offending action, factually. ("DP, you ate the packet of biscuits I bought yesterday")
Use an "I" statement to explain how it makes you feel. ("I'm annoyed, because I was looking forward to eating one as a treat after my day at work")
State the behaviour you would like instead. ("I'd like you to leave some for me, and if you finish the packet, to replace it so I am not left without.")

You probably have a hard time expressing your needs, after your last relationship, and may be worried that speaking up for yourself will dissolve into a fight. It really doesn't have to be that way, and I'd recommend buying a coursebook in assertiveness techniques - they are really quite straightforward, and it's useful to have a template to fall back on when this stuff doesn't yet come naturally to you.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/10/2014 09:36

I think disagreeing takes practise, that's all. One technique I use with my DS is a type of 360 degree feedback often used in business. You can do this weekly, daily, whatever. You start two sentences about each other as follows....

'What I appreciate about you is.....' (and tell the other person something they've said or done that you've appreciated)
'What I'd like to be different is .....' (and this is your chance to highlight something you don't like) 'What I'd like to see more of/less of is....'

It sounds rather contrived written down like that but the effect is that you start a dialogue and learn to disagree in a calm and controlled way. You get used to showing appreciation & airing problems constructively before they reach the stage of high emotion you describe. Once you get into the habit, it becomes less artificial.

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TwoNoisyBoys · 03/10/2014 11:23

I definitely need to practise assertiveness.....I'm always fearful that if I argue, or disagree, then he'll dump me (I know I'm making yard sound terribly pathetic here....)
Any recommendations on books that might help me? And regarding the counselling....if this is a something I decide I'd like to pursue, how on earth would I start the ball rolling? Do I have to have a doctors recommendation? Do I just go to the doctor and say I think I need some help?

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TwoNoisyBoys · 03/10/2014 11:24

myself not yard....my phone does some strange autocorrections sometimes!!

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/10/2014 11:39

Assertiveness is risky. Expressing an opinion or standing up for yourself means risking causing offence. However, a life spent rolling over and keeping the peace has different risks, not least to your self-esteem and self-respect. 'Better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a lamb'.

If someone dumps you for being assertive, they weren't worth being with.

How to start the ball rolling on counselling and assertiveness training is - ironically - an exercise in assertiveness :) GP isn't a bad place to start or you can check out local private practitioners. Not 'I think I need some help'... but 'I demand some help'.

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FruitBasedDrinkForALady · 03/10/2014 11:49

I can empathise completely, TwoNoisyBoys, although my fear of confrontation/conflict comes from my own family rather than a partner. My Dad, who while a good man, is emotionally stunted, a workaholic and a petulant sulker. My two older siblings knocked seven shades of shite out of each other on a daily basis and my younger sibling was a very sickly child, so I was always "the good one" and the peace keeper. I have found it almost impossible to break the habits of a lifetime. I think/fear that if I so much as ask DH to pick up his socks he'll leave me. But I know he won't - he hasn't any time I have asked him, and he's not my Dad! I can't offer any advice, but I can share how you feel and hope that I'll be able to take on some of the advice being given here.

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Meerka · 03/10/2014 12:05

if you can afford private, the BACP is a good place to start (professional body of counsellors and therapists). I think there's another professional body too.

If you find a counsellor, make sure you ´click´ with her or him. Don't be afraid to say politely that you're not sure there was a click, and look for someone else.

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FruitBasedDrinkForALady · 03/10/2014 17:52

Two, I've been thinking about this thread all day, and I've realised it's the people I'm closest to that I find most difficult to disagree with. I went to a new bootcamp this morning and I was talking to him afterwards about the classes, etc. He was intent on converting me to a paleo diet to go with the classes. I don't want a paleo diet, I bloody love biscuits. But, because we have no emotional connection, and I hadn't even committed to going back to the class, I was able to have a perfectly reasonable difference of opinion with him and got him to back off. I have no idea how I can translate that into the DH sock discussion, but it's great to realise that I can do it!