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emotional abuse?? How to make final leap to leave if so

(228 Posts)
iloverunning36 Wed 17-Sep-14 16:38:20

I have always been oversensitive, had low self esteem and been a people-pleaser. I tend to put others needs before my own. I have 2 children from my previous relationship and have been quite reluctant to expect my husband to parent them. We met 2.5 years ago, got married 1.5 years ago and (at his suggestion but I was willing) had a baby together 7 months ago. My problem is his verbal outbursts and general disrespectfulness towards me which I feel has got worse since the baby was born. When I try to talk to him he denies things and turns stuff back on me saying I am a “paper bag” and I need to learn to discuss things but he is not approachable frequently getting so frustrated with me that he swears at me within earshot of my children. He then improves for a short time only to revert to normal within a couple of weeks. He also says he feels like he is walking on eggshells as anything will “set me off”
The main outbursts are as follows:
Calling me a “fucking idiot” for making a mistake on my CV (I did post about this and tried to leave but he convinced me I was being silly and it was a one off – I thought maybe I was being harsh)
Calling me a miserable bitch because I was very tired and down after the baby was born (and I thought he would be more hands on)
Asking me where the fuck I had been when I was late home from work one night (this meant that every other time I rushed home to avoid him being like that again)
Going in a mood if I go to the gym or if I am going on a night out with my friends (this has resulted in me only having 2 nights out since I met him one of which he collected me from but I still go out for lunch with my friends without hassle from him so in that respect I haven’t been isolated from them)
Repeatedly telling me to fuck off and calling me a horrible thing because I said I had never seen a man take less interest in his child (I apologised after as it was a harsh thing to say but t the time he was refusing to have anything to do with bathing or putting to bed of our baby as well as rarely giving him bottles or changing his nappy so it felt like he wasn’t interested as he gets very good time off but will spend an entire day before he even picks up the baby)

Money
He insists that I put more into the joint account as I have more to pay for (food, elec and gas for my kids from previous relationship – I pay for clothes, shoes toys etc from my own money) He still complains about me buying school shoes or uniform for them so I try to hide it from him. I am in the process of being made redundant and on the way in the car he told me one of the reasons he was attracted to me was that I was in the same earnings bracket as him and we could have a nice life together. I have had to really argue my case (and only because of what was previously advised here so I have heeded some advice) about putting in less into the joint account because I am on stat pay but this month he has accepted that although he keeps going on about it.

Family
DH doesn’t like my family and in some ways he has good reason as certain of them take advantage and my mum is quite controlling. She was upset when I moved away and has attributed the return of her cancer to my falling out with my sister (she phoned me to tell me this when I was pregnant and my DH reacted to my upset by getting very drunk and telling me that he hoped she dies of cancer and I need to stand up to her – I found this very upsetting as I felt like everyone was against me) Now that my mum is dying I don’t feel I can ask for DH support as he made his feelings clear. He comments if I see them often "that's
weeks in a row you've been to visit your dad" so I feel like I have to hide or justify seeing family.

Sleep
DH as a tendency to get up very early (4 or 5am) which frequently disturbs me and once I am awake he tends to go back to bed and he has a nap most of his days off but will wake me if he feels I am sleeping too long (he once came home from work when I was pregnant at 10am in the morning and woke me up “to make sure I was achieving something” I was really angry as was so tired and it was my one chance for a lie-in as my ex had my 2 children. He said I was overreacting. I have given up trying to get a nap or a lie-in as it just doesn’t happen any more, I feel resentful that he gets so much more sleep than me when he causes me to have less sleep. Also it is always me who gets up with the baby (he has maybe got up with him about 5 times in 7 months)

Sex
When we first met sex was good and frequent. Now it is once a week if that. He has difficulties and eventually admitted to using viagra although he refuses to discuss it. He does impressions of me having sex which make me feel so low and has said that I see it as the only way of showing affection. As a result I no longer really enjoy sex that much.

Housework
DH sometimes hoovers but criticizes my hovering the rest of the time saying I don’t do it properly. He mows the lawn and is very good at DIY tasks around the home, he does them straight away.
DH has not cleaned a toilet or sink since we moved into our house 1.5 years ago (we have a cloakroom, 2 en-suites and a bathroom) Although I said in the first place I didn’t mind doing it I tried to get him to do it when I was heavily pregnant and after my c-sec but he refused on the grounds he only uses the bathrooms 10% of the time. This is despite the fact that he refuses to lift the seat so leaves little dribbles frequently and has IBS so leaves the inside of the toilet messy at least once a day.
I do all the washing/drying/ironing, initially it stemmed from me knowing that most of it was mine and my 2 kids but when I have asked my husband to be involved in doing some of it (after my c-sec and once I go back to work) he protests on the grounds that hardly any of it is his. He doesn’t like me using the tumble dryer and I have even seen him “jokingly” take stuff out of it and throw it on the floor.
As a result I use the tumble drier when he is out and panic when he comes home unexpectedly. I also have a lot less free time than him as I do the majority of the housework with the exception of cooking which he will do when he is here but generally leaves the dishes to me (he has made up the babies bottles once in 7 months and never sterilised anything)

Sorry this is so garbled, I am so confused and don’t know if it is just me being oversensitive. I have tried 3 times to leave, I have packed my bags but he somehow persuaded me every time that I was being silly/I’d regret leaving/I overreact to stuff. Afterwards I was disappointed in myself. I feel like I am 90% on the way to knowing I should leave but what can give me that last shove?? Is this emotional abuse or is it just a clash? He always says "is your life really so terrible?"

jude3184 Wed 17-Sep-14 17:07:05

sweetheart!! sad this man sounds like (excuse my lack of compassion) a complete asshole!!! emotional black mail is worse than physical in my opinion and ive been through both. took weeks to get over the bruises but the mental abuse takes years to get over and I still struggle now!!

It sounds to me like hes trying to keep you weak and the moment you have an ounce of strength to speak up he either belittles you or says sorry. He knows what hes doing believe me!!! People like that are very clever and its disgusting!! He chose to marry you knowing you had 2 children so making them feel like baggage is unacceptabe! Id be out of there im afraid! easy for an outsider to say when youre the one living this nightmare but I dont think you are being treated like you deserve! x

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Sep-14 17:10:14

Bottom line is, does this person make you feel happy? Do you feel supported, confident, reassured, attractive, free ... loved? Or do you feel anxious, unhappy, insecure, ugly, unimportant, restricted .. unloved?

The definition of emotional abuse to me is a steady and sustained campaign of bad treatment that is designed to crush someone's spirit and, by doing so, exert control over their behaviour. You decide if that applies your situation.

The only thing that can give you that last shove is yourself and the courage of your convictions. If you don't feel strong and need help getting out and staying away, please ask for it. Best of luck

iloverunning36 Wed 17-Sep-14 18:11:43

No I don't feel supported, confident, reassured or free and a lot of the time I feel anxious but I didn't have high self esteem to begin with

jude3184 Wed 17-Sep-14 18:28:14

You should never be with anyone because you need them, it should always be because you want to be with them x

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 17-Sep-14 18:28:40

Hopefully the responses here will give you that final push to make a clean break before he really does destroy you and your child.

This is abuse and not just emotional abuse from him either; he is abusing you financially as well. All of what you write re him are the actions of an abusive man.

You were likely deliberately targeted by him; he read your emotions like a book (such men have radar for women with low self worth and hone in on them accordingly) and played you completely so that you ended up marrying him a year post meeting. That was his intention all along; to fool you and trap you. I would imagine you met this man as well at a very low point in your life.

There is no future in this and you need to make firm plans to leave this person asap; Womens Aid can and will help you escape him. You and he cannot be together at all any longer; he will destroy you and your child totally given any further opportunity.

He will take a long time, perhaps even years, to recover from.

Who accused you of being over sensitive; did your parents lob that emotional bombshell at you?.

When you are rid of this person work on you further and do not enter into any further relationship or even dating until you have sorted your own issues out. Work out exactly through counselling why you also have low self esteem, what did you learn about relationships when growing up?. You need to properly unlearn all the crap you've learnt about relationships to date that along with your destructive relationship characteristic of people pleasing.

tipsytrifle Wed 17-Sep-14 18:28:57

I will read every word but right now? I felt sick and frightened for you after the first paragraph.

He always says "is your life really so terrible?"

The answer is yes yes yes ... and I'm not even you! truly, reading you was unbearable. Would you like to leave yet? I think I read your previous thread and felt the same. I think I would feel better if you decided once and for all to leave this relationship that is crippling you.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 17-Sep-14 18:30:22

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?. They should not be taught this dysfunctional role model of one; you and he should not be together any longer.

iloverunning36 Wed 17-Sep-14 19:16:24

I know myself to be oversensitive as I have always taken things to heart and cry very easily and feel sick when there is conflict

Thirdtry22 Wed 17-Sep-14 20:53:38

Hope you manage to get away from this evil man asap. You are not being oversensitive at all. This is emotional abuse and bullying behaviour. flowers

whatdoesittake48 Wed 17-Sep-14 22:43:22

It is perfectly natural to feel sick when anxious. It is your body's way of telling you to be wary because something is terribly wrong. Listen to your body.
I can relate to much of your post but maybe not the more extreme parts. But I totally understand the sense of panic when you are caught doingsomething you shouldn't. The fact it is reasonable to do it is the crazy making part. You question your own right to an opinion.

Fmlgirl Wed 17-Sep-14 23:07:01

I think this is the worst description of anyone's partner I have read on Mumsnet. It made my guy wretch. Please do not stay with this abusive low life of a man.

Fmlgirl Wed 17-Sep-14 23:07:17

Gut*

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Wed 17-Sep-14 23:08:27

Dear God he sounds absolutely fucking vile. Making you contribute more towards the housekeeping because you brought your two children to the marriage? I've never heard of such a thing!

He's a mean-spirited controlling arsehole. Please get out of that hell.

ArtyBat Wed 17-Sep-14 23:59:28

Oh my lovely,
He is an emotional and bullying abuser of the highest order. He has stamped so hard on your spirit that I want to cry.

Yes, your life WITH HIM really is terrible. WITHOUT HIM it would be so much better, just you and your children, living your lives as you wish them to be lived, not as he dictates.

You can do it. You can leave. You need no ones permission, least of all his. Open that door, take your children and walk out and onwards into a new life. You can do it. you can. flowers

angryangryyoungwoman Thu 18-Sep-14 00:04:49

Please leave.

pompodd Thu 18-Sep-14 16:32:32

I'm a man and am just disgusted by what you describe and the way he treats you. There is something very sinister about the persistent and insidious abuse you are being subjected to.

I hope you can find the strength to get out with your kids.

Edtfdess Thu 18-Sep-14 16:49:14

Christ he sounds like my husband. There are so many similarities it frightening.

It so horrible. If you can leave do. I wish I could.

RandomMess Thu 18-Sep-14 16:55:12

He sounds absolutely vile, please divorce him asap.

helpmekeepstrong Thu 18-Sep-14 17:03:49

Ring Women's Aid. They will help you. You are not oversensitive you are being systematically abused and it will get worse. You are in a downward spiral and need, badly, to get out. It is a terrifying step, I know, but a step you only need to take once. Please screw up your courage and make the phone call. x

Adarajames Thu 18-Sep-14 22:39:40

You don't deserve one more minute with this evil abusing arsehole! Def give WA a call, they'll help you, and hopefully talking to someone in real life will help you find that inner strength you need to leave him. That strength IS inside you, it's just been squashed by years of abuse, and we'll all help you to find it. You ARE a good person, you deserve so much better and by god we'll help you achieve it x

tipsytrifle Fri 19-Sep-14 08:26:31

iloverunning - are you still with us or have you phoned Women's Aid and are in the process of leaving?

Anniegetyourgun Fri 19-Sep-14 18:48:42

Of course it's bloody abuse. About the only thing you've said about him that isn't totally awful is... he does the DIY and mows the lawn (well whoop-de-do). But even if it didn't qualify as abuse, does it really matter when everything is so unnecessarily unpleasant?

And how can a man be so indifferent to his own baby?

PoppyField Fri 19-Sep-14 23:11:39

OP you've got a great username. Run. He is utterly vile. He is abusing you. Dreadful catalogue of abuse. Ring Women's Aid, make contingency plans and prepare to leave. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You don't deserve to be treated in this hateful way. Good luck.

iloverunning36 Sat 20-Sep-14 14:42:07

I am still here as last attempts to leave didn't work as I caved in. Its the fact that he doesn't think that he is doing anything wrong , he isn't violent and is very cuddly therefore its really difficult to try and say I am being abused. Also he says if I leave I will have nothing and need to go back to work straight away (we have a prenup so he says I'll get nothing from house even though my name is on the mortgage) I think my next step is to go and see a solicitor and then hopefully having the strength of knowing what I am entitled to legally could be the last push. Thanks for all your replies, I was just trying to get some labels for his behaviour and some good responses when he inevitably turns everything back on me to say I am not right in the head/over reacting etc

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