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Can rape ever be a misunderstanding?

(181 Posts)
snowflake02 Sat 30-Aug-14 14:04:25

I posted here a while back under a different user name.

My husband still maintains that this was just a misunderstanding, which leaves me totally confused. I thought I was abundantly clear in saying 'no', so I'm not sure how he could have misunderstood. But what if he really did just get it wrong? Is it even possible to rape someone by accident? Or is it not rape if it is just a misunderstanding?

I am at a total loss as to how we/I move on from this (and everything else), especially when I feel that he is not acknowledging what actually happened. I feel that he needs to acknowledge it in order to really apologise. Or is this unreasonable of me?

But perhaps I am wrong, maybe it was nothing more than a misunderstanding? His refusal to call it anything else is making me doubt myself again.

GlacindaTheTroll Sat 30-Aug-14 14:08:24

I've just looked back at your thread, and I simply cannot see how "no..... no.. please.... no" can be misunderstood.

FiftyShadesofGreen Sat 30-Aug-14 14:08:41

No, rape can't ever be a misunderstanding. You said no, repeatedly. What could he have possibly misunderstood? He's minimising it because he knows it was so terribly wrong. I'm sorry but I think you need to get him out of your life.

gamerchick Sat 30-Aug-14 14:08:46

No, read your other thread again. I know you desperately want this to be ok in your head and he didn't mean to do what he did but the fact is he wanted sex and took it as though he had the right to take it.. whether you wanted to or not.

He can say what he wants, it is what it is. Im so sorry sad

Whocansay Sat 30-Aug-14 14:12:34

You didn't want to have sex. You clearly told him 'no'. This was not a misunderstanding, it was rape. He is still trying to minimise the situation. I really hope you're OK. Have you been able to talk to anyone in real life?

gobbynorthernbird Sat 30-Aug-14 14:14:41

He raped you and he knew he was raping you, and now he's trying to fuck with your head.
I hope you find the strength to leave.

DozyDotes Sat 30-Aug-14 14:14:53

I'm so sorry OP. I just read your last thread and I don't think it was a misunderstanding. Hypothetically, if there was a misunderstanding, a half decent man would be horrified and ashamed about what happened and you wouldn't need to ask for an apology. He knows what he did and now he's trying to minimise it and deny your experience.

wrapsuperstar Sat 30-Aug-14 14:20:54

As gobby said. Your previous thread has stuck in my mind.

Your husband is a raping bastard and an apology wouldn't even begin to be enough -- and he won't even give you that.

Love, please leave him. My heart goes out to you.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Sat 30-Aug-14 14:25:11

No, he is minimising and making feeble excuses. Do you really want to move on WITH someone who has treated you like this and then places the blame squarely on you with a feeble insistence that it was a misunderstanding? He is clearly not safe to be around.

magoria Sat 30-Aug-14 14:27:13

You can't move on.

It was rape.

He raped you.

He knows this. You know this.

Do you think all of us who posted on your last thread are also wrong? Go and re read it! Remember it. Print it off and use it as a reminder to get away from this man.

StillFrigginRexManningDay Sat 30-Aug-14 14:28:56

Sweetheart you said in your previous thread that he has ignored you politly saying no and removing his hands before the rape you posted about. I fear he is slowly conditioning you so that he can and will rape you whenever he feels like it.

AnyFucker Sat 30-Aug-14 14:31:20

I wouldn't try to match your experience with someone else's that they do not consider to be rape

I am sure a couple of rape apologists will be along to agree with your rapist husband. I have just reported a couple of such specimens on another thread so they are knocking about somewhere

The fact is, in your situation, your husband raped you. You know it, and he knows it. You will never get him to admit to it though....not many men hold their hands up and admit to rape, do they ?

StillFrigginRexManningDay Sat 30-Aug-14 14:35:01

AnyFucker on the previous thread her dh brought it up as rape and then changed it to a misunderstanding.

Vacillating Sat 30-Aug-14 14:35:35

Oh god you're still with him. Get help to go. He is a rapist. You can't make this better.

LRDtheFeministDragon Sat 30-Aug-14 14:39:25

I'm so sorry, but I agree with everyone else - this was rape and you were clear. And AF is right there's no sense trying to put your experience in the context of someone else's who wasn't raped.

chockbic Sat 30-Aug-14 14:39:50

He's controlled you with the rape and now he's trying to control your emotional response.

Sinister, abusive and definitely not a loving relationship.

Ask yourself, would you want this for your daughter?

TaliZorahVasNormandy Sat 30-Aug-14 14:45:07

No, it's not a misunderstanding, you said no, several times, he chose not to listen or care, he raped you, plain and simple.

Those are not the actions of a loving, caring man. Those are the actions of a vile, evil piece of shit.

You are worth so much more than this monster, I only wish you could see it.

LittlePeaPod Sat 30-Aug-14 14:51:20

He raped you. It was rape. There is no misunderstanding. He raped you.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 30-Aug-14 14:52:19

There was no misunderstanding being told "No. Please, no!" He heard it and didn't fucking-well care.

Any man who thinks your body is his to be used when and how he likes, despite your obvious refusal, is an abusive rapist bastard.

He won't acknowledge it as rape because he views your body as his instrument completely under his control. Your wants and desires don't matter to him one iota. He's done it before and he'll do it again. Of this you can be absolutely certain.

Vitalstatistix Sat 30-Aug-14 14:54:02

No is a very easy to understand word. It is a very hard word to misunderstand. It means no. That's about as clear as a word gets.

you said no. Actually, you begged sad

If he chooses to believe that he did not rape you because you begged please no but eventually went silent, that is because he does not want to accept the fact he is a rapist.

either that or he thinks a man has the right of permanent access to his wife's body. angry

He does not. You were clear. He ignored you. He now feels that you must accept his truth and not the reality. I am sorry because I know how painful it is but he raped you. You are married to a rapist.

what do you want to do now? Perhaps we can show you ways, resources etc that can help.

OxfordBags Sat 30-Aug-14 14:54:53

OP, you said on the other thread that he has actually raped you more than once (your counsellor confirmed this for you). He is going to keep raping you whilst you try to find ways to deny what he is and what he's doing to you.

Why do you believe you are worth so little?

There was no misunderstanding. He didn't care about what you wanted. He wanted to rape you. Be very clear about that - he didn't want to have sex, make love, shag, whatever: he wanted to rape you. Only men who want to rape, rape. If a man is normal, decent, loving and not an abusive woman-hater, he will find it impossible to rape. Effortlessly impossible, I hasten to add.

This won't go away. He needs to go.

HumblePieMonster Sat 30-Aug-14 14:55:55

Its not a misunderstanding if you say no and he goes ahead.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi Sat 30-Aug-14 14:57:57

Well imagine for a minute it was a misunderstanding, if that was genuinely the case wouldn't he be mortified? Wouldn't anybody? Imagine being told that you had 'accidentally' raped the person you loved, how would you react? With heartfelt apologies, with disgust and remorse, wouldn't you want to make amends and make sure it never ever happened again?

But he isn't doing that is he? He is telling you he did nothing wrong and that more than anything says it all

FannyFifer Sat 30-Aug-14 14:58:15

It was rape on your previous thread & it's still rape on this one.

Waltermittythesequel Sat 30-Aug-14 15:04:42

Oh, sweetheart.

I remember your other thread.

This man is a rapist, he is a dangerous criminal and he won't ever stop.

I wish you would report him but even taking steps to leave him is enough. Please, please realise you are so very much better than this!

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