Very early days in relationship... contact how often?

[Aliensloveunderpants00]

I have been seeing this guy for three weeks now (messaging on POF for over two weeks before that). First week of messaging after first date was pretty much daily, long conversations. Contact now has decreased considerably, to the point of two whole days passing without hearing from him at all. I messaged saying I had noticed the change on comms and giving him a way out if he's not that interested any longer. He replied saying he likes me a lot but he's a lousy communication, crap at keeping in touch with people etc...but he's definitely keen to see where things go. When we are together he's very attentive and thoughtful otherwise.

I guess my question is, how much contact is normal in the early days in between dates? (once weekly)... Would you be annoyed were you to only hear from the person you are seeing once every two/three days or do you see it as acceptable?

[FolkGirl]

'Normal' is dependent on what is comfortable and agreeable to the individual couple.

I wouldn't want two or three days to go without contact. But I wouldn't want long protracted text conversations every day. Did you not even get "good morning/night" type message?

If I'm honest, I'd assume it was because they were dedicating the same level of energy they had previously dedicated to communicating with me to someone else. But that's just me. I'm not very trusting of men at all these days.

[jackydanny]

A few days sounds ok to me, but the sudden drop off would be a concern as it has been with you.
Just step back a bit and see what happens.
The nature of this stuff is- he may be communicating with someone else, this may be his 'pattern' and he just likes the thrill of chase or that he might like you and feel like he needs to rein it in a bit.
This time in two weeks you will know!
You will either have had a couple of dates or not...

[Aliensloveunderpants00]

Hello Folk No, not even a good morning/good night message... when I brought it up he replied saying that he didn't have to apologise or explain the lack of contact for a couple of days, as if he saw it as something normal. I guess what really bothers me is that we are two hours plus away from each other so his attitude doesn't bode well for a long term relationship; also the fact that even though I have said I would be just happy with a simple goodnight text he still won't do it

We're both off POF so unlikely he's talking to anyone else; he has made it pretty clear that he likes me too...

[Vivacia]

when I brought it up he replied saying that he didn't have to apologise or explain the lack of contact for a couple of days

Blimey.

[Aliensloveunderpants00]

Thanks Jacky crossed posts... very unlikely he's talking to anyone else. I do think he might be reining things in a bit, the first two weeks were quite intense, same just before we met. You're right, I'll know better in a couple of weeks time for sure!

[Vivacia]

First three weeks? That was pretty much daily contact, at least 2 or 3 texts exchanged at the very, very least. Those early days you can't stop thinking about each other, aren't they?

[FolkGirl]

He could still be on there and talking. He could have a new account. He could have exchanged numbers with someone else he is talking with as you and he are.

I'm sorry, I could be completely wrong, but when it comes to OD and men in general, nothing surprises me anymore.

As for the 2 hours plus distance, my boyfriend lives just over an hour away from me and is also a crap communicator. It's one of the reasons I'm building up to ending it today. LDRs can only be sustained with excellent communication. If he's telling you now that he's a rubbish communicator, it's really not going to get any better

You're welcome to join us over on the Dating Thread - there's lots of experience and support to benefit from over there.

[Aliensloveunderpants00]

Vivacia I know. Especially as he knows I would be satisfied with a short goodnight, would be so easy for him to do so without much effort. He did also say that he didn't want to be made to feel like he was always doing something wrong or second guessing, but surely some kind of contact in over two days is not much to ask for surely? He should be trying to make me feel reassured right? Not deflecting his own crappy behaviour on me...

I don't know... I really like him and he's so great when we are together...

[Aliensloveunderpants00]

Thank you Folk. Yes, it's not going to get any better is it? Or maybe when feelings develop he would be better instead? (hopeful). I've been lurking in the Dating thread for a while, and it's been invaluable. Really sorry that things turned out like that with your boyfriend, I'll never understand the way some men behave....

[FolkGirl]

Um, that really doesn't sound good , Aliens. He doesn't have to apologise, he doesn't want to be made to feel like he's doing something wrong, he doesn't want to be second guessing..?

Christ, you've only asked him why the contact has stopped and for a goodnight text!

Come and join us. Seriously...

[FolkGirl]

Or maybe when feelings develop he would be better instead?

Not if he's already telling you he doesn't want to be second guessing and made to feel in the wrong...

I know it's often said on here that when someone tells you who they are, listen, but I think, on this occasion, it's very, very apt.

You're supposed to think he's wonderful at this point. He's supposed to be trying to impress you because you're amazing and he can't believe his luck that he's found you. Is that how he makes you feel?

[FolkGirl]

Oh and thank you

[Aliensloveunderpants00]

You're supposed to think he's wonderful at this point. He's supposed to be trying to impress you because you're amazing and he can't believe his luck that he's found you. Is that how he makes you feel?*

Not really no. Quite the opposite actually, making me out like I'm a needy and unreasonable person, when I'm far from it .

It's very frustrating, as when we are together he's incredibly thoughtful and caring. He's also very reliable when it comes to meeting up etc...

[Aliensloveunderpants00]

^

You're supposed to think he's wonderful at this point. He's supposed to be trying to impress you because you're amazing and he can't believe his luck that he's found you. Is that how he makes you feel?

[FolkGirl]

Sorry, that should have been He's supposed to think you're wonderful

Yeah, what you're describing sounds uncomfortably familiar, if I'm honest with you...

[Fragglewump]

Have you shagged him. Some men cool considerably once they've won the chase. Men without seemingly any time at all can commit hours to texting/ringing when intoxicated by the 'thrill of the chase'. Then cool afterwards.

[Aliensloveunderpants00]

Yes we have Fraggle and that's when the contact started to decrease actually. I've given him a way out if he's not interested any longer but he's just as keen to see me as before we DTD, just the comms that have gone downhill...

[Aliensloveunderpants00]

Also, something else that bothers me although completely unrelated.... He's childless, never been married. After roughly a month and a half of contact (including messaging before first date) he still hasn't asked the names of my children, or anything about them. Doesn't seem to sit right for a potentially long term relationship does it?

[Fragglewump]

I think I would mysteriously become Unavailable. Men would can commit hours to pre sex wooing and then can't be arsed to send a daily 'hi' message should be dispatched back to the rosy ocean to find plenty more fish. I'm too old for men who play games like that I'm afraid. (I'm a grumpy old cow) I think by all accounts you have to be pretty resilient to withstand some of the pof men. Good luck op - hopefully you will find someone a but more communicative/reliable.

[FolkGirl]

Ok. He's just as keen to see you as before you DTD. He probably is. You might DTD with him again.

If he's not communicating with you, then how do you know he's as keen to see you again? It's easy to say the words, but he's not overcome with a burning need to make contact quite so much, is he?

Sorry, don't mean to be harsh, I'm saying this as much for my own benefit as yours!

[Aliensloveunderpants00]

Not harsh Folk at all, you're completely right. However, if someone is a naturally crap communicator with his friends, family etc, he's not going to suddenly change for me and become Mr Texter realistically, is he?

Fraggle Good idea. I think I'll see him this weekend and then get on with my life and see if he at least makes the effort to send that goodnight/good morning text (only mentioned about it this morning so will be interesting to see whether he makes more of an effort from now on)

[Cantbelievethisishappening]

Do you instigate text message conversations? I would now stop texting and see what happens.

[LatteLoverLovesLattes]

Love, it's far too early in a relationship for so much unhappiness. He's telling you who he is and you aren't listening or accepting that the type of person he is, isn't the type of person you should be in a relationship with. It is very telling that the communication changed when you slept with him. He enjoyed the chase, now he 'has you' he's reverting to the level of communication he can be arsed with. You can't have a 'distance' relationship with someone who doesn't communitcate in a way which makes you happy and you can't have a relationship with someone who basically tells you to 'rack off' when you tell them how you feel :(

Move on, he's not worth your energy
x

[Aliensloveunderpants00]

Cantbelieve we both instigate, me slightly more times but kind of balanced

Thank you latte, I know you're right, it's only going to end in tears unfortunately . We had such a special connection the first two dates and he's so great when we're actually together that it's hard to just give up on it.... thinking that if long term we moved in closer the issue with lousy comms would be eliminated but obviously unlikely we will last that long with such sporadic contact in between dates...

[Zucker]

He's sort of telling you how it's going to be though isn't he. Don't expect anything of me and don't make me feel bad for it either. Don't question me attitude it's edging towards.