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Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

(995 Posts)
surereadyforchange Wed 01-Oct-14 15:18:50

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

Fillybuster Wed 01-Oct-14 15:32:18

Copied from old thread:

OP, I couldn't read this without posting to send you love and support. I am absolutely blown away by your bravery in facing up to and dealing with your situation and am so glad you've had so much sensible advice on this thread.

Keep on, and keep at it. We might be 'strangers on the internet' but we're also real, and we're here, and we're rooting for you.

thanks cake brew

AnyFucker Wed 01-Oct-14 15:35:41

< bagsies the best locker >

EllasMum16 Wed 01-Oct-14 16:41:37

<jumps on the new thread>

Sootgremlin Wed 01-Oct-14 16:41:54

Like your new digs, sure

AnyFucker Wed 01-Oct-14 17:03:16

How's the anger doing, sure

Bubbling under nicely I hope

orangefusion Wed 01-Oct-14 17:16:19

Sparkly new thread for a sparkly new way of looking at it all sure. Yes I did indeed mean Shirley in the context of Naked gun I am glad the humour was picked up smile

Keep that anger warm, you will probably need it when he starts again. And in the meantime you can use it to spur you on to get help for you to build yourself up so no fucker like that can ever do that to you again.

NettleTea Wed 01-Oct-14 17:26:48

It is really positive that you are starting a new thread.
A new username and a new objective - now you are seeing what he is, and how to move forward

LoisPuddingLane Wed 01-Oct-14 17:33:58

Lovely new thread. I'll get a corkscrew.

longtallsally2 Wed 01-Oct-14 17:39:30

Checking in too smile

<Waves to Sure>

KateeGee Wed 01-Oct-14 17:53:49

Hi sure, nice fresh start!

Glad you are getting angry, this is a big page turned

PlumpPartridge Wed 01-Oct-14 18:14:16

Checking in smile

tipsytrifle Wed 01-Oct-14 18:31:06

Am I being a silly old so-&-so for smile-crying at the shift from abject misery to ferocious feisty-ness? Well done, sure

PacificDogwood Wed 01-Oct-14 19:20:42

Oh, I am so delighted to find you in new digs and angry grin - I am a very peace loving person, really, but finding your righteous rage at 'him' will give you oodles of energy and confidence, hopefully.

Keep on being angry at 'him', rather than trying to find fault with yourself.

surereadyforchange Wed 01-Oct-14 20:46:05

Hello, hope you've all had a good day. I've had a busy one.

Fillybuster thank you so much, I don't feel brave, I feel like a mess! Thanks for rooting for me.

orangefusion oh good, glad I got it!!

Tipsytrifle smile thank you

Pacific I too am pretty peace-loving, but on occasion things just push me that little bit too far. Perhaps it was spending time with DrainWoman that ramped up the stress and its starting to come out!! grin

I was re-reading the accusatory bits in the messages he sent me on fb before I blocked him, and saw he'd changed his picture (dunno why the little icon came up if he's blocked) to a pic I took of him. I don't know why but it just summoned the scorn.
He honestly thinks he's gods fucking gift, because women are always commenting on his looks - my friends used to say I was weird because to me he was never that great- it seems to be personalities I find attractive.

He hasn't contacted me today, as far as I know.
DrainWoman has, and I just don't know what to say.
Quite like to say, I really don't feel I want to see you any more after the relentless moaning, bitching, racism, sexism and criticism at the weekend I am still recovering and I don't have space in my life for it.
I feel like I am being mean.
Friend from old college course contacted me though and the difference is amazing!

I googled it and if I reported him for rape, and he got convicted, he'd probably go to prison.

PacificDogwood Wed 01-Oct-14 20:54:07

I don't have space in my life for it.
You could skip the first bit and just go for this?
Although you'd be justified to use the first bit… wink

I googled it and if I reported him for rape, and he got convicted, he'd probably go to prison
I have no idea about the legalities, but good.

Adarajames Wed 01-Oct-14 21:16:48

Good on you! Great new anger from you smile Do it, report him for rape, he deserves to be locked up whilst you move on to your new life full of fun and enjoyment and people that are as lovely to you as you deserve them to be flowers

surereadyforchange Wed 01-Oct-14 22:27:30

It feels like I'm being vindictive.

Jux Wed 01-Oct-14 22:41:07

You're not being vindictive at all. If he has broken the law, then he should get whatever a Court decides; and he has broken the law. There's nothing vindictive about it, it's just straightforward logic.

Maybe you could reply to your friend (what did she say, when she contacted you just now?) and say "after the relentless moaning, bitching, racism, sexism and criticism at the weekend I am astonished to hear that you enjoyed it at all, let alone wanting to repeat it. I will need quite a long time before I can face it again."

surereadyforchange Thu 02-Oct-14 07:34:20

Jux- DrainWoman just said hi, how are you? Kind of thing.

I have just thought, I will need time off uni on Monday to go to the WA appointment. I need to request time off, from head of programme. I don't know whether to tell the truth to her or not, I don't want to seem like a victim, unprofessional, incapable, weak etc. I worry that it will impact on how I am viewed as a student/professional.
Does anyone have any advice?

PacificDogwood Thu 02-Oct-14 07:45:21

If you can face it, tell her - it can be really quite empowering to 'come out' IYKWIM. Be honest. "I am in the process of leaving an abusive relationship, I have an appointment with WA after having spoken to the police".
Take control back. Don't let 'him' dictate what happens now - he did this, not you; he should be ashamed (but won't be, of course), not you.
If you feel you can, tell her.

FunkyBoldRibena Thu 02-Oct-14 07:53:40

Hi love. Nice shiny new thread.

Here's the thing about rape.

Sticking your fingers and penis into someone else, repeatedly, without their permission, is a vile thing to do. Who in their right mind actually thinks they are so untouchable that they can do this with no comeback?

If you want to avoid prison, I'd suggest that stopping raping people might be a start.

You owe him nothing.

And yes, in answer to your previous question, do not be totally convinced that your so called friend wasnt there scoping you out for him. They might not hate each other as much as they pretend they do.

Walkacrossthesand Thu 02-Oct-14 08:04:45

Hi sure, I've been lurking but just wanted to say - following on from Ribena's observation - I'm wondering if DrainWoman is in fact a 'flying monkey', being sent in by your ex to make contact on his behalf. Wouldn't be surprised if she starts with the 'I saw him and he looks sooo awful, he really misses you' stuff - be prepared and stay strong.

tipsytrifle Thu 02-Oct-14 08:16:41

Funky has it right, I believe. This weird not-friend really seems to cling-on at surprisingly apropos moments. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if they have a rather more specific connection going on.

Maybe you could end it with her by using one of the suggested messages above. She will, given the chance, continue to abuse your gentle nature with her offensive opinions. Say NO to her. You don't need to explain. You could simply say, by text, "This is enough. Go away. Do not contact me again."

I also think that rapists should be dealt with by the law. People doing wrong is why law was invented. To stop them doing what society disapproves of. Society says NO. Could you try to do the same? There was a time when rape was not a crime in the UK. That time is gone.

Tell your HoD the truth about why you need some time off, please.

Sootgremlin Thu 02-Oct-14 08:28:17

In my experience University staff are usually very good on the pastoral care side of things, I'm assuming you're campus based, because with students living away from home they see the whole spectrum of personal problems arise at some point or other. I would be surprised if anyone in such a role would be anything other than sympathetic to your situation.

I think it helps to protect men who do these things to characterise women as vindictive. It seems to me that it is a term I most commonly hear applied to women when they tell the truth about a man's behaviour, especially if that behaviour has consequences for the man, like prison, losing his job, not seeing his children. It places the blame on the woman and frames the man as the true victim. So if you feel vindictive for reporting him it is probably because there is a lot of heavy conditioning at work, on women in general, not just you. Not wanting to be seen to rock the boat or cause trouble.

I'm waffling! I think you should only do what you feel comfortable with, but don't make the decision based on a misplaced sense of guilt, you are not responsible for his behaviour, he is. You would be completely justified in simply telling the truth about it.

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