It's like mental torture, he's driving me insane

[Panscrubby]

At the beginning of our relationship I was insecure and used to question whether he loved me or not. He once said to me "if ever I stopped loving you, you'd know. It would be obvious."

Well yes, I'm starting to see that.

4 weeks ago we went on holiday, just the two of us. It was a beautiful place full of beautiful people and scenery and we were having the most amazing time. We argued twice. First time because I was upset at the state of one of our hotels. It was a complete shit hole and I'm no diva. It was a concrete shanty shack with no working shower, no toilet, a padlock on a rotten wooden door for security and an old shitty mattress thrown on a concrete slab as a bed. Of course I was upset. But he went mental and said I was out of order for not being positive and he refused to talk to me for the rest of the day until I apologised (which I did, not sure why!) and begged for him to just drop it so we could get on with our holiday. This was the first time I looked at him and really thought "what a nasty piece of work you can be".

Second time we argued because he got drunk and decided to turn on me for something we'd both been laughing about 5 minutes previous.

So we got back from this holiday two weeks ago and he's been absolutely awful to me ever since. Keeps picking arguments with me, snapping at me, twisting everything I say into an argument - it's just driving me mad. I've done nothing to deserve all this, he just seems to have turned on me for no reason in the past month or so.

This past week has been torturous - so much so that I found myself opening a "post relationship savings account". I don't want us to break up but I can't understand why he's being so horrible to me.

On Tuesday we were on our way to shop and he said something about wanting to go on holiday to Canada. Normally he won't discuss future holidays until we've done our next planned one so, as we have Italy planned I became worried that he didn't want to go to Italy anymore (as he never shows any enthusiasm for it when I mention it yet all of a sudden was raving on about Canada) so I simply said "you do want to go to Italy still don't you?" This was said lightly, totally non-confrontational. He went mental and started really shouting at me, swearing, telling me to chill the fuck out and be fucking flexible and stop being so fucking self centered. Even if he was pissed off at me for saying the wrong thing (????) there was no need to shout and ball at me like this surely. I was upset but tried not to show it too much as that same day we had a 3 hour drive to a campsite for us and the kids and I didn't want the kids feeling an atmosphere.

When we got to the campsite all was going well - then he'd had a few drinks and started getting really arsey. His eldest son and I were laughing about the shape of a burger and we went mad at me, shouted me down in front of his kids, told me I was supposed to be sorting out the music (I had) and then made yawning gestures at his kids about me. His youngest scarpered and went to bed and his eldest just sat looking really uncomfortable (I was thankful they didn't join in actually! very mature of them I thought.)

After that he carried on making comments about me, ignoring me when I spoke, shaking his head at me, snapping at his eldest DS (who said to me "it's best not to react, it's safer" and then buggered off to bed!!!!!!) It was awful.

Next day, he was off with me all day until I made an effort to make the peace (just cos his kids are here all week and I feel awkward). Today he's just kicked off again. I realised we had saturday night to ourselves as my kids are at their dads and his kids will be going home, it's VERY rare that we have a saturday night to ourselves as his kids come EVERY weekend so I suggested we do something nice. Well he kicked off, said I'm trying to start an argument, said he'd rather I go to work and earn some money and basically said no and that I was ridiculous for even suggesting it. So here we are, not talking AGAIN because I dared to suggest we take the opportunity to do something nice Saturday night.

What the fuck is going on? it feels like mental torture. I feel like the kid that doesn't want to go to school because nobody likes her and she gets bullied for saying the wrong thing. All this started a month ago. I just don't understand it.

[CatKisser]

Basically he sounds an utter bullying cunt.
Please don't waste time trying to unpick his behaviour or wondering what you've done wrong (nothing)

Just leave this piece of shit to wallow in his own bad temper.

[Fudgeface123]

He's shagging someone else and is being vile to you in the hope that you dump him. Get rid first, don't put up with this, you (and the kids) deserve better

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

When someone's picking fights over nothing at all there are a few possible explanations. Could be straightforward bullying. Could be trying to engineer the end of the relationship. Lots of unpleasant things. Is this behaviour very out of character (his DS's response suggests not)? How long have you been together and how long has the behaviour been going on?

[Panscrubby]

I honestly feel like I'm falling out of love with him. I've just agreed to work from tomorrow through to Sunday night because I don't want to be around him. I'm just so confused because it seems like a sudden onslaught of mental abuse. I've seen snippets of this behaviour in the past but it always came on and then went away. Just a month ago it came on and never left. It's like something significant has happened that I'm not aware of. I've wondered whether he could be liking someone else but how would I ever know, the obvious signs are not happening (staying out late, phone glued to him etc). In all other ways, nothing has changed. Just his entire attitude towards me.

[Fudgeface123]

Don't try and figure him out, just make plans to leave. No-one deserves to be spoken to/treated like that.

[AlfAlf]

You are being bullied :(
You've done well to out up with it for a month, I'd be in ribbons after 1 day of this.
His poor lovely DS :( he obviously knows what his dad is like!

How long have you been together? I think it's good that you've opened a post relationship bank account.

[Panscrubby]

We've been together 3 years. This is the first time I've seen him start in front of his kids and they both made a quick exit which suggests that they've seen all this before with their mum. She divorced him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour - verbal, financial and emotional abuse. He told me she'd made it up to get an easy divorce and he'd agreed because he just wanted out of the marriage. (I know, I know).

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

His true nature is that of an abusive man.

It feels like mental torture because it actually is. How long have you been together; usually such abusive men are charm personified in the beginning but their act cannot be maintained indefinitely.

His eldest son's comments about his dad are very perceptive. He has already learnt to modify his own behaviour around his dad (as perhaps have you). You are now seeing his dad's true nature here and its not at all good.

You are being abused here by this man. I would also speak to Womens Aid about him and make plans to free yourself of him. He needs to be gone from your life as of now.

Its not going to get better and he is not going to change; this is the real him, the one he has managed to keep hidden from you (although there may well have been some very subtle indicators that were not picked up on) before now. This relationship has to end and asap; you may well need outside help because such men do not let go always of their victims so easily.

BTW what do family and friends think of him?.

[Olddear]

The most puzzling thing is why you don't want to break up with this man!! I'd be haring down the road faster than Usain Bolt!!!!

[Holdthepage]

I have never said this before but LTB. Why would you want to live like this, it sounds like an absolute nightmare. Don't let this selfish monster ruin your DC's lives, get out now before he does any more damage to your self esteem. You will be apologising for breathing soon.

[AlfAlf]

Olddear you don't know how you'd react in a situation unless you've been in it.

[Panscrubby]

But if he was just an outright bastard I could understand that but this literally feels like a month long period of sustained abuse from a man different to the one I knew just a few weeks back. People don't suddenly change overnight??

[Squidstirfry]

Why are you wasting your life with this bastard ????????????????

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

" I've seen snippets of this behaviour in the past but it always came on and then went away."

It's very common for bullies to be on best behaviour in the early stages of a relationship and then gradually ramp up the bad behaviour by degrees once they believe they are 'safe'. It's a conditioning process. I come back to his DS's reaction.... best not to react, it's safer..... because that sounds like someone who is used to the idea that Dad's bullying is a) normal and b) something to be managed and handled. Revealing.

[whatsagoodusername]

What his son said is really sad.

And you should pay attention what it means.

[Squidstirfry]

People don't change overnight, no. People do reveal more of their true selves over time though, which can happen overnight.

[Panscrubby]

I actually don't want to be with the bloke he's suddenly turned into.

I want the old him back or I at least want him to tell me what is going on and why he suddenly hates me.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"People don't suddenly change overnight??"

He hasn't. The 'snippets' you mentioned have been there. Your own behaviour will have been gently modified, even if you don't realise it. Do you think twice before saying something controversial? Have you avoided doing something because you know he wouldn't approve?

[Hissy]

How long have you been with this guy? 18months? 2 years?

Abusers don't start out being arseholes straight away, but the mask does slip here and there, which is what you have seen.

Now the mask has fallen completely.

You say you are not working, is that when the ramping up of him being a wanker started, or after that?

he has you where he wants you, dependant. Even his kids know he's abusive and are using coping tactics.

You owe it to yourself and your DC to get the hell out of there as soon as you possibly can.

You need to end this today. yesterday if poss.

[Panscrubby]

Jesus Cogito there are many, many things I do not say in fear of a backlash of abuse.

Infact yeah, I have been avoiding many subjects for some time now because he blows up and creates a huge argument if I say the wrong thing, I just didn't realise into now how many topics I do avoid and I KNOW deep down that in normal relationships, no topic is off the cards.

[Hissy]

The OLD him was the fake him he used to 'hook' you. Now he has you, he doesn't have to pretend.

there is no OLD him. that person never existed. You can spend the next 10 years chasing that 'old' person.... (been there done that)

it's pointless and only damages YOU (and your DC) more.

the sooner you write him off, the sooner you and your DC will heal.

[AlfAlf]

He probably doesn't hate you, I don't think his behaviour is about you so don't waste your energy trying to work out where you've gone wrong, it's just the way he is and always has been.

[Hissy]

He hates himself. He hates women.

Ergo, he hates Panscrubby

[Hissy]

He hates himself. He hates women.

Ergo, he hates Panscrubby

[Panscrubby]

I am working Hissy. He just wanted me to work weekend so that I earnt more money. Which I am doing, but the extra money will be going into my "new" account.

I'm going back to university next month, maybe that's why he's turned. He's let it slip a few times that he doesn't want me to qualify and it would be easier for me to stay doing what I'm doing (long hours, minimum wage). Perhaps he knows that come next August, I'll be earning £22k a year and will be able to support myself quite comfortably alone.