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dh says no to 4th child-i feel scared of next phase of life

(134 Posts)
scrunchy Sun 14-Sep-14 23:27:59

my dh has said absolutely no to a 4th child.we have 3 age 2-6.
i adore being a mum it is the happiest i have ever been,.the baby phase is so amazing for me,.i adore my kids as the get older but i feel bereft at not having a 4th.he would not discuss it before and now says he feels our family is complete.i feel i want that 4th baby that i never got a chance to go through a pregnancy knowing its my last.also the next phase of my life just scares me ..before kids i worked and studied and never found myself fulfilled by either,i do not have to work now and so studying would just be an expensive hobby,i volunteer but i find the prospect of my life being pick ups drops offs and that for the next 40 years dull.i am at a crossroads that i know we all face i juts am not ready to face it yet,i feel angry that he is deciding for my body,i am just full of resentment for him.i feel like either piling on the pounds and never having sex with him again,or getting out and trying to see if making him jealous works.yes i know this sounds terribly childish,i just feel such a lack of control and dont know how to remain an equal partner in a marriage where my wish is trampled on.

mumblechum1 Sun 14-Sep-14 23:31:17

But what about his wishes being trampled on?

And I think you're being a little melodramatic in envisaging the next 40 years being pickups and drop offs; there is a happy medium!

scrunchy Sun 14-Sep-14 23:32:57

hi wishes are not trampled on though,he is getting what he wants with no discussion

Ledkr Sun 14-Sep-14 23:33:14

Do you think that 3 kids under 6 means motherhood over?
God no, it gets unsure and more interesting and they need you more if anything.
Some cbt counselling would be good for you.

JetsAndSugar Sun 14-Sep-14 23:34:07

If he wanted a 4th and you didn't, would you be obliged to carry it? Didn't think so. He is totally within his rights to choose not to have another child.

Working out what to do with your life can be daunting. Using another pregnancy to avoid facing it wouldn't help you.

Have you considered career counselling or life coaching to help you work out what you actually want from life?

mumblechum1 Sun 14-Sep-14 23:34:12

I mean if you went ahead and had a 4thsorry for not being clearer

scrunchy Sun 14-Sep-14 23:36:15

what i want from life is another baby,no i know motherhood is not over but i feel and have always told him that i wanted 4,he never objected or discussed it at all.i fully understand that my kids need me in different ways as they get older.

RollerCola Sun 14-Sep-14 23:37:57

Has he said why he doesn't want another child?

todayisnottheday Sun 14-Sep-14 23:38:24

Um, maybe some councilling would be a good idea?

Moving to the next stage of parenting is scary. But those babies who fulfilled you are now children who will fulfil you too. Having older dc is so much more than pick ups and drop offs. You have much more to look forward to even though you may not be able to see that right now.

As for dh saying no to another child, well it's out of order, but so is you saying the opposite. You two need to talk.

BobPatandIgglePiggle Sun 14-Sep-14 23:38:45

Would you really want a baby who isn't wanted by its father?

scrunchy Sun 14-Sep-14 23:39:22

i try to talk and he will not.its very hard to be told no as a grown woman to something that he refused in the past to discuss.

Floralnomad Sun 14-Sep-14 23:40:02

Well then the decision is do you want a 4th baby more than you want to be with your DH . He may well not have known he didn't want 4 children until now it's not as if he has lied to you .

scrunchy Sun 14-Sep-14 23:40:05

he has said he feels our family is complete and thats his reason

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Sun 14-Sep-14 23:46:08

It's not good that he won't talk to you about it. He's perfectly at liberty to decide this, though, as would you be if you wanted to stop at 3.

What does he say to close the conversation down?

scrunchy Sun 14-Sep-14 23:48:08

he just repeats that line and walks away

Cabrinha Sun 14-Sep-14 23:50:53

But what on earth can he say?
Once you've said "no, my family is complete" (and at 3, he's probably got the majority vote there!) there's only so much "but I still understand that's not your ideal and I'm sorry it leaves you upset" that you can say.

What's to discuss?

You don't have a clear idea what you want next in life, other than other baby for the pregnancy and baby stage. I'd focus on that. 4 might be lovely, but 3 is enough.

bringbacksideburns Sun 14-Sep-14 23:53:14

Well, then you need to respect that really don't you. Or do you think brow beating him and emotionally blackmailing him is the way to get what you want. You say he refused to discuss it in the past so that should have been an indication to you.

You are very fortunate that you don't have to rush back to work to help support your family. Look into part time jobs and maybe you could do something with children in the future.

MintChocAddict Sun 14-Sep-14 23:53:14

I find your post odd TBH. You are a person, not just a mother.
So if you got your way and railroaded him into another child he may end up resenting you massively too. Another child might be enough to break you apart as a couple.

Your role as mother to your children should be a part of you, not your while reason for being, and if it is then I agree that counselling is maybe the way forward.

Can you honestly not see the benefits of your children growing older and becoming more independent? How are you going to cope when they are older and move away/ no longer need you in the same way.

TBH a job outside the home would probably do you the world of good.

The comment about not knowing your most recent pregnancy was your last comes over as a tad self indulgent. Lots of people have the same experience, not sure it's a good enough reason to have another child though.

I probably wanted number 3 if I'm being honest but DH wasn't keen on another, preferring to concentrate our efforts on us and our two DCs. Things would have been harder financially and a whole host of other reasons meant that we did stop at 2. I knew deep down that was the right thing to do too and have no regrets. I love a cuddle with a wee baby as much as the next person but you need to embrace the new stages and the changing dynamic of the family unit.

Hope that doesn't sound too harsh and that you make your peace with the situation.

Cabrinha Sun 14-Sep-14 23:53:29

And assuming your marriage is otherwise OK, talking of making him jealous or piling on the pounds and refusing sex sounds like you already have child number 4 in the house!
Come on! Don't wreck your marriage over this, if it's a good one.

scrunchy Sun 14-Sep-14 23:53:32

but he had not even said i am sorry that i am upset.i am being dictated to .he has his career is at the top of it and has his lovely kids and house,its one baby one person versus a very resentful angry wife.discuss,i literrally get a sentence,whats there to discuss?my feelings on the matter,if its a supposed partnership

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Sun 14-Sep-14 23:56:35

OP, could you suggest that you accept that for now but that your view won't change, so you'd like to discuss again in six Months to see if he still feels the same?

Ultimately, if he never does, you need to find a way to live with it. Would you want to be around babies? Could you volunteer at a new parent support group or similar down the line?

Is he considering a vasectomy?

scrunchy Sun 14-Sep-14 23:57:14

i have asked him if he could at least agree to talk about it in the future and he said no that he will not give me false hope.

LayMeDown Sun 14-Sep-14 23:57:57

Well DO wanted 5. I didn't agree but didn't rule it out until we had 3 when I said there was no way I was having any more. He agreed as it goes. If he hadn't it would not have made a slight bit of difference. I was done. I would feel no remorse over that. Having kids is not a number you agree in advance and stick to. It's subject to change by either party at any time and that is the way it should be.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Sun 14-Sep-14 23:58:02

Would you want to have a baby whose father didn't want it, though?

venusandmars Sun 14-Sep-14 23:58:50

At some point you're going to have to stop having babies and to support them in their older childhoods and then maybe to study or get a job or volunteer. You can't put it off for ever.

And you're not going to spend 40 years doing pick up s and drops offs unless you're still going to be taking your 38year olds places!

You say you adore being a Mum. Well yes, you ARE a mum and you always will be to the dc you already have. And the way in which you are a Mum will change and be different with every year as they grow older. How lovely and fantastic.

I understand that you and your dh have some different expectations - you thought you'd have another baby, and he is feeling that the 3 dc you have is enough. Well talk about it, get counselling, accept that whatever you plan for may not actually happen (you could agree not to have a child and have a contraceptive failure, you could agree to have a child and it may not happen) but for goodness sake, you already have 3 dc who deserve a loving a stable home - whatever decision you make between you, you should strive to achieve that for your dc.

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