Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

making love

(37 Posts)
clattnow23 Wed 24-Sep-14 11:50:00

we do not make love any more I went off it due to being too sore. It is extremely painful. I also do not eat during the day only at tea-time and during the day find life very lonely my husband goes out to work but he also ventures out without me at times to walk in the hills by himself. He leaves me with the dog. I miss my mum as she used to include me. I exercise every day all day. I am far too thin went to see the doctor who was useless. I would like a friend whom I can confide in. I am in Scotland

overslept Wed 24-Sep-14 12:11:48

I live in Wales. Went walking in the hills the other day with my other half, could you not go with your DP and take the dog too?

Is there the possibility of you going back to work even part time? Only though if that is something you think you would enjoy and make friends through.

As for the exercise and eating you need better help. Do you have self referral there to a community mental health team in your area? Here you can self refer which is brilliant as GP's are useless with things like this. I struggled for years but I am a healthy weight now even though I still have days where I have issues or can have smaller episodes brought on by stress. I found for me it was the usual body issues but combined with using it as a coping mechanism, it became something I do to feel like I have some control when things seem too much and are out of my hands.

You have listed a fair few issues there for such a short post. I think taking care of yourself will be the first step and when you are in a stronger position you can start to reevaluate other aspects of your life that you want to change or address. Hope you get some better responses OP. flowers

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Wed 24-Sep-14 12:18:30

Firstly, I am very sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time at the moment flowers.

It sounds as though you should see a Dr. You mention three issues of concern - one being that sex should not be painful. The second being your eating & the third being your continuous exercising.

You do also sound depressed, which is perfectly natural - have you ever suffered with depression before? Would you consider speaking to a professional about the things you feel are wrong in your life? There are some great counsellors about, your GP should be able to refer you.

Good luck xxx

Granville72 Wed 24-Sep-14 14:10:08

How old are you OP and do you not work?

Sex should not be painful (unless he's being rough and / or you're not aroused).

You need to see a GP. How long has all this been going on, is it something recent or a long time now?

Are you unable to talk to your husband about any of this? He must be aware that something is not right.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Wed 24-Sep-14 14:19:07

If you are only eating one meal a day you mustn't exercise all day. No wonder you're too thin.

When you went to the doctor did you see him/her about the weight or the painful sex, or both? As mentioned, intercourse should not be painful so if it is, no wonder you've gone off it.

clattnow23 Wed 24-Sep-14 16:45:44

Thank you BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted, thank you Granville,Overslept, and SantaslittleMonkeybutler,

Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful messages. You are all great. May I say what a wonderful response.

I will try to answer your questions. I have been to the doctor many times they gave me cream and tablets but could not find anything wrong. They told me it is the menopause. I am 47 years old my husband is the same age as me as we were born in the same year. He is not rough he is a very nice gentle person. I do not feel aroused as it is like razor blades but enjoyable ones. My husband does know about it he uses vasoline to help but it does not always help. You are right it is off putting and so I only do it to please him. I do not want to loose him. Though yes he does go off by himself. Yes I could go with him but sometimes I find it a bit difficult as the walking can be up mountains of 3,000 feet munroes and ten hours long. Too long for my little dog who has cancer. She though is as fit as flea. I know I should not exercise all day but do that to fill in the bordem and slience. I am not able to work due to health problems. There is a group in my area called Neads who deal with eating problems it is just I am scared to death of going to a healthy weight. I have been a healthy weight before but did not like it too much. I will try and get help you are all very kind. Thank you. Clattnow23.

Gina111 Wed 24-Sep-14 20:01:04

Have you suffered from an eating disorder earlier in your life? Do you still get periods? Your other problems may be related to the effects of your eating problem. It is worrying that you did not like being a healthy weight. It is usually possible to self refer to an eating disorder service if your doctor has not realised the severity of the problem. Does you husband or mother know about your feelings around eating and weight? Who is around to support you?

Granville72 Thu 25-Sep-14 13:50:43


I don't think Vaseline will help with things during sex. You need a proper lubrication for use during sex. Durex do a very good one amongst others. Obviously if you are not aroused that will not help either. Your husband needs to spend plenty of time arousing you and getting the engine warmed up so to speak before trying any penetration.

I'd go back to your GP, see a female one if you can. Maybe consider some hormone replacement treatment if it's the menopause. Vitabiotics do a very good range for women and the menopause think it's called Menopace.

Are there any clubs, groups or anything you can get along to so you're not so isolated and alone, maybe some coffee mornings, gardening club, book get the idea. It will also get you out of the house and preventing you from exercising.

Wish I was closer to lend an ear and support. Have you tried the Mumsnet local pages to see if anyone is near you or things going on?

colafrosties Thu 25-Sep-14 15:27:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

overslept Thu 25-Sep-14 17:58:06

The eating does need to be addressed, if you can't cope with the thought of gaining weight please make sure you take multivitamins and calcium tablets. You need to be getting all the nutrients your body needs even if it isn't through the ideal way of eating balanced meals. The calcium is really important.

I second everybody who has suggested lube. I also can suggest lidocaine cream, it can be used by men who suffer premature ejaculation but also to help with painful sex for women. It comes in 2% and 5%. I suggest the stronger one. It will have an impact on your orgasms if you orgasm vaginally but if you or have a clitoral orgasm just be very careful when applying that you avoid that area. It takes about an hour to numb you and lasts for about 3 hours, once you get used to it and find the right amount to use and right areas then it is fantastic but only good if you still mentally enjoy sex but just struggle with the discomfort. If you speak to a gp they may prescribe but I have ordered online before without prescription.

Is there any social activity you enjoy of friends you could spend time with during the day?

pinkfrocks Thu 25-Sep-14 19:43:57

you need prescribed oestrogen cream from your GP. Don't be embarrassed- it's a common problem. Other things like lubricants won't do the job. You need oestrogen cream to take your vagina back to how it was pre-meno. Lubes are just watery- they don't actually make any difference to the tissues.
Please see your GP and also pop over to the menopause forum here on MN or go to for advice and join their forum.

pinkfrocks Thu 25-Sep-14 19:45:52

overslpet I know you mean well, but having to numb yourself to have sex is not the answer! The solution is the right treatment- oestrogen cream used twice a week, for life- even old ladies of 80 use it to keep their bits from hurting whether they are having sex or not.
I wish this was given more publicity so women understood how common it is but also how easy it is to get help- and sort it.

DoctorTwo Thu 25-Sep-14 20:04:30

I was going to respond to the eating disorder but holy hell Lidocaine? Really? Fucking hell, that's just wrong. angry

clattnow my DD is recovering from an eating disorder. This was possibly due to the verbal abuse her mother got from her then partner, who criticised her body shape, making DD anxious about hers. It took a while for her to acknowledge she had a problem after her mother kicked the wanker to the kerbbut with counselling and support from family she slowly got better. She now celebrates wfter putting a pound on and is happy.

My suggestion: try counselling, try CBT, try anything that has the potential to get around your revulsion of your younger body. You can do it. You posted here for help, and admitting you need help is the bravest step.

overslept Thu 25-Sep-14 22:21:44

Just wrong? Erm, if you have issues down there that cannot be addressed through normal things then it is fine. It allows you to enjoy sex, you are imagining something totally numb but you are so far from right it is shocking. As I said in my post before, so long as MENTALLY you want sex, there is nothing wrong with numbing discomfort. Yes you can still climax. You are suggesting that taking pain killers for a head ache before an enjoyable activity is any different.
Google is your friend. Anybody who would like to research this, see how common it is and how much it can improve things. I'm in no way suggesting anybody numbs themselves as a way to get it over with, it just prevents discomfort and leads to better sex if you have these issues. No harm in that in my opinion as long as you are comfortable with sex in general and want to continue.

pinkfrocks Thu 25-Sep-14 22:45:07

Overslept it's bad advice from a medical/health point of view.
This might be TMI but I think you need to read it! You need to google vaginal atrophy.
After the menopause - or during- the vagina can dry out and shrink, eventually, sometimes lengthways and widthways too. It can even bleed and become sore without having sex. The tissues become very fragile. Not all women experience this but the stats are something like 70%.

If someone has sex and is numbed by using a cream as you're suggesting they won't be able to feel the discomfort at the time- but by God they will when the numbing wears off. A women with vaginal atrophy may be torn internally as a result of having sex while numbed but afterwards there will be extreme discomfort - like having sex with no arousal/foreplay.

pinkfrocks Thu 25-Sep-14 22:50:10

..and as before- the answer is not a cream to numb the area but the right treatment from a dr, to restore the elasticity and lubrication - plus very gentle sex to get it all back to normal.The treatment may take several weeks to make a real difference.

OP if you are reading please see your dr again and continue with the creams you were given. Over the counter lubricants are not going to help.
Good luck flowers

overslept Thu 25-Sep-14 22:52:17

But the OP has said that they have been to the GP who found no issues, and that they have used prescription cream and tablets without it helping.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Thu 25-Sep-14 23:01:06

Clattnow I can't advise you on your physical comfort but other people have already answered that.

You sound very sad and also lonely to me and that can also affect your attitude towards sex even if you love your partner.
If you're exercising all day then you sound very disciplined to me, I wonder if making yourself a timetable might help you. Perhaps you could think about scheduling your mealtimes, keep what you eat very light so that it'll be acceptable to you and schedule exercise of different types but for set times with breaks.

Do you live in or near a town or village, are you near a park? perhaps you could make a fixed time to go out of the house and take your dog for a long but gentle walk and hopefully see other friendly faces.

I imagine you're in a rut and on a bit of a downward spiral, not being sure how to change things.
Think about attending the Neads group even if you just go along and listen to other people. Investigate if there's a Well Woman clinic or Family Planning where you could go and speak about your discomfort rather than going back to the unsympathetic doctor.

Little steps. That's what you need. Just take little steps and keep on trying.
I hope that helps a bit thanks

pinkfrocks Fri 26-Sep-14 07:20:42

overslept I did read that- but it's not always so straightforward- sometimes a higher dose is needed, sometimes the treatment can take 3 months or more to work, sometimes women give up too soon on the treatments and expect the cream to work like a lube.....
the answer is to ask for more help from the dr, not to use a numbing cream when the vagina has shrunk, is sore and delicate.

OP if you are reading and have been using oestrogen cream and taking HRT and it's not helped, then you must go back to your dr and ask for more help- maybe the dosage is not right yet , but you have to use the cream for several weeks often for it to be effective, and you need your DH to be very gentle until you get used to sex again.

If you are worried you are going to lose him because of not having sex, have you talked to him and explained this is a medical/health issue that is not something you have 'chosen' to have- but it's something that many women go through?

Preciousbane Fri 26-Sep-14 07:26:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkfrocks Fri 26-Sep-14 07:41:53

Please read the previous posts.
KY jelly is NOT the answer for vaginal atrophy.
KY jelly is a lube also used for internal examinations. It does not have any effect on the tissues of the vagina or treat the fragile tissues or shrinkage.

Vaginal atrophy treatment

pinkfrocks Fri 26-Sep-14 07:44:51

This is a more user-friendly read

Vaginal dryness

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 26-Sep-14 07:47:30

I can't help thinking that the physical effects of being chronically underweight and malnourished are linked to the pains experienced with intercourse. Menstrual problems are often a symptom, so it's not such a big leap to suggest that there are knock on effects that might mimic menopausal symptoms. Bone-density is another thing that starts to struggle and that can lead to different problems such as pelvic pain.

OP it's understandable that you're reluctant to get a second medical opinion when there are things you really don't want anyone to get involved in. But I think you have to allow your doctor to treat the whole person... not just one aspect.

pinkfrocks Fri 26-Sep-14 08:15:21

If the OP is anorexic then she may have a early menopause - 47 is quite young as the average age is 52. Low body weight is linked to lack of periods anyway- as seen with female athletes. Bone density loss does not cause any pain unless a bone is broken- and that is usually in the hips or spine. But having an early-ish menopause and being underweight are high risk factors for osteoporosis later in life- often as early as the mid 50s.

OP- you sound depressed. Please seek help from your GP for your eating disorder - or self-help groups as you suggested.

colafrosties Fri 26-Sep-14 08:35:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now