Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I don't know whether to continue in this relationship - please be blunt!(97 Posts)
I am 40 and my boyfriend is 44. I live in my own place with my 9 year old son, and pretty much it has been me and him since he was about 2 years old. I dated (unbeknown to my son) and then started a relationship with my current boyfriend in December 2012. My bf has lots of positive qualities in that he is very affectionate, always massaging my feet, stroking my hair, telling me that he loves me etc. I am not the most affectionate person in the world (particularly when I have pmt for a week) and it has caused some arguments. When I am not in the mood to be affectionate I am also not in the mood for sex, which again has caused some rows. There have been other stresses from day one which have added to some of our difficulties, namely my bf trying to organise contact with his children through Court. His ex gf has been very difficult (just to point out I met him a year after they split up)
Anyway, we have had 20 months of bickering, some of which has been witnessed by my little boy. When he is around I tell my bf to calm down (which he hates) or I tell him not to swear (it's fucking this and that when he is annoyed) and he continues to do so, saying that my son will hear worse in the playground. I have called the Police twice to our property, both times my son was there. The first time was due to my bf being extremely drunk and more agitating than anything, but his demeanour was upsetting to my son so I had the Police remove him. The second time, we argued and he pushed me onto the floor - though denied it immediately given that he was drunk (he simply couldn't recall it). He then would not let me get out of the property for fear I would call the Police. My son witnessed him standing in the way of the front door and he panicked. I got us out and called the Police. I believed that was it however the next morning when I talked it through with my son he said he felt sorry for him and that we should give him another chance. So we did.
I'm now getting to the crux of one of the issues. Our bickering continued (as you probably expected) mostly about his ex, the kids, my lack of affection and not enough sex. I explained that I didn't have 2 hours a night for sex (he likes to make a meal of it) as I have a full time job which is stressful. Anyway, to cut a long story short, he used my computer to go on Facebook. When he was out watching the match I went on my computer to fin his facebook account still logged in. So I did what any nosy gf would do and looked at it. I saw in the notifications that there were photos synced from his phone. This basically means that he took photos on his iphone which were saved to facebook but not shown publicly. I looked to see what they were and found a screenshot of his email address and hidden membership number for a dating site called "Genuine Affairs", a dating website for married people. I went sick. I then accessed his googlemail account and looked at his emails (I knew his password as he had given it to me previously and I think he forgot that I would have remembered it). Anyway, saved under his personal emails was confirmation of his membership to fuckbook.net and password and user name. I accessed fuckbook using both and found a half hearted profile set up which simply ha his D.O.B, height (2 inches out) and a strap line saying "I love sex". He swore blind that it was his ex that created the profiles and that he has had similar things through before.
We met on a dating site so there is every chance he gets junk mail from them, as I still do, however I have never received something thanking me for joining and my membership number. Anyway, his argument (and tears) was so persuasive I bought it. However, 2 months later it has come back to me as I believe he may be a better liar than I gave him credit for. That brings me onto the second part of my dilemma.
We booked a family holiday to go to Haven just a couple of weeks ago. We bickered leading up to it, so much so that I considered travelling up separately. Anyway, my bf reassured me that he wouldn't argue and that he wouldn't spoil the holiday for my 9 year old son. Anyway, the first night we got there, we went to the club. He got drunk by 10.30pm and I decided to take my son home to the caravan as he said he was bored anyway. My bf followed and started giving me grief for leaving early, for doing everything my son tells me to, and for being a "fucking tight cunt" for not buying him a drink (when he was doing perfectly well getting drunk without my help). In hi anger, as he was calling e all the cunts under the son, he shoved my son. It was an accident and done as he was trying to get to me but nevertheless, I was fuming. I went to bed with my son and the next day me and my son packed and left. We hung around the caravan park for the day (as I wanted to give my son at least one day there) and my bf sent me loads of texts and calls begging for my forgiveness, saying he wouldn't drink again. In the end, he was so distraught he threatened to commit suicide and therefore I called the Police, who removed him from the caravan and took him to the nearest train station where he got a train home. Me and my son remained on holiday for the remainder of the week and my intention was that it was over with my b.
However, I met up with him when I got back and we talked things through. I said I would see him away from my son (once a week when he goes to his dad's) to see if we can have an argument free relationship. He seems calmer and has not drank for over a week. However, my son does not want me to be back with him. Even though he said he is not scared of him, he has no faith that we won't argue in the future. I am so confused at the moment as my bf has lots of good qualities, and sticks with me when I am going through the worst pmt moods possible, and I believe him when he says he won't drink to keep us. But then, the doubts re the dating sites resurface and I wonder how we will have an argument free relationship when all that doesn't add up, and my son feels the way he does. I'm waffling now but would really appreciate your comments on any aspect of what I have said.
He is just too much work and too much trouble.
Why would you let a man who has bullied you in front of your child back into your life? Why do you think his ex doesnt want him to have contact with their child? And he is doing dating sites behind your back? Why would you even hesitate about leaving?
Why? The answer to all of these questions is that this man has a hold on you and is messing with your head. Trust your instinct and leave while you still can.
Be very careful because he sounds dangerous. Make a plan and stick to it.
You deserve much more than this and your son definitely does. You should not have this man in your life or your son's life. I cannot believe that you are seriously thinking about getting back with this man. You have given him so many chances and nothing seems to have changed. Please just end this relationship and focus on you and your son.
You have GOT to show your son that he means more, that his safety and well-being, means more to you than some man. I can't believe you're actually considering staying with a man who laid a hand on your baby boy (in an attempt to assault you in the presence of your son)
Please, you need to tell your son that he comes first and that you'll never allow anyone in your life again who'll put him through any of it.
Any relationship where your partners behaviour concerns you enough that you feel you need to call the police is not healthy. The fact that he has assaulted you, and your son is even worse. For me just the verbal abuse would be enough to make me leave. I think you know what you need to do!
20 months of bickering... I have called the Police twice to our property, both times my son was there... we argued and he pushed me onto the floor... found a screenshot of his email address and hidden membership number for a dating site called "Genuine Affairs", a dating website for married people... My bf followed and started giving me grief for leaving early, for doing everything my son tells me to, and for being a "fucking tight cunt" for not buying him a drink (when he was doing perfectly well getting drunk without my help). In hi anger, as he was calling e all the cunts under the son, he shoved my son...he threatened to commit suicide... But as long as he seems calmer and and hasn't had a drink for a whole week, then everything'll be ok. You asked us to be blunt, so I will be. Your partner is an abusive arsehole, a drunk physically violent manipulative prick. You're relationship sounds like nothing but misery and ironically the only one who seems to see any sense is your 9 year old son! Please end this 'relationship'. You and your son deserve to be happy.
You can get a dog or cat that will stick by you when PMT is bad.Get rid of this violent drunken abuser.Put you and your boy first.Please re read your post and imagine it was your daughter or good friend writing.What advice would you give.
If this were one of my friends, and she took this man back, I would be disgusted in her and probably contact SS with concerns about the safety of her child. Sorry.
He was a complete waste of time just from the dating site stuff alone. But swearing at you in front of your son, being violent in front of your son, shoving the poor lad?? That's criminal behaviour. Shocking stuff. Really.
Also please stop involving your poor son in your relationships. I cannot believe you talked to him about taking this man back. Jesus Christ. How must he feel, having this kind of responsibility put on him?? Make your decisions alone and let your son be a child.
He sounds absolutely awful, please listen to your son.
So he's a drunk, bullying, violent, unfaithful twat to you. That's bad enough. But to your son?
You need to get him out of your life ASAP. It's such a no brainer that I am shocked that you need to ask us - it shows a worrying lack of perspective and self esteem, no doubt fuelled by his abusive behaviour
Nicola this man is not offering you anything worth having. If his best qualities are showing a few signs of affection and managing not to drink for a week then it is simply not enough- not enough even if he had not treated you and your son so very, very badly.
Please step away from him. He is not someone to be trusted or to build a life with. You will only open yourself up to more and more pain and disappointment if you resume this relationship.
Be calm and happy with your lovely son and there will be more of a chance for a decent man (if you want one) - one who really knows what open hearted affection and consideration actually is and would be happy and honoured to share a part of his life with you and your son.
But your ex- he's a man to keep at arms length and move out of your life.
I agree with the pp who said that you should not be involving your son in such adult issues - but given that you have - please listen to him. Your son is showing wisdom here - give your son the happy and safe childhood that he deserves. The two of you will be just fine together.
I hadn't even read half way through your post and am genuinely confused as to why you're not sure if you should leave or not. You should. He's a prick.
I agree with the above but think you need to be very careful about how you get out of this relationship as he is dangerous and manipulative. I am sure there is support available . Think u need to plan it carefully and be aware of his tricks to win you round.
You want blunt replies?
I have no idea why on earth you'd put a violent bully before the needs of your little boy, he's told you he doesn't want him involved in his life, has witnessed disgusting language, the police being called to his home, and being pushed over by this man, "accidental" or not.
That should tell you everything. Your poor son
He shoved your son on top of everything else?! It won't be the last time he does that. End it now, nobody needs this sort of nastiness in their lives, and your son certainly doesn't deserve it by association.
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
He touched your son aggressively.
Have some self respect and run!
He called you a cunt! That alone......
Being blunt, you have cut this bloke miles of slack when he would have got less than an inch from me, being as I had a DC in the mix that has witnessed some of it (and knows a damn sight more than you realise about what's going on). You need to be much much stronger than you have been. He is playing you like a dime shop guitar!
Bloody hell. I didn't have to read more than 25% of this - leave the bastard.
For goodness sake, put your son first. I am struggling to see any redeeming features in this manipulative, abusive prick.
I am in agreement with everyone else. I think when he turned up drunk and you called the police to remove him, that is when you should have split. Big red flag there.
It's gone on too long, especially as he's been aggressive to your son.
Do yourself and your son a favour, get rid. Btw, I'm not surprised his ex won't let him see his dc if this is his usual behaviour, unfortunately you're exposing your son to it. Your son is your number 1 priority, not this arse wipe.
There, you wanted blunt!
I wonder why social services weren't alerted by the police, IME there is usually a referral to them when scenes like this occur in the presence of DC.
Being blunt, the fact you even have to ask the question is a worry, why the fuck would you let this horrible violent prick anywhere near you or your child again? Put your son first ffs.
What everyone else says.
And please don't involve your son in your relationship decisions. He's been through enough; the last thing he needs is the guilt or responsibility of whether it not you stay with a partner. (Although, of course, he's right about this one.)
I'm a bit worried that you have stayed so long in this relationship, and you seem to be putting you and your son's needs after this relationship. Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? Really great for seeing things clearly after being in an abusive relationship.
So you'd consider staying for some foot rubs? I don't get it. I really don't.
I'm stunned that you even have to ask. Of course you shouldn't continue in this relationship.
Join the discussion
Please login first.