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Upcoming shuttle mediation meeting with Toad

(135 Posts)
Karenthetoadslayer Wed 03-Sep-14 09:53:08

In one hour and I am getting a bit shaky. He is going to annihilate me!

WellWhoKnew Wed 03-Sep-14 10:06:51

He is not going to annihilate you.

Firstly, coming from a training course I did years ago on negotiation: if you go in believing he has all the power - you relinquish your power.

You have things he wants. Mostly these relate to control.

Go in hoping for the best - that this will give you what you need. If he won't entertain it, then there's nothing you can do.

Mediators are trained professionals. They will facilitate this properly - it's their professional pride at stake after all.

If he wants to dictate terms, he won't be allowed to.

And shuttle mediation is very limiting. You don't have to deal with him directly. You do have to turn up, smile, state your case calmly and then go home go about your day, knowing that you've completed another step to independence.

Good luck Karen - you don't need it, but anything extra is a bonus!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Sep-14 10:08:36

I'm not sure of the context but you sound very anxious. If it's a professional mediator they should not allow things to get to a point where anyone is annihilating anyone else. If you are uncomfortable with the way things are going at any stage, simply call a halt.

I don't know what you're in mediation about but, generally speaking, it is not a recommended solution if either party is unreasonable or uncooperative.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 03-Sep-14 10:10:48

If there has been any type of abuse within the relationship mediation is not recommended at all.

scarletforya Wed 03-Sep-14 10:16:02

No he won't! He's a TOAD! You're the ToadSlayer! thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Sep-14 10:17:53

'Shuttle' is the type where you don't meet face to face, is that right? So it'll be just you and a mediator going through a proposal?

Twinklestein Wed 03-Sep-14 10:28:44

From a quick look at earlier threads it seems that he was abusive & violent, in which case any kind of mediation, even non-contact, is not a good idea.

You don't have to put yourself in a position where you feel you will be 'annihiliated' - that's just further abuse. You could just leave your solicitor to deal with it.

Karenthetoadslayer Wed 03-Sep-14 11:03:44

Have just got there and I am waiting now reading your messages. flowers

lunar1 Wed 03-Sep-14 11:05:21

Hope it goes ok, you really shouldn't have to do this if he has been abusive.

Karenthetoadslayer Wed 03-Sep-14 11:05:48

This is shuttle mediation regarding contact with the children. He has not seen them since last year in November when we were granted the occupation order on the house. He wants to reestablish contact with the children and has suggested and is paying for shuttle mediation.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Sep-14 11:07:58

And what do you anticipate he will have put forward that is 'annihilating'?

Karenthetoadslayer Wed 03-Sep-14 11:08:17

Ultimately the children decide this for themselves anyway. I am now sitting in one room and waiting. I have arrived early to avoid having to see him at all.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 03-Sep-14 11:09:06

I would let him waste his own money and this is all being done by him to further punish you. He likely does not give a fig for his children, have they been actually consulted about him wanting to see them now after nearly a year of no contact.

What legal advice has already been sought on this matter, what has your Solicitor or CAFCASS said?.

Karenthetoadslayer Wed 03-Sep-14 11:09:36

Toad is unpredictable and entirely unreasonable. No idea what he has concocted in his sick mind now. The obvious thing he will say is that I have poisoned the children against him etc ...

Karenthetoadslayer Wed 03-Sep-14 11:16:29

My solicitor and I have decided that I can just as well do this to see what he wants.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Sep-14 11:16:47

A professional mediator will have heard all this before. If the children are old enough to decide for themselves where they want to be and if he has been out of contact for the thick end of a year already, that's going to trump any ridiculous accusations. Have some confidence in yourself and the mediator.

Karenthetoadslayer Wed 03-Sep-14 11:18:42

The children don't want to see him at all and they will be asked, of course. He is of course making the financial settlement depending on contact. I am of course not selling the children.

Karenthetoadslayer Wed 03-Sep-14 11:19:44

Thank you Cogito

Toad has just arrived and is upstairs with the mediator.

Karenthetoadslayer Wed 03-Sep-14 11:21:58

Rereading your post WWK

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint Wed 03-Sep-14 11:25:01

Hope it goes well for you.

Karenthetoadslayer Wed 03-Sep-14 11:27:25

Thank you, getting a bit nervous now.

Karenthetoadslayer Wed 03-Sep-14 11:34:34

He must have a lot to say - the mediator has still not returned!

scarletforya Wed 03-Sep-14 11:34:41


It'll be over soon OP.

thenamehaschanged Wed 03-Sep-14 11:38:50

Good luck Karen the Toad Slayer!! He's the toad, you are not!! X

DeputyPecksBentBeak Wed 03-Sep-14 11:47:10

All the best. You will not be annihilated. Only give what you want to.

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