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Casual sex in dating break.

(31 Posts)
superstarheartbreaker Wed 03-Sep-14 11:32:36

I've decided to give dating a miss for the time being as I can't be arsed. I still have needs though and I'm starting to change my attitude about casual sex.
I've been on tinder and I'm talking to someone about a hook up. He's going travelling and I want to date seriously again in the new year so is casual sex a good thing on a relationship break. How do I keep it casual and stop it from becoming something more? I'm a typical girl but I've noticed as I get older I am less bothered by one night stands and enjoy them whereas in the past I was hurt by them.

superstarheartbreaker Wed 03-Sep-14 11:33:59

Typical girl comment sounds sexist. What I meant is I found it hard to divorce sex from emotions but I'm finding it easier nowadays ( not a regular event I might add!)

Iconfuseus Wed 03-Sep-14 11:37:30

I suppose it's the same rule as in all relationships - communication is the key. If you are both clear that this is just for fun, that you don't and won't love each other and that the sex will always be safe and consensual then it should work out?

I think you also have to be really really honest with yourself. If there is even a tiny part of you that hopes this will turn into something more then perhaps it's not a good idea.

I couldn't do it personally because I would end up emotionally involved no matter what I did and I think if I were in your circumstances I'd make do with a good book until I met someone else.

I wish you all the best and hope it works out.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Sep-14 12:14:55

"is casual sex a good thing on a relationship break."

Casual sex is a relationship. It's a short relationship and it might be an itch-scratching and meaningless relationship but it's a relationship nonetheless. Whether it's a good thing or not is entirely dependent on you the individual. If you're enjoying yourself it's probably a good thing. If you're worried, it's probably not a good thing.

Pinkfrocks Wed 03-Sep-14 12:20:09

I don't understand this but I am a very girly girl!
I have never been attracted to a man who didn't do it for me mentally and emotionally, as well as physically- so I could never just have sex with someone because to get that close I'd have to like them quite a bit.

Not sure if this is also what you are saying.

I wonder too if it's a good mindset to say 'I want a relationship further down the line'... because no on ever knows how a first date is going to develop- a relationship evolves. Unless you are going to say to each guy you meet from Date 1 'I want a long term relationship'.

LoisPuddingLane Wed 03-Sep-14 12:38:42

I did this for a while when I knew I was going to be leaving the UK. I just had a lot of sex with a lot of younger men. One was a regular feature every week or two. It was ok for a while but I stopped enjoying it, and so I stopped.

Just listen to what you are feeling. If it stops being fun, don't do it any more.

superstarheartbreaker Wed 03-Sep-14 12:47:05

I fancy it for a bit . I know after a while I will get fed up but yeah I need to scratch the itch. He's younger and likes older women and I love younger men. My heart says I would be stupid not to. He's going away anyway and I read a lot of good books but there is only so much Raymond Chandler can do!

PlantsAndFlowers Wed 03-Sep-14 12:53:46

Seems odd that you're asking then. Do you feel like you need permission?

superstarheartbreaker Wed 03-Sep-14 12:59:18

I guess I'm just kind of gauging if people think it's unacceptable. Not sure why I feel the need... Out of interest I guess. To gauge the prudish factor of my fellow females . I guess also reassurance that attachment is not always going to happen!

PlantsAndFlowers Wed 03-Sep-14 13:24:09

I wouldn't be judgemental, and none of my friends would be, and we're all naice middle class people. But if you're worrying about it then it might not be for you.

Pinkfrocks Wed 03-Sep-14 13:28:01

you can't be reassured that one of you won't get emotionally involved. It happens despite people saying they only want sex. You either take the risk or stick to reading- there are authors other than Chandler if you want some variety smile

superstarheartbreaker Wed 03-Sep-14 13:54:28

I'm just reading the big sleep ATM. Last read one of his at uni ... Th long good bye. I get the feeling that he dosnt like women that much or at least detective Marlowe dosnt. The. Books are quite sexually charged but I find his style of writing highly amusing!

superstarheartbreaker Wed 03-Sep-14 13:54:37

Sorry typos!

ChickOnaMission Wed 03-Sep-14 13:59:07

I've done this, a few one night stands from tinder which were fun but the sex wasn't all that great.

I also had a FWB arrangement which went on for a long time and despite my better judgement I started developing feelings. I think because he always stayed over, we exchanged all those bonding hormones that are flying around after sex, Fortunately he developed feelings too and it worked out ok. But I could easily have got my heart broken.

I'd say it would be easier if you don't do all the hugging and kissing after... jump up, shower, put the kettle on rather than basking in the post sex glow.

Also be tough with yourself and if you start to see the signs of liking them a bit too much move on.... There are so many men out there looking for no strings sex there's a big pool to choose from!

But most of all ENJOY!!

Frogisatwat Wed 03-Sep-14 16:35:29

I don't know how anyone can enjoy casual sex. I like a familiar body to cuddle up to
Its weird when you break up with someone and you go to bed with someone for the first time.. I think eek what's it going to be like (under the clothes?
What about lust as well? I can be a right filthy cah when I get going but how do you get the fanny gallops when you have effectively picked a man from a website?
Not judging at all. I am now single so will take tips. grin

blackeyedsally Wed 03-Sep-14 17:02:26

I had a casual thing with a guy recently and it worked because he was not at ALL what I would look for in a long-term relationship. Smoked, snored, was unreliable and immensely lazy, supported Man Utd despite being from Surrey, and voted Tory. The sex wasn't even that good, but it scratched an itch.

He stopped contact a couple of months ago and I didn't really care. So that's my tip: pick someone you know it would never work out with in the long run!

I am now getting "itchy" again though angry

blackeyedsally Wed 03-Sep-14 17:11:17

"fanny gallops" grin grin grin

Pinkfrocks Wed 03-Sep-14 17:13:48

Goodness- not being judgy but is sex so important and vital to singletons that you'd really have sex with almost anyone even if you don't like them?

In my 20s I had a sex/ boyfriend free phase for about a year and TBH it never crossed my mind to scratch an itch with anyone.

Have things changed since when I used to date?

blackeyedsally Wed 03-Sep-14 17:15:20

I was just thinking I ought to point out that I didn't dislike him - we got on very well, had plenty to talk about and lots of laughs. I just wouldn't have wanted him as a boyfriend.

blackeyedsally Wed 03-Sep-14 17:18:57

I probably could also have gone a year without sex in my twenties, but now I'm in my thirties I am far more horny blush

Everyone has different sex drives anyway.

HolyQuadrityDrinkFeckArseGirls Wed 03-Sep-14 17:24:47

pinkfrock to answer your question, yes. It's always easy for the smug married to say: just wait for someone special but it just doesn't happen. I haven't had sex for a year and before that for 3,5 with 3 months of shagging in between. When you see no prospects on horizon, sex with no long term prospect is very appealing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Sep-14 17:34:15

" is sex so important and vital to singletons "

Why should it only be those in long term relationships that have sex? And why should sex only be on the cards if the relationship is going somewhere? You remind me of my mother who queried my continued need for a double bed now that I was divorced... ROFL!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Wed 03-Sep-14 17:36:05

Nothing wrong with casual sex at all. What are you supposed to do join a convent when you're not in a relationship. Before I met D.P. I just had O.N.S. I'm human with desires.

HolyQuadrityDrinkFeckArseGirls Wed 03-Sep-14 17:37:44

Omg, that's a corker cogito.

All I keep thinking is be careful and use condoms. Herpes is fairly common, 1 in 6 have type 1 and 1 in 10 have type 2 (herpes virus association figures). It's not the end of the world but the first outbreak can be awful. Be safe.

Although saying that you could get type 1 from someone with a coldsore going down on you too.

Yeah, just be careful.

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