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Really regret how I lost my virginity

(26 Posts)
wishingwontwork Tue 30-Sep-14 15:02:56

First of all apologies if it's in the wrong section please move if appropriate. Also I name changed.

Does anyone else really regret how/when they lost their virginity? I lost mine aged 15 and a half, and it's only really now at age 28 that I am regretting it massively. I wasn't even in a relationship with the guy, he'd been my crush since I was a tween, I thought I was so "in love" with him that when he started paying me attention and texting, I just got carried away as the giddy teen that I was. It wasn't forced or anything and I knew it was going to happen. I made sure we took precautions so I wasn't totally irresponsible. It wasn't an unpleasant experience but it definitely was not special, looking back he didn't care for me or respect me at ALL (he was 19). And I wasn't ready emotionally. We then met up regularly for a few months, he just used me for sex really.
I am now in the most amazing, perfect, secure relationship the best I've ever had (sorry, un-mumsnet mush) and I think it's this that's made me realise how relationships really should be and what I had back then was awful. I had no self-respect sad

I know we can't change the past, but I so wish I could go back and just wait until I had the right person even if that had meant I was in my twenties before I did it.

Can anyone help me put this into perspective or reassure me I'm not the only one who stuffed up like this? All my friends had perfect first-times and some are even still with that partner.

HumblePieMonster Tue 30-Sep-14 15:11:08

No, I have no regrets because what you understand about virginity, after its gone, is that its no big deal.

People shouldn't be forced or coerced, but if they decide freely to shag, there's nothing to regret.

The idea that it should be some wonderful, romantic, event is just stuff that young girls read in magazines. Its a beginners activity. Did you learn to walk without falling over? Did you learn to ride a bike (no pun intended) without falling off?

Its ok. Its gone. You made a decision. In a different time and place you might have made a different decision. That's fine. Either way is fine.

fluffyraggies Tue 30-Sep-14 15:11:40

Very similar to you OP. I was 14 and he was 18. It was out of pure curiosity that i went along with it.

I was bored solid. My 14 year old self had no idea what to expect and from my perspective it just went on and on and on and ..... half way through i was laying thinking up excuses for failing to do the maths homework i'd been set for the next day. I swear.
At the end he uttered the words: ''Do you wanna go skating next Friday''. hmm

Oh the romance.

(We argued and split up at the ice rink)

I would have loved my first time to have been better. However i was who i was back then and i did what i did. It could have been worse. It's ancient history. Don't fret about it now OP flowers

hellsbellsmelons Tue 30-Sep-14 15:11:55

Of course the majority of us didn't really do it properly the first time.
You can't 'regret' it though.
It happens. We've all done it. None of us are mature enough unless we wait unil well into our 20's.
It's life. It's a learning experience.
Don't dwell on it.
You've got exactly what you want now and your past experience has taught you that this is great. Embrace and appreciate it.
So pleased you have found this lovely relationship. We all deserve it! Just takes some us time to get there, that's all.

irulethisworld Tue 30-Sep-14 15:12:47

Agree it's no big deal.
I don't see how he used you.
You both made a choice, then split up later. It happens.
However, in your case, you were underage, so technically couldn't consent.

FrazzledMC2 Tue 30-Sep-14 15:15:08

I'm like the second poster. I didn't consider that Virginity in itself was something that made ME any more valuable.

But it was my choice to sleep with the boy I slept with. I didn't feel trashed afterwards, but 'special', hmm, perfunctory is the word I've seen in magazines that would describe it. I never think of it tbh. They say you never forget your first but tbh I never try to remember it so I pretty much have forgotten it!

TonbridgeTammy Tue 30-Sep-14 15:19:02

Hey there

I list my virginity to a friends brother when I was 14.5. It was planned and I did it because I was curious. He was not my boyfriend and to be honest I didn't particularly fancy him, I'd 'got off' with him a few times and basically the offer was there so I took it. Terrible decision but I think I thought I was being very grown up. It wasn't very nice, clothes still on, hurt a bit and I was left thinking 'what was all the fuss about'. I didn't regret it at the time but as I got older I realised that it may have had much more of an impact than I thought. As you say, you cannot change what happened and you must have a particularly blessed set of friends because not one of my friends had the perfect first time experience - I don't think many people do. Most people lose their virginity when they are incredibly immature so really your experience is 'nirmal'. I'm in my 40s now and in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter. What matters is here and now. Be kind to yourself.

Mammanat222 Tue 30-Sep-14 15:22:51

I lost my virginity to my OH, it was shit!

We had a 10 year break between seeing each other as teenagers and adults though and we both got a lot better at the sex during that time LOL

Life is too short for regrets, there was no real issue other than you feeling a bit used so I guess its time to move on.

Just know when you have a daughter you can offer her the wisdom to wait for love etc..

(incidentally I was madly in love with my OH as a teenager - as he was with me - we were just both very inexperienced)

partyskirt Tue 30-Sep-14 15:27:29

I did it the romantic way - lost it to my first love when I was 18 after waiting several months. We went on to have a three year relationship. However, I still feel sad about it, as we parted acrimoniously and are no longer friends.

I think it's just nostalgia and a kind of sad regret for the past that everyone has, particularly when they find themselves truly happy.

wishingwontwork Tue 30-Sep-14 15:27:55

thankyou MN'ers, i feel much better after getting that out and reading the replies and knowing i wasn't the only one!

UpduffedFatty Tue 30-Sep-14 15:29:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

freshlysharpenedpencils Tue 30-Sep-14 15:31:35

I have never regretted it - though it was painful ... I was just about 18 and we were in love and he was my first bf and was always a lovely person. Still think of him fondly. I do however really regret my first marriage. The most stupid ridiculous mistake I ever made... But then if it hadn't happened - I wouldn't be with my wonderful lovely man now.

Legionofboom Tue 30-Sep-14 15:34:56

I agree with others that it really isn't that important in the scheme of things.

Remember, when you look back, you are looking with over a decade more life experience. When this happened you were not the person that you are now. Be glad that you have learnt what a relationship should be like and grown as a person during that time.

Be gentle and understanding toward the 'you' that made those choices. You didn't 'stuff up', you did what you thought was right at the time.

CuttedUpPear Tue 30-Sep-14 15:36:51

Many peoples' first sexual experience may have been against their wishes.

Be grateful that yours wasn't and that you have such a good relationship now.

FrazzledMC2 Tue 30-Sep-14 15:47:44

Also, OP, my first bf was gay. I was about 17-18. I would have lost my v-reg a lot sooner if my first bf hadn't been gay I guess.

I told a recent bf that I just thought he really respected me! I hadn't realised he was gay confused my recent bf thought it was funny, and cute that I could have been so innocent. But at the time it was like a year long rejection that I couldn't understand, so for me, looking back on that period, it was the year long 'not tonight josephine' at such a formative age that left a mark on me. I felt very unattractive as a woman for a long time. I felt that somebody was taking the piss if they found me attractive.

loloftherings Tue 30-Sep-14 16:22:55

I'm male, when I was 18 I was seeing a girl, casually, who was 15 (nearly 16).
After a couple of weeks she got a friend to ask me if I was gay since I hadn't tried it on with her (because a) it was only 2 weeks and b) she was underage).
I wasn't her first.

itsbetterthanabox Tue 30-Sep-14 16:37:18

It's disgusting that a 19 year old was having sex with a child. I'd be angry about that. Apart from that virginity doesn't matter.

TonbridgeTammy Tue 30-Sep-14 16:43:43

Helpful *it's better than*hmm

Seriouslyffs Tue 30-Sep-14 18:01:52

You could look at it that you are exactly where you are now, in such a good place because that early experience made you realise what you need from a relationship and not settle for less.
FWIW I lost mine to a sweet boy I was in a relationship for 2 years and then tired of blush
If anything I wish I'd slept with the 'random' I'd met on a revision course a few months earlier!

itsbetterthanabox Tue 30-Sep-14 18:14:42

Tonbridge why is bad to point out she was taken advantage of? Is it better to live pretending that's ok?

Cakecrumbsinmybra Tue 30-Sep-14 18:23:54

OP, under the circumstances you describe I do not think it is "disgusting". I'm with a couple of others on this thread - I don't regret the first time (and Tonbridge, I see where you are coming from, but I was 16 and with someone older than 19 - is this disgusting?) as we were in a long term relationship and went on to live together, etc, but I DO regret other sexual encounters since.

Cakecrumbsinmybra Tue 30-Sep-14 18:24:40

Sorry, itsbetterthan, not tonbridge!

TonbridgeTammy Tue 30-Sep-14 18:32:13

You have me confused with someone else cake crumbs

... your point is unnecessary it's better than the op is already feeling wobbly and you barge in with your brash declarations of 'disgusting'. What the op needs is someone who can empathise not someone with a cat's bum mouth who makes her feel even shittier.

itsbetterthanabox Tue 30-Sep-14 18:34:48

I don't judge her at all. She's the victim. I think that could possibly be a big part of why she feels so bad, being taken advantage of but feeling like it was your fault it a horrible feeling. I've been there myself. Accepting that I was a child and should have been respected was a big part of healing.

TonbridgeTammy Tue 30-Sep-14 18:37:35

OK point taken but perhaps take the time to say all that you said in your last post first ... being gentle is more effective

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