Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Fiance got life this odd or AIBU....?

(147 Posts)
lotteryplease Tue 09-Sep-14 11:16:54

I have lived with fiance for 3.5 years, financially dependent on him as I gave up my job to relocate with him for his work. I have a child (8) who lives with us full time (no Dad) and he has a child (6) who lives with us every other weekend.

Fiance just got a £100,000 life insurance policy and made his son the only beneficiary.

Don't know why but this really stung for some reason.

thoughts? or am I being a cow about this?

I said to Fiance (nicely) that it was odd not to include me, that me and my child are his dependants too and he sort of brushed off.

grobagsforever Tue 09-Sep-14 11:19:07

Yes it's odd. Do you own property together?

TheWorldAccordingToJC Tue 09-Sep-14 11:20:46

You need to change this pronto. Do you need to be financially dependant on him? It's time to start looking for work or obtaining some skills that could lead to employment eventually.

As to whether it's odd .... Well, it's an indicator that you're not on the same page regarding your relationship, that's for sure. Marriage is the greatest protection there is, followed by properly set out wills etc. you have neither.

Take steps to protect yourself ASAP

ThinkIveBeenHacked Tue 09-Sep-14 11:20:57

Maybe he figured that if you and he marry, and then he dies, all his possessions will pass to you automatically, so this way there will be an additional support in place for his DS - so that his DS does not have to worry about financial support from you?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 09-Sep-14 11:22:04

You're not being a cow at all. When you're a 'blended' family and there are pre-existing children and various other factors, the matter of inheritance is not going to be straightforward. But the smart thing for him to do would have been to discuss this with you, get legal or financial advice or whatever, and make some plans together, draw up wills, take out various assurances etc. You know.... act like a family rather than one man and his son... hmm You don't sound like you were involved in this decision at all.

lotteryplease Tue 09-Sep-14 11:24:15

No, we don't own a property together. Can't afford to.

I am currently starting a business (there's zip in my field in the area and it's quite specialist and I don't want to work in another field)

What irks me perhaps even more is that I have no family money, my son has no real Dad with money and nothing financially between us is really in my name. I would not even have access to his bank account of something happened to him.

My Fiance's son has a very wealthy mother, she owns four properties and a large business - so i doubt this is for his son's financial security.

lotteryplease Tue 09-Sep-14 11:24:50

No Cogito, he just came home and said he'd done it. No discussion at all.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 09-Sep-14 11:30:53

So it's more than just the life insurance. When you say you have nothing financially in your name do you have a bank account? A credit card? An income? How are the household expenses organised? Are you named on the rental agreement? What happens if you want to make a purchase?

His behaviour over the insurance suggests that he doesn't really see you as family. Given that you've given up a lot to be with him, I wonder how financially vulnerable a position you're actually in now.

bberry Tue 09-Sep-14 11:31:26

This does seem rather mean of him tbh....

You do need to discuss this with him

As you and your some are "dependant" on him you can contest his will if he has left you nothing.... You can't support people in life and legally leave them with no support in death

Marriage is the first step in a secure future but everything would not automatically go to you as his wife, only an initial amount with the rest left between his children, soo.... You need a will also...

Marriage voids any previous wills so you will need to write mirror/sole wis After the marriage

The bigger question is what does he currently think would happen to you and your son if he were to die and what responsibility does he feel he has towards you both... The answers should be quite enlightening

Oh, and drawing up wills typically causes arguments.... Money to sisters/mums/custody of children etcetera.... Which is sadly why so any people don't do it Nd leave a mess for others to sort

Have an honest talk....

Pinkje Tue 09-Sep-14 11:34:00

You say you are his fiance, do you have plans to marry? I agree with pp he is just protecting some cash for his son for when you (and your DS if he adopts) become his legal dependants too. Presuming premiums are affordable then I don't see too much of a problem.

WeAreEternal Tue 09-Sep-14 11:38:15

I don't think it's odd at all.
You have no joint assets, you aren't married and you don't have any children together, if/when that changes you and any future DCs will then be entitled to a 'share' if he were to die.
It's the same as if you were to split up tomorrow.

What is odd and unreasonable is that he went and did this without discussing it with you first.

ReallyTired Tue 09-Sep-14 11:39:55

You are not married to this man. Until the two of you actually get married there is no legal relationship. Being enagaged for years on end is meaningless.

I think you are being unreasonable to expect him to make financial provision for you or a child that he is not related to. If he left all his money to you then there is a danger that his son could be left with nothing as he is not your child if you die afterwards without a will.

"My Fiance's son has a very wealthy mother, she owns four properties and a large business - so i doubt this is for his son's financial security."

That is her money and if your Fiance's mother is still alive then the money would be of no help. You can not expect to rely on other people's money.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 09-Sep-14 11:41:39

"You have no joint assets, you aren't married and you don't have any children together"

That's just a list of reasons why the OP is extremely vulnerable. hmm She is totally dependent on this man, believes she is in a long-lasting partnership and yet, if he were to be hit by a bus tomorrow, she would have absolutely nothing and be in dire straits.

MsAnthropic Tue 09-Sep-14 11:47:53

OP, is there anything stopping you taking out life insurance to provide for your son should you get hit by a bus tomorrow? You really should do that ASAP regardless.

I think that you need to have a long talk with him with regards to whether he views he has any obligations (moral or otherwise) to make long term financial provision for you and your son, or whether it's "just a relationship" to him. How long have you been engaged and are wedding plans being made?

ArsenicFaceCream Tue 09-Sep-14 11:49:08

That is her money and if your Fiance's mother is still alive then the money would be of no help. You can not expect to rely on other people's money.

Not the Fiance's mother Really the Fiance's Son's mother. I.e. the boy's other parent has plentiful financial resources.

lotteryplease Tue 09-Sep-14 11:50:48

ReallyTired, sorry I must have written that wrong. I meant my Fiance's EX WIFE i extremely wealthy so there would be no question of his son being in trouble if something happened to him -whereas me and my son would have nothing.

MsAnthropic and all I would not dream of:

a) making a financial decision without discussing with Fiance
b) making anyone but him beneficiary in the event of my death

In fact my commitment to him is such that I would want / trust him to be the SOLE beneficiary ad I know he would take care of my son.

Very worried he does not feel the same.

We have been engaged since Nov 13 and we are due to be married June 15.

rainbowinmyroom Tue 09-Sep-14 11:51:48

Very foolish to give up a job for an unmarried partner with whom you have not set up an agreement to protect you financially in case of illness or death.

Miggsie Tue 09-Sep-14 11:58:46

I find this odd - if he is thinking about his son after his death does he have a will? Having a policy like this and being intestate will cause all sorts of problems.
If he died the son would go to live with his mother full time and would still have access to his mother's money plus the money from his father.

I can only think that he feels as if he isn't contributing to his son enough financially as he is comparing himself to the wealthy ex and therefore by taking out a massive insurance policy he is saying "well I can provide for my son too." Or is it because when he marries you he is afraid his son will think he isn't loved enough so he is making a grand gesture?

The down side is he isn't bothering to provide for you or your son, so presumably he will leave you destitute or you as the sole earner widowed with a child?

It is time for you both to discuss finances and what would happen if either of you died - for instance - if you died, what would happen to your son? You need to discuss wills and money.

Any wills will be null when you marry - he needs to make a new one then anyway (you both do).

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 09-Sep-14 11:59:42

You've really got to get this all out on the table. June 2015 is a helluva long time away and this is going to niggle at you otherwise.

BTW.... why would you even think you were being a cow about this? Does money cause friction at the moment? That's why I asked earlier how you organise your finances.

Only1scoop Tue 09-Sep-14 11:59:52

I'd get back to work for sure and have some financial independence for you and your ds.

He is your df so presumably marriage etc has been discussed?

Only1scoop Tue 09-Sep-14 12:02:11

Sorry.... just read about upcoming marriage....I'd sit down and discuss all this with him.

lotteryplease Tue 09-Sep-14 12:03:19

He says it is what he thinks his responsibility as a Father is.

i just worry that he feels no responsbility to ME

We organise our fiannces hat the house and bills are paid by him and I pay shopping, clothes etc. so we are separate financially.

MsAnthropic Tue 09-Sep-14 12:03:51

Very worried he does not feel the same.
I would be too in your situation!

There's no-one I would trust to look after my son in the event of my death as their own other than blood relatives. Someone would have had to raise him from birth for me to rely on that, so I think it's pretty important that you do make financial arrangements for your child immediately and then really get to the bottom of how you both view things before you get married. Not everyone views step-parenting as being the same as being the biological parent, they just don't and while he may be happy to look after your son financially now, you really should make absolutely sure that your son is looked after by you. I can't see why anyone would object to a parent doing that for their children - so he should have no quibble with that, even if he does think he'd look after your son no matter what.

I'd point out how financially vulnerable you are because you're dependent and perhaps take out a second policy - but presumably you were supporting yourself before you got together and would have to again if you split.

Good luck with your business, by the way - hope it takes off soon and you're not left feeling this way.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 09-Sep-14 12:06:05

It's fine being a responsible father but the way he went about it was wrong and it's left you feeling insecure. You say you're separate financially but earlier you said you were dependent financially. Where does your income come from if you gave up work to be with him & you're just setting up in business?

lotteryplease Tue 09-Sep-14 12:20:47

I no some work from home for my old employer as well as odds and ends to make cash. Just nothing with any stability Cogito.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now