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Feel like an idiot.

(15 Posts)
Pigpen37 Mon 01-Sep-14 09:24:44

I posted a couple of weeks ago about leaving my verbally abusive bf. I have since made it back to the UK and am 'hiding' at my mother's place. I'm too scared to tell people about the pregnancy (still only about 10wks so normal to keep this one secret) and moreover, too scared to tell people I came back to the UK. I feel like such an idiot. I moved away to be with a man I loved and now I'm back having left him, alone again and pregnant. I just feel ashamed and I'm terrified about telling my father about all this. Some background, my father brought me up and I never want to let him down and I feel like I have. I'm embarrassed to tell him I f'd up. I'm embarrassed to tell him I'm pregnant and have left my partner.

Urgh...this could of course be pregnancy hormones making me feel a ton worse! Sometimes I feel optimistic and proud of myself, but mostly I feel stupid.

Vivacia Mon 01-Sep-14 09:50:54

Your post hit me like a tidal wave - so much pressure, guilt and shame. There are so many positives in there though for you to be proud and positive about. Can you afford counselling? Can you talk to your GP?

I'm so glad you came home to the safety and support of your home.

kaykayblue Mon 01-Sep-14 09:54:29

In what way do you think you fucked up? I think you should be going out with your head held high. It takes tremendous courage to leave abusive relationships, and it takes even more courage to admit to yourself "well this move to another country hasn't worked out, so it's time to pack up and go home". Many people stay overseas in awful situations purely because they are too ashamed to admit to others that it didn't work out. But you didn't do that, because you decided to take the situation head on and do what was best for both you and your baby (fingers crossed, it being first trimester and all).

From your father's perspective, what do you think would bring him greater sadness - you coming home, and telling him that it didn't work out, and your partner was verbally abusive to you and he raised you to have more self respect than to put up with that, but hey - he has a grandchild on the way. OR, years down the line, you finally coming home and admitting to him that for years you have been miserable, staying in another country, being verbally abused by your partner, because you couldn't face telling him that it didn't work out.

I'm not a parent, but I know what my parents would choose in a heartbeat. If your father raised you, and loves you, then he will want you to be safe, and not boxing yourself in misery.

People understand that when you move to a country to be with someone, you are taking a risk. In your case, that risk didn't pay off, so you came back. There is nothing to be ashamed of!!!

Have some pride in how strong you have been.

sunflower49 Mon 01-Sep-14 09:55:25

I agree! You've nothing to be ashamed of. You've been strong and done the right thing.

How do you think your Father will react?Did he know your partner was abusive?

You haven't fucked up. You've been braver than a lot of people would have been,getting you and your unborn out of that situation and back to where you're safe.Reach out to people who'll support you, see your GP, concentrate on yourself.

Pigpen37 Mon 01-Sep-14 09:56:40

Thank you Vivacia. That may not be a bad idea. I have to go to my gp to get some iron tablets so I will ask then.

I certainly feel a lot happier at home. My mother has been fantastic and wants me to feel secure and safe and supported. So for that I'm incredibly lucky and perhaps a lot better off than some in similar situations.

Pigpen37 Mon 01-Sep-14 10:01:23

Oh wow that was quick! Thank you for your messages kaykayblue and sunflower49. My father had no idea he was abusive at all. Being a bloke (sorry to be reductive!) he hardly asked any questions about my partner and when we spoke over Skype it was usually about how I was getting on and how his beloved football team was! My dad is amazing but he is not the most emotionally engaged!! I guess that's why it's a little harder to talk about emotive stuff. But I really appreciate your responses and you've made me feel a lot better.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Sep-14 10:04:15

Never keep someone else's bad behaviour secret. The only person it protects is them and the only person it harms is yourself. You're not far off becoming a parent and when they come to you one day and say 'I've messed up, Mum. Please fix it'... you'll shift heaven and earth to make it right for them. Unless your father is some kind of unreasonable creature with no soul, that's what he'll want to do for you.

Abilly72 Mon 01-Sep-14 10:53:14

If your father really cares and loves you I think he will be very supportive of you.Children do all sorts of strange upsetting things but a good parent will always support -this does not mean condoning stupidity of any sort -but the loving support makes all the difference.Yiu mad bad choice but that is yesterday and cannot be changed-get support ant try good choices

Iconfuseus Mon 01-Sep-14 10:57:12

Sod everyone who judges you.

If people want to look down their noses at you, let them. Anyone who is not sympathetic to what you have been through is not worth your time.

I really hope that there are better and happier times for you round the corner.

knittedknickers Mon 01-Sep-14 11:02:59

Your father brought you up to be the strong, independent person you clearly are. Well done for leaving that abusive idiot - many women would have felt trapped, especially whilst pregnant, and things would inevitably have become far, far worse. Be proud of how brave you are and, as everyone else has said - you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about. I wish you well and hope you enjoy your pregnancy and, of course, motherhood.

CommonBurdock Mon 01-Sep-14 11:21:08

You are so not an idiot. You have done the best absolute best thing you could have done. Once a child is born in a foreign country in an unhappy relationship it is the beginning of a complete and total nightmare. Do not under any circumstances go back there. Get legal advice on your position and that of your baby, and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy

getthefeckouttahere Mon 01-Sep-14 11:41:34

Hey PigPen,

you have suffered from a severe case of .... life. You'll recover and in any case it sounds to me as if your doing fine.

Life can strike anyone at any time, and those who judge you or look down on you will i suspect be a very small number indeed and consist of those who have never suffered from life! Forgive them, everyone else will be pillars of support.

Tell your dad everything, i bet you a pint, that he'll be fantastically understanding.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Mon 01-Sep-14 11:57:05

Any sane father would be thrilled that he brought someone up with the strength of mind to walk away from an abusive partner while pregnant. He may/will be upset, but only because a) you were subjected to it in the first place and he couldn't protect you from it, and b) if you choose to have the baby you will potentially have to continue contact with your previous partner

Well done for walking away.

Pigpen37 Mon 01-Sep-14 16:48:44

Thanks so much everyone you have really made me feel a whole lot better. I shall re-read these responses before I go and speak to my dad! I'll be ok. Damn that no alcohol drinking thing with pregnancy is a bind!

InThisTogether Mon 01-Sep-14 22:52:39

everyone who loves you will be glad you are home, safe and happy, and will be ridiculously excited about your baby!

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