Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
TMI - sex advice needed(56 Posts)
Ok, name changed for this
Looks like I will be DTD tonight. I'm usually fine and comfortable with sex, not shy and open to new things.
My problem is going on top which I really want to be able to do, but I can't. I just can't. I just cannot get past the idea that I must look absolutely ridiculous.
Now (I know I must sound like a right stubborn cow) if I chat to a friend about this I often hear "guys really aren't going to notice chubby bits" "you look great from that angle" - I just think, how????? I'm a bit chubby (I wouldn't say I'm technically overweight) but this position is so unflattering for me and so hard to relax in. It's so much effort to constantly be sucking in my belly, I wish I could just not care (I'm not saying there's anything wrong with chubbiness or big bellies by the way, I'm not shy about mine at all, it's just in this particular position) but how is he going to fancy me from looking up, especially my chin which must look so stupid.
I also never know how to move or what to do with my hands. And I want to be able to take my bra off, my boobs are quite big and I do like them, but because they're big they're not perky AT ALL so i just think he's going to struggle not to laugh at me in that postion
Any advice or comments very gratefully received, as I would love to be able to do this like normal girls without wanting to cry and I'm desperately nervous about tonight!!
Get him to sit up rather than lie down, that way you have upper body contact and he can't see your belly/boobs/chin! Oh, and get him to stroke the small of your back..
Have you tried before? Honestly, if you are both in the mood then you just need to relax and go with it! Honestly, he'll think its great, you'll get a different sensation (I like being on top in general) and you won't look ridiculous!
Do you even need to go on top? Is this something your partner enjoys? There are plenty of ways to dtd without you going on top. If you feel self conscious you won't enjoy it, and neither will your partner.
Forget all the porno sitting up and writhing around, and definitely forget all the putting your feet on the bed and bouncing up and down.
I'm a bit larger than average too, with big boobs and belly. Honestly your OH doesn't give a shit about your wobbly bits, try and forget them.
Position-wise for on top I sort of get on board and then lean forward putting my hands on bed either side of his head/shoulders, half laying on him really so similar to missionary just the other person on top. Legs are bent and I'm on knees, not feet. It's easy to sit up a bit straighter and have a good bounce then when your legs get tired lean on him more and rock in place rather than any up and down action, I switch between the two. Then for the advanced class you can be leaning forward and do a sort of 'scoop up and down' as well (like you were laying on floor doing a 'crunch' exercise, but this time you are facing down instead of up). I'm just lazy with dodgy knees so find the easiest ways, lol.
the leaning forward has the advantage of your boobs resting on him (depends how far you lean) instead of swinging wildly round nearly taking one of your eyes out. And then you belly is tucked away too, if you are worried about these things.
You can do reverse as well, sit facing his feet. I find the movements harder work but all he can see is back view?
And position number 3 - a winner for him, a wee bit hard on your legs but ok. He lays on his back with his bum at edge of mattress and feet together on floor. Sit facing away from him on his lap, your legs outside his. Get on board. Now stand up a bit, sit down again, stand up a bit, sit down again. Leaning forward with your hands on his calves gives you support and makes it feel less like doing squats exercises. Again, all he gets is great view.
You don't have to sit up, you can lay your front on his front
Do you actually want to do it like this? For your own sake not his? Don't feel you have to just because you think you should.
Your partner loves you for who you are and what you look like. If he is anything like DH he just thinks he is extremely lucky to be getting some action and the last thing he will be doing is scrutinising the bits you don't like abut yourself.
I used to be exactly the same as you, I used to think I looked ridiculous on top and would never do it. I thought, it's such an unflattering angle, how could I possibly look good? But guys love it. And slowly, with a partner I felt comfortable with after time I grew to, well not love it (it doesn't really do that much for me stimulation wise TBH) but to love how much my partner enjoys it.
From the sounds of it we have a very similar body shape, and I would say not having the perkiest boobs, I think the view of them 'jiggling' around is one of the things desired from this position.
In regards to hands I usually put my hands on DP's chest, or play with my boobs - that really gets him!
I think the main thing that makes girl on top desirable is the sense of the woman being powerful and it control. There is nothing more sexy than someone who is confident and in control, not worrying about what they look like. For me I just had to 'fake it, till I made it' it terms of being confident on top.
But if this is a new partner or you simple just really do not want to do it. Just say so.
As a bloke, it really is NOT an issue. All the things you are worrying about won't even enter his mind. Honestly.
Depends how long you have been going out and if this is the first time etc but really you should forget it and try to relax. If it is a problem, reverse cowgirl may work?
Kentishgirl knows what she is talking about!
Agree with kentishgirl try reverse cow girl. It's a less intimidating position if your worried about going on top and for me I find it much less work on my legs and more enjoyable.
Look, if truth be told we all probably look absolutely ridiculous when we DTD to anyone outside looking in. Except to the person we're with because we're making them feel bloody marvellous. And with luck, ourselves, too. Overthink it and you'll kill it stone dead, so just do what you're comfortable with. If this is someone you've not been with for a long time just make sure it's properly dark.
Thanks so much for feedback everyone. To those asking, I'm definitely not under pressure and wouldn't do something I didn't want to - I just want to get over my fear because I know that it's a position men really enjoy generally.
kentish this is really good advice thank you. The positions sound really good in theory and I know he would be up for them but I'm terrified of looking stupid (god I sound so immature I know). I think I will just have to get very very drunk the first time so my inhibitions are gone - unless that's a bad idea?
Also if anyone is wondering it's not a lack of experience, since my last relationship my confidence took a bit of a knock so I expect it's more to do with that.
Also appreciate the male viewpoint, thanks mystery!
Keep lingerie on? I have lots of teddies and basques that cover my tum if I'm not having a good day, feeling sexy wise.
If the bra bit is underwired, even better as you can pop your boobs out over the top and the cup and wire underneath gives then a bit of perkyness
. . . . .and yes, Im an escort and these things happen to all of us at some point.
Agree with the posters who have said get him to sit rather than lie down, you will feel less exposed.
Good luck and enjoy
In total darkness sounds ideal Bitter, but that's another thing I'd like to improve on!!
Another vote for having him sit up. Dp and i agree this is best for many reasons.
Try running your hands through your hair while you're upright. It pulls your breasts up and pulls in your stomach.
But as a heterosexual male, I agree with MysteryMan1. One advantage of the girl being on top is that we can see more of her body, and if we're having sex with her it's because we think her body is awesome (among other things).
"In total darkness sounds ideal Bitter, but that's another thing I'd like to improve on!!"
If it is your first time, don't get drunk! A little tipsy is good but not much more I'd say. Also is dark likely to happen on a first time? Surely you will be half naked in the hallway after the date?!
And girl on top is Ok but I wouldn't say it is a guy's favourite position...
I was going to suggest what NeoFaust said but thought it might make me sound like the director of a point film.
Make sure you have a bed with a large headboard (one of those big swirly ones if swim) and hold onto the top? I realise you may not fancy a trip to IKEA for this this afternoon if you haven't got one!
If you're fretting about how you look during sex, he needs to refine his technique
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.