Am I controlling? Bit long.

[Mynewname1]

Hi guys.....changed my name for this but I'm a regular so don't hate me!

Ok here's the story......

Split with my long term partner (5years) whome I have a 3 year old, we've been apart about 6months now. The split was pretty amicable and because at the end I was very unhappy I moved out (my house) in order to have some resolution in a reasonable amount of time, didn't want to have to live together for ages once we'd decided to slpit.

Untill now everything has been quite good between myself and my ex, as we are both in similar situations work work wise and little one is happy at nursery and being looked after by grandparents we have basically split parenting between us. I have my son 7nights out of 14, niether of us thought it necessary to give up work ect.

From a financial point of view, I have been paying for my son while he's with me and his mother has been doing the same while with her..Seems fair? I've had to rent a property, like I said she is living in my property (rent free) which I inherited many years ago (over10). I earn about 7 thousand a year more than she does.
Just to clarify, when we lived together there was no mortgage to pay, I paid all the bills. My ex often bought the shopping though it wasn't unheard of for me to pay for the shop. We split paying for holidays ect and always controlled our own money. I'm currently still paying all the bills on the property, which can't go on forever as I can't afford it.

So coming back to the present, over the last month or so my ex has been asking me what is happening with the house (fair enough). I've given it a lot of thought and have made the offer that she can live there untill my son is 18 (rent free), she would have to take the bills on.
The reason I made the offer was that I don't want to move back there as I don't want the memories (good and bad) and I know it could effect my son who has already had to deal with too much, by that I mean his parents not being together and having to get used to my new home.
My ex seemed very keen on the idea so I thought all was good, I told her that I would get a lease drawn up to make it official.

So I went to a solicitor and they advised me against such a long lease although I said it was what I wanted. They also posed the question of other people moving in ie; if my ex meets someone else. So basically I've had a clause put in the lease which prevents anyone else other than my ex and my son living in the property without my consent.

My ex had gone balistic about the clause and said I'm trying to control her future. This isn't the case and I genuinely wish her the best. I tried to explain that I woudn't object to someone moving in but before it happens we would need to re-evaluate the situation. I've said that she doen't have to take my offer and is welcome to move out once she sorts something out. I've never put a time line on that.

Basically my fear is that down the line my ex moves someone in and I end up subsidising another man. For instance a guy could move in with my ex and rent out his own property and make money out of living in my house. Just the fact that there is no rent means that someone who moves in would save alot of money.

I really don't know what to do, I thought things were going well but now my ex is threatening to quit work, move out and look after my son full time so I would only have him at weekends. And I'm being controlling!!

Any advice welcome.

[SeaSaltMill]

I don't think its controlling at all I think its perfectly fair and actually, more than most would get when they split from a partner.

Its true that if she met someone and moved him in he would be living there for free and like you say, this set up is to ensure your son's future, not hers.

[seasavage]

If she feels controlled by the situation perhaps it would be better to sell the place to avoid it being a continuing issue between you.

I think the set up and clause are OK (but perhaps it'd be better to review with an intention to rent should she have a partner in the future) but it seems as though she's quite angry still.
Severing as much as I could financially from my ex finally turned our communications to civil.

[Shakey1500]

I think it's fair, upon first reading. If she objects she could always buy or rent her own place.

[kaykayblue]

No you are being very fair. Too fair to be honest.

Take your rent. Now divide it in half. Then charge her whatever that amount is as rent to stay in the house with the child (and obviously she pays her own bills).

You shouldn't be working at a loss here. If you were at home then you wouldn't be paying rent and she would be. Getting her to pay half of your rent in order to keep separate living accomodation for the two of you is perfectly fair - especially since you are both working.

No, you shouldn't have to subsidise her life with another man. No, that isn't controlling.

The only way forward really is for her to share the costs of your rent, and for her to remain living alone whilst you are subsidising her living situation.

You could also swap, so you live in the house, and subsidise half her rent.

The problem is when one of you decide you want to move in with someone else. In which case it's not fair for either of you to be subsidising a dual income household.

Personally, I think you would be better off moving back into the house, subsidising half her rent (with a pre agreed rent ceiling - whatever seems reasonable), and having an agreement that this situation will stop when she wants to start living together with, or having someone staying over very regularly in her home.

It's the only way to make sure that you aren't going to get screwed over.

Yes, the house might have lots of good/bad memories, but you can make new memories in the house and it's amazing what some new paint and different furniture can do.

It won't impact your son. If he is spending his time half and half with you two anyway, then provided someone stay in the house, then that isn't going to change.

[MrsJuice]

Totally fair and reasonable.

[Quitelikely]

You are being very, very fair. I think you should insist on the clause tbh. If she won't sign it then I think you need to give her a few months to find somewhere else to live.

[strawberryshoes]

This is not controlling in my opinion, she can, at anytime, decide to move out and so it is not as if you are telling her she can never have another relationship, just that you will only be providing a home for her and your son, not her, your son and her new man.

[strawberryshoes]

I should say if and when she finds one, I made it sound like she was waiting to ship someone in immediately!

If she doesn't like the clause, she needs to start saving now, and move out as soon as she can, so she does not feel so "controlled"

[wafflyversatile]

I'm guessing to her this looks like you are trying to control her future relationships or be obstructive to her getting together with another man. Maybe what she is hearing is 'you're not allowed to move another man in with my child'? Whereas it is actually just sensible to have something in there to be able to reassess the situation in the future.

Dunno what to advise. Her living in that house until your child is 18 is not the only option.

Maybe you could talk some more and decide between you what works best whether in the short-term with a reassesment or long-term.

[Mynewname1]

I really don't mind her living there rent free, it gives her more money to spend on our son. The property I'm renting has an option to buy so in 12 months if I still like living there and I do now, I could buy my place and end up owning 2 properties....Which was actually the plan with my ex, to buy another property as an investment.

How do I make her realise it's a fair offer and I don't wan't to control her? I've tried to explain that in th event she wants to move someone in we can talk about it and they can start paying some rent.
She says she can't expect that of someone straight away and that a new partner might not want to "line her ex's pockets"

[loloftherings]

Of course not, what does she expect?
You'll be contributing for your son no doubt and she wants a free ride for the next however many years.
Must be nice, she can move a new feller in and live very cheaply.

[loloftherings]

She doesn't want her new man lining your pockets, but she's ok with you lining his?
Once a new man is on the scene I doubt she'll be as reasonable with you as she is now.

[wafflyversatile]

I don't understand the 'straight away' bit. If you move in you start contributing straight away.


If she wants to live with a future partner then you reassess the situation. If you were to sell the house now, split the profit then she wants to move in with someone in the future then she'd have to reassess those circumstances too.

[wafflyversatile]

Once a new man is on the scene I doubt she'll be as reasonable with you as she is now.

This. so it is important to sort this out now.

[saintlyjimjams]

Has she taken legal advice? I'd advise her to take the contract & go and get independent legal advice. Hopefully her solicitor would tell her to stop being so stupid & she has a good deal on offer.

Getting independent legal advice is wise anyway - and she can't say a solicitor contracted by her is being controlling.

[Mynewname1]

Just to clarify the house is mine and she doen't have any claim on.

If she moves out she'd have to rent or buy with her own money. Don't know how that would effect me, maybe she would want maintenance or something but I feel like I'd doing my bit re; our son.

[skyeskyeskye]

I think that it is a fair and quite normal thing for a solicitor to suggest. i was told by both my financial advisor and my solicitor, that if XH had staked his claim on the house and his share was held until DD was 18, that a clause is usually applied that it is until the youngest DC reaches 18, or the XW co-habits or remarries. So you are just doing a similar thing.

I can see how it looks to her, that you are saying that she can't have another partner living there, but it is a fairly standard thing when a house is involved. Like you say, why should you subsidise any future partners of hers. If she met somebody else, then you would think that she may want to move into somewhere new with them.

The clause could say something like rent free unless she cohabits with somebody or takes in a paying lodger, in which case market rent would be applied (maybe with a discount if you felt so inclined).

How much Child Maintenance would you have to pay if you weren't paying her rent? How do the two compare? She is probably far better off living rent free than by moving out and getting CM from you.

[Twitterqueen]

I don't think you can get round it unfortunately - simply because you are ex's.

As others have said, you are being more than fair and reasonable.
I know you said you don't want to live there, but could you rethink this? If you lived there your son would be in familiar surroundings (though let's face it he's only 3 so it won't matter too much if he's in a new place).

You then give your ex £xxx pounds a month maintenance / rent for a different property. Then if she does have a new partner they can choose to move on, get a bigger place etc (and he may have chldren as well).

It doesn't immediately solve your buy-to-let plan, but you could maybe wait a few months before going ahead with that?

[Twinklestein]

This is a crazy idea OP, and one that ties you to aggravation for a very long time. Just get your house back, redecoration or renovation will get rid of the memories.

[RiverTam]

I don't want to upset you, but is there a chance that there's someone on the scene now? Was there a OM?

It sounds like you're being very fair but possibly too fair and veerying into being a bit of a mug. I would absolutely get it sorted sooner rather than later with your options being (if not selling the house) that she either starts paying the market rate rent (in which case she can move in who she likes as long as the rent is paid), or agrees with what you have suggested and re-evaluates as and when.

[Mynewname1]

I don't know anything about maintenance, we've never spoken about it even when she mentioned about getting her own place. Like I said, we both earn similar amounts (me a little more). Obviously if she does move out I'd pay what I was told to but frankly I think I'm doing my bit. I'm not a rich man!

[peasandlove]

Wow I think you're than looking after her. I've never heard of such generosity tbh.

[Catzeyess]

I think you should live the house yourself and if you have 50/50 time with your son then he will still spend the same amount of time in the house without added complications.

[peasandlove]

What if you were to meet someone else and have a family. Wouldn't you want to live in your house?

[Mynewname1]

I don't think she has anyone else and I wouldn't be too upset if she did! She's always been very sensible so I can't see her wanting to move someone in know that it would be very strange for our son (this quickly).

The reason I need to be able to stop someone else moving in and living there rent free is me trying not to be a mug!